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Month: December 2017

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Living On Purpose – Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

2017 is almost done. For me, that means it’s time to begin plotting how to make 2018 a joyful success! But first, I like to take time to reflect on the year gone. Did I achieve my goals? What were the major themes? What did I learn? How have I grown? What do I need to improve? Who helped make my year memorable?

First, I looked back at my 2017 goals and celebrated the wins and noted where I fell short. Then I went through my journal and walked through some of the major themes of the year, reliving the ebb and flow of the thoughts in my head during 2017.

Then I began to look at my life in pictures over the last year. If you are a photos/visual person like me I highly recommend this as a great way to celebrate the end of another year. You hardly ever take photos of your depressed times or worst moments, so it really focuses you on the positive things in your life, what’s important and what you have to be thankful for and most importantly who you have to be thankful for. Undoubtedly, who you spent 2017 with matters more than what you did. I actually took the best 150 photos or so and made a slideshow video with Google Photos. I’ve been watching it over and over and getting the warm fuzzies inside every time.

All considered, I would have to say that I made significant progress in 2017. I achieved some of my major goals, like taking my mummy on a trip 😊. I fell short in others (I definitely did not get enough rest in 2017 ☹). And then there were the things I did not plan to achieve but did, like starting this blog! God certainly had some surprises up His sleeve this year and I loved it! 2017 was definitely a year of growth and key to that was the people I connected with in 2017 and the relationships I invested in.

But a good year doesn’t just happen. I had a plan not only for what I wanted to achieve but also who I wanted to become. Every year I set goals for the following year and revisit them regularly. I use a planner called Action Daily which has a goal setting exercise in the front and then arranged with weekly goals and tasks for each week of the year. I completed my 2018 goal plan yesterday.

I have it arranged in four categories:

  1. Spiritual
  2. Physical
  3. Relationships
  4. Vocational (which is everything else – work, business, education, church ministry)

If you want your life to be significant, you must be intentional. Otherwise, you will have a default life, adrift on the river of time. You have to be intentional about everything; how you will develop yourself, how you will work on that weak spot in your character, which relationships you will invest in, how you will achieve that big dream that you have.

A joyful life does not just happen, it is designed. You must have a strong, passionate WHY for each of your goals. Why is this important to you? Why do you want to achieve it? Motivation to achieve anything comes from passion. If your goals are not aligned with your deepest desires, you will not achieve it. If you do not make a plan to follow your passions, you also will not achieve it. You need passion AND planning. I have one why for all my goals – to fulfil my purpose on this earth and glorify Jesus Christ.

What’s your passion? What’s your plan? Write it down and begin designing the life of your dreams! May 2018 be a year of unprecedented progress in the making of your authentically joyful life!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Joy To The World

As a child, every year I would eagerly anticipate opening my presents and the euphoria I would feel as I came face to face with the objects of my desire. And every Christmas was the same; anticlimactic. It never lived up to my imagination. I was always left with a dogged emptiness. Every Christmas as night fell I would lie in my bed, half disappointed and half confused, thinking “I should be happier.”

Then one year, I discovered the joy of Christmas. That year I had taken extra care to get or make presents that my family and friends would appreciate. As I watched them open their presents and share Christmas hugs, I finally felt it… the Joy of Christmas. It truly is better, much better, to give than to receive.

I like to imagine what the first Christmas must have been like when the Father lovingly and joyfully gave His only begotten Son to mankind. How He must have been beaming in heaven when the shepherds and wise men first laid eyes on The Present. What a Gift! What a Giver!

Merry Christmas everyone and as you share treasured moments with friends and family may your joy be full!

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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True Strength

First of all, I just want to announce that I’ve moved the Authentic Joy blog to its own Facebook page. So for those of you that use Facebook to stay connected, please like the page and share and comment. I would love to hear from you! 🙂

Launching this blog in October and connecting with you all over these past months has been a blast. Thank you all for your support! Feedback that I have often received is that my willingness to be so open is appreciated, so I thought I would talk a little more about that this week.

Strength, especially masculine strength, too often has been portrayed as having a veneer of invincibility and success. To quote my cousin’s Facebook post: “Men are so obsessed with acting strong and not showing and weakness or emotion, the exact opposite happens. Everyone has feelings. It’s ok to acknowledge and deal with them.”

We are caught in the gravitational pull of the image of invulnerability as a laudable quality. But if we can break out of this futile orbit to nowhere, the stars await! Because invulnerability is not the truth; it’s not real. If we can let go of the image of strength, we can begin to actually develop true strength. Many leaders still feel that there are things they MUST NEVER show at all costs. Things like weakness, discouragement, failure, disappointment, fear and being wrong. I’ve seen this with businessmen and I’ve seen it with pastors.

This charade has two important ramifications:

  1. Leaders rarely get the help they need. Every church scandal can be traced back to a leader who was too ashamed of his struggles with sin to let people know. And how many business initiatives have failed because somebody could not admit that they were wrong or that they did not have the answer?
  2. Followers are not engaged with leaders in a growth process. To begin with, nobody is inspired by inauthentic leadership. We know when someone is selling us a load of crap disguised as sunshine. Secondly, nobody grows; not the leader and not the followers who typically mimic the leader to survive. You cannot develop courage in the face of fear or failure without acknowledging the fear or failure.

The great news is that the charade is being exposed! Brené Brown is at the forefront of a movement to recognize the power of vulnerability! It should not go unnoticed that this message comes from a woman and the lessons we can learn about the value of the female voice in leading much needed change at all levels in our fairly paternalistic society. She says, “I believe that vulnerability – the willingness to be “all in” even when you know it can mean failing and hurting – is brave. I do NOT believe that cussing and praying are mutually exclusive.” You can read more about her message here: https://brenebrown.com

The fact is that real strength, real courage, is showing your weakness; being vulnerable in the face of challenges.

This is, in effect the story of Christmas. The hero comes to save the world and enters in the most vulnerable of ways. Jesus doesn’t come as a towering angel or powerful warrior king. He comes as a helpless baby born in a stable to parents who haven’t yet consummated their marriage. Weak and poor at the bottom of society. He understood where real strength lies.

So essentially, what I have been trying to say through this blog is, “It’s ok to talk about mistakes and failure and hurts and fears. It’s ok to be vulnerable. We all face these demons but let’s not do it alone anymore. Let’s help each other and engage each other in a community of growth and support.” I know no better way to do that than by sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of my own story.

We are stronger together!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Success Is The Enemy Of Growth

I spent half of my life believing that one of the big objectives of life was to be successful and hence to avoid failure at all costs. ‘Getting it right’ and ‘living right’ were big themes particularly at the church I attended. Then I had my first big failure; leaving my first marriage. I am choosing my words very deliberately. I believe both people take responsibility for the success or failure of any relationship but in terms of responsibility for ending the relationship, I have to own the fact that I left my marriage and backed out of my vows.

That led to a period of intense recalibration. I had to face up to who I was and what I really believed. Not what the bible said. Not what my pastor taught. What did I believe and who did I want to be.

I did not know it at the time but that set a foundation for authentic growth. You cannot grow, if you do not recognize a lack, a deficiency. I explored the depths of my own passions and desires and over time the authentic me emerged. From that time in my life onwards, I began to grow at an accelerated pace.

From that nexus came forth so much fruit; humility, a desire to reconnect with my parents, empathy for the moral outcasts of life, an encounter with the boundless merciful love of Christ, understanding of the real gospel of Jesus, freedom from shame, understanding of true companionship, refreshed love for mankind, renewed delight in this physical creation God has blessed us to enjoy… I could go on and on but the point is that it started with failure. As Richard Rohr says, “The way down, is the way up.”

Day by day, it washes over me with renewed poignancy how blessed I am to have experienced failure. Failure opened the door for my inner work because success is the enemy of growth. By growth I don’t mean external accomplishments. I mean inner growth; character formation. Success tells us that who we are is working so we have no need to change. But it can be a deception. I see it all the time in very successful men with rotten characters. If you give them feedback, they immediately point to their track record of success as validation of who they are.

I am extremely thankful because I could have been just like that; a rotten success. Looking back now I know that there were many whispers of feedback that I must have missed until life had to shout to get my attention. Now I have the humility to hear the whispers of feedback in the counsel of my support group or in the reactions of people I interact with (even though I must admit I still sometimes don’t have the humility to act on it).

I can remember last year getting feedback from staff and how it shook me. Even though it was largely positive, the few areas for improvement were areas I was passionate about and that I thought I was outstanding in. Apparently, I was not. I was quite successful as a manager, but the echoes of past hubris reminded me not to be so cocky, so sure of my footing, so set in my beliefs that no other view can penetrate my world. I sat down with a friend and charted a course to work on becoming a better me.

The other beautiful thing about inner growth is that it affects everything else. My failure in marriage caused inner growth that redounded to my professional life and friendships. You bring you wherever you go. A failed business or a failed work project or a failed exam can catalyse inner work that affects your total life.

My dear companions, don’t be fooled by success and don’t be daunted by failure. Listen… listen to the lessons of your life and learn well.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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We Have The Power!

I had a very interesting chat with some co-workers yesterday about how people use their power. We concluded that people had different aspirations with regard to their use of power. Basically, some aspired to use their power for demonstrating their superiority, self-aggrandizement or getting ahead (in other words, to help themselves). While others aspired to use their power to help others.

I was grateful that in my little work group yesterday, having observed those that used their power to serve themselves, we determined never to be in that group. It was a ray of hope that warmed my heart.

We all have power. The only question is how will we use it….

The physically strong have power over the weak. Will we use our power to muscle advantage over the weaker ones? Will we parents dominate and bully our children? How will we care for the elderly? Do we still give up our seats in the waiting room or on the bus?

The rich have power over the poor. How will we use that power? Will we squeeze the most work for the least possible pay? Will we take the largest shareholder dividends possible and treat our employees like resources to be exploited? Will we kill the small businessman to get another 1% market share? Or will we use our money to help others up?

Then there are those of us with positional power. Those invested with power by our organizations, whether it be a business-place, school or church. How we use our position? Will we swoop down and attack our underlings in meetings to enforce who is the boss? Will we grab up all the perks for ourselves? Will we use the pulpit to judge, condemn and shame? Or will we seek to make everybody successful? Will we build people up who are failing?

What about societal power? The influence we are afforded because of our position in society. How do we treat the driver, the waiter, the KFC worker, the cleaner? This is often how I take the measure of a man. How does he treat the lowest rank person? Are we rude and entitled or courteous and kind? How do we treat women? How do we treat minority groups? How do we treat homosexuals? How do we treat that person who is not as well adjusted socially as we are? Are we enforcing our individual superiority or our common humanity?

We all have the power. Let’s use it for good! Let’s spread the joy!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Authentic You, Authentic Me, Beautiful Us

What first attracted me to coaching was the uncompromising commitment to honouring people’s uniqueness. We each have a unique identity and life experience.

Today I had an online coaching class on diversity and the focus was on how to effectively coach people different to us. We will have clients with different values, cultures and experiences and our job is NOT to use our values and experiences to help them but to trust that they have the best solutions for their own lives. Our job is to help them discover their own path and support them in achieving their goals.

To do that we have to remove all judgment from our minds. For example, if the client says they want to get married at age 20, I have to support that no matter what my experience has been. They are not me and their experience is not mine. This can be very difficult at times, but it is a way of helping people that I’m totally committed to, ironically, because of my experiences.

In Christian circles judgment is in no short supply. I’ve experienced it from within far less for those who do not share the faith. The ability to help people who do not share our personal values and beliefs (in other words people unlike us) is not just a challenge but not even something that is seen as desirable for many Christians. I believe this is something that we need to change. We need to stop trying to change people and start practicing truly unconditional love.

I have a dream. A dream of seeing the kaleidoscope love of God displayed in infinite variety as people are free to be their authentic selves. Authenticity is a big part of my value system, but it is always under attack and I believe that’s probably true for most of us. Even with these blogs I had to set my mind to be me. I knew that I could turn off some (less religious) people with my passion for Christ and I knew that I could turn off some of the more religious folks because my blogs aren’t preachy like a Christian’s blog ‘should be,’ plus I’m not hiding my massive moral flaws. I chose to be me regardless.

Like me, I want people to be fully themselves and I want to help them. I want to curb the inclination to make people more like me. As a friend recently reminded me, I can be judgmental. It’s a work in progress but I’m committed to the process.

So will you do me a favour? Please do you like only you can! Be joyfully, authentically you and light up your world!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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The Art Of Creating A Crisis

Last week I blogged about not stretching myself too thin for Christmas. Well guess what? I didn’t listen to my own advice. I got caught up in a million things from something as seemingly innocuous as setting up a new iPhone (amazing how much time that sucks up!) to trying to get in some more online classes. All this on the back of the pile of year end work deliverables and helping the little ones prepare for exams.I hit the wall hard.

One day I just realized that not only was my body tired from lack of sleep but also my mind and emotions were tired. So that day I decided to have a crisis. I put my foot down (on myself) and put the phone down and got into bed at 9:00pm that night.

The next morning, I took time to feast on the view right outside my bedroom window and instead of playing a podcast or audiobook in the truck I put on my gangster rap and crunked out on the way to work.

As I was reminded in a book on coaching that I’m reading; information is not what makes us act, it’s motivation. That’s often why, although we know what we should do, we only take action when we feel enough pain to motivate us to get off our butts.

But I don’t want to be in that reactive mode. I want to be proactive. I want to act before the pain. I want to take time to renew before I burn out. I want to do those sit-ups before I get the pot belly. So what do I do? I have to envision the consequences of inaction and create a crisis in my head.

That’s what I’m doing when I say, “Good grief, look at the size of my belly!”. To which some might say, “Please Matik!”. That’s what it takes to stay ahead of the curve sometimes. Especially, when the action needed is not something you looove to do.

So, let’s go create a crisis today in order to walk into the future that we want for ourselves tomorrow.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls