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Month: November 2017

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Look Bacchanal!

In Trinidad and Tobago, the word bacchanal means confusion, argument or scandal. I’ve seen more bacchanal in my lifetime than I care to admit, but on the plus side, it has afforded me a wealth of experience in dealing with conflict.

What I’ve observed is that how people deal with conflict can be described on a sliding scale with avoidance (passive) on one end and confrontation (aggressive) on the other. Most people have a natural tendency that falls somewhere on this scale. We foster healthy relationships neither by avoiding conflict nor by constant confrontation.

By constantly shying away from having difficult conversations about sensitive or emotive issues avoiders rarely experience deep meaningful relationships. Avoiders will not tell people their real feelings in order to keep the peace. They seem like they are the ‘good guys’ next to the more aggressive confronters but they are just as toxic to a relationship. Often, they resort to passive aggressive behaviours. Then the only clue that you may get from an avoider you have offended are some sarcastic remarks in passing conversation.

I remember in my first supervisory position I couldn’t look at people in the eye when giving them negative feedback. It took me some years of self-development before I could hold those types of difficult conversations but even now I don’t like doing it.

Some examples of avoidance behaviours at its worst:

  • Using public forums to address personal offenses covertly with general statements such as when making work presentations or delivering sermons from the pulpit or ranting on Facebook.
  • Creating organizational policies to address one person’s behaviour.

Not all avoiders are this externally toxic of course. Many will just harbour bitterness and resentment quietly for a lifetime. There is a famous article by Bronnie Ware that talks about the 5 Top Regrets of Dying People based on her experience giving palliative care to dying patients. Number 3 was; I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Living without saying how you really feel is a tragic existence.

Confronters do not suffer from any problems of pent up feelings. Confronters have no interest in maintaining harmony or not hurting the other person’s feelings. They often appear to be the ‘bad guys’ always causing bacchanal. Their need to get the issue off their chest or prove their point is the overriding motivation. The result is often that they come across as aggressive and the result is more destructive than constructive as far as building trusting healthy relationships is concerned.

Some examples of confrontation behaviour at its worst:

  • Cussing out people when they feel unfairly treated.
  • Personal attacks on Facebook.

I have highlighted the very extreme ends of the scale only to make the distinction very clear. Most people, thankfully, will reside closer to centre with a tendency in either direction and will display a mix of these behaviours. So, let me offer a more balanced way of handling conflict; open and honest dialogue.

Open and honest dialogue recognizes that issues need to be brought into the open in order to be resolved while simultaneously recognizing that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. This type of engagement focuses on the issues not the personalities and has relationship building as it’s goal. This subtle shift is very powerful. The goal is no longer to keep the peace nor is it to assign blame. The relationship is prioritized as the most important thing.

This mindset demands that avoiders share their true feelings directly with the person. It also demands that confronters consider how the message will be received and therefore strive not to communicate in a way that could be interpreted as a personal attack. The bible calls it speaking the truth in love. You have to do both.

To do this it is most useful to consider:

  1. Choosing a place and time which brings out the best attitudes in both parties.
  2. Leading with more questions than statements.
  3. Making as few inferences as possible, assuming pure motives on both sides.
  4. Talking about the issues or situations and how they made you feel rather than making judgemental statements.

Here’s an example: Don’t say, “Matik yuh selfish, greedy bastard! Yuh eat meh cake again!” Do say, “Matik I was looking forward to eating my slice of cake all day and when I came home and it was gone I was so disappointed and upset. Did you eat it? Why?”

Where there are human relations, there will be conflict. Living a joyful life necessitates a mindset of treating conflict not as an opposition to relationship but as an opportunity for deeper relationship.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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‘Tis The Season

‘Tis the season to lime (Trini-speak for hang-out or get together). I’m tired just looking at my calendar and it’s not even December yet. Liming is synonymous with Christmas in Trinidad.

There are work limes and church dinners and several get-togethers at friends’ houses and of course family luncheons. But that’s just the start because if you have kids then there are also school concerts and end-of-year award ceremonies and music/dance class recitals and so on and so forth.

It’s just too much…for me anyway. I am already struggling to get more than six hours sleep a night and keep my exercise regime going (not to mention the implications for my eating habits).

So, what’s the solution to this dilemma? Well…it’s the perfect opportunity to practice Stephen Covey’s 3rd habit; Putting First Things First. According to Dr. Covey, activities fall into four quadrants:

  1. Important but not urgent
  2. Urgent but not important
  3. Important and urgent
  4. Neither important nor urgent

So where do all of these social events fall? They certainly aren’t urgent. But how important are they and how important is what I would give up to attend them? There is always a trade off. Saying yes to one thing means saying no to another. What is important to me is based on my goals that I have set for myself and I find that at times like these it is good to remind myself of my goals for the year. What did I want to accomplish? Which relationships did I want to focus on?

There are some times, like this evening, when riding  bicycles around the block with my kids and tucking them into bed early is the most important thing. There will be other times when reconnecting with family and old friends can be prioritized. Whatever the case, saying no to something good will be an essential skill for this season. Because no to something good is really yes to something better.

Keep your head on this season. By all means enjoy the time of good cheer with family and friends. Just be wise and prioritize.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Fire Bun Retirement

The pervasive retirement paradigm in society today is the biggest con that has ever been pulled on the workforce! Okay maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but hear me out…

The concept of working and saving for roughly forty years of your life to then relax and enjoy your hobbies and travel the world is fundamentally flawed for two reasons:

Firstly, why wait?! Seriously, why should we sweat and stress in the forty prime years of our lives (in terms our physical health) to then pursue our dreams in our declining years? This makes no sense. I have many friends who are not waiting (according to their Facebook pics anyway) and they should be applauded. There is no reason to delay pursuing your passions. DO IT NOW!

Begin strategizing ways to configure your life to achieve YOUR GOALS not only your employer’s. There are lots of good rexcuses (excuses masquerading as reasons) why we cannot do what we are really passionate about of course. After all, you have children and a mortgage and who is going to pay you your current salary to be the next Anthony Bourdain? I can totally relate.

The problem is that we need to overhaul our thinking. You can have more of your time under your control than you think. Getting a hold of this book is a good start to re-wiring your brain: “The 4-Hour Work Week: Escape the 9-5, Live Anywhere and Join the New Rich” by Tim Ferriss.

Why not live your most passionate life now? Do you really want to start enjoying life at sixty? Will you even reach fifty? So go on…..get off your butt and make a plan. Book that trip to see the Northern Lights! Take that one-month spiritual retreat to Thailand! Plan a weekend dinner date in Paris or Trinidad Hyatt! Buy those expensive golf clubs and start going once a week! Buy the electric guitar and start taking lessons online! In 2016 I did a two-week surfing retreat in Costa Rica. One of the best two weeks of my life!

The second problem with retirement is the vast wealth of knowledge and experience that goes down the drain. Retirement age is the prime time for giving back. Years of hard knocks and application of knowledge and skill should have produced a person that is not only wise but also mature.

Now, I do not mean that people should continue working in the same mode as before, clinging to position and power. The current classic example of this is Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe. We have too many leaders that have stifled the growth of companies and countries and churches by making themselves indispensable. This tragedy is all around us in Trinidad and Tobago. Why do the same old names keep recycling in our political parties and high-profile energy committees until they literally cannot walk anymore? It seems politicians and religious leaders only change when the incumbent dies.

What I am proposing is a transition to a mentorship role. Behind the scenes, men and women with deep knowledge and insight; veterans who have been through the good, the bad and the ugly should be ensuring the next generation benefits from their knowledge. This passing of the baton is what builds a nation. We need young innovative people with fresh ideas and zeal and energy, unfettered by tradition and history, to be in the driver’s seat while the wise and mature elders guide and coach in the background.

In our families the same is needed. Granny and grandpa should not be off golfing and ballroom dancing 24/7 or worst yet in a home for the aged somewhere. Their guiding hands and support are needed today more than ever while at the same time the younger generation needs to chart a new course in this new world.

In summary, do not put off your most passionate life for after sixty. Instead, begin to strategize around how in your later years you will help the next generation to surpass your accomplishments!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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I Am A Number 7

The Enneagram is a model which consists of nine personality types. The model proposes that every person falls into one of the nine types. It is not a perfect system of course. It’s kind of like giving everyone a colour that matches their personality. There are as infinite a number of colours as there are personalities but we can form broad categories like reds and greens.

I recently did a questionnaire that revealed that I was a type seven; The Enthusiast. According to https://www.enneagraminstitute.com, sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness.

As I read more and reflected, I gained some valuable insights into myself and how I relate to others. There were some things that did not apply to me and others that ‘fell in my garden’ as we say. Now I know some people don’t place much stock in personality typing. Some take the ‘I can’t be placed in a box’ stance or the ‘only God defines me’ stance. To which I say:

  • Nothing about personality typing limits you or places you in a box. It does quite the opposite. It can give you greater insight into what drives you, what are your strengths and what are your weaknesses which frees you to choose a path of growth that’s best for you.
  • The types are not designed to define you but to describe you (generally). If God made you an introvert for example the test will just reflect your natural God-defined nature.

I have done numerous of these types of assessments. For example, I am an ENTJ (Extrovert-Intuition-Thinking-Judgement) under the Myers-Briggs model and an I (Influence) under the DISC profile. Each assessment has provided feedback that I have used to grow and develop as a person.

But for me the real bonus of understanding these models in some depth has been the appreciation for the different personalities of the people I live and work with. It has made me more understanding and compassionate.

When it comes to relationships, I wish I had understood more about this stuff earlier in life. For example, the five love languages (http://www.5lovelanguages.com) proposes that every person has their particular way in which they give and receive love. I have found this to be so true and so empowering. The five love languages are:

  1. Words of affirmation
  2. Acts of service
  3. Receiving gifts
  4. Quality time
  5. Physical touch

If you are married, in a relationship or thinking of being in a relationship (have I covered everyone) I highly recommend finding out your love language. Imagine if your highest scoring love language is physical touch and you marry someone for whom that is their lowest scoring love language?! The more you know, the better able you are to articulate your needs and show your partner love in their language. For example, gifts are dead last for me. You could buy me a new BMW and I would be like “Thanks.”

As Polonius said in Hamlet, “To thine own self be true.” Well, the more you know about yourself, the truer you can be. Greater self-awareness and greater ability to understand and celebrate the diversity of personalities in your world will undoubtedly lead to more joyful and fulfilling relationships. And you know what they say; the quality of your life is really the quality of your relationships.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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I’m Having A Bad Day

Yesterday was one of those days. I did not want to get out of bed. I was falling behind on initiatives towards personal goals I had set for myself. My boss was not too happy with me after I had shared some bad news on a project that he was not expecting. My youngest son was upset that I had taken away his phone and my daughter was crashing under a mountain of lessons and homework. And there were several other conflicts and dramas that is inherent with my complexed family situation. Waking up to face the day seemed daunting.

I finally dragged myself off the bed and pressed robotically into the routine. Iron. Wake up children. Bathe. Shave. Brush teeth. Dress. What does this have to do with authentic joy you may ask? Well it definitely has a lot to do with authenticity. This is the reality of some of my days. Sometimes it’s tough! Sometimes it seems like everybody and everything is pulling on me, depending on me, draining my energy. Have you ever felt like that?

As for joy, well I like to think of joy as something deeper than mere happiness. Happiness is a mood; an emotion. As a preacher once said, happiness is based on what’s happening. Sometimes we will be happy. Sometimes sad. Sometimes frustrated. Sometimes angry. But beneath all of that is our raison d’être; the most important reason for our existence. Joy is not in our moods and circumstances but in the fulfilment of a purposeful life.

Days like these when I can’t self-motivate is when my support systems kick in (hopefully). Yesterday my bff lovingly reminded me of my raison d’être. I reached out to another friend and he Whatsapped me some encouragement.  Even the Facebook newsfeeds and emails we receive on a daily basis can be sources of encouragement if we intentionally set it up that way. You can choose what messages pass through the filters to fill your soul. Sometimes we need a reminder of who we are and why we’re here. A reminder that this too shall pass. That something good is coming out of all of this. Something to talk us down from jumping off the bridge into the river of despair. Honestly there have been some days when even the support systems failed, and my children were probably the only thing that stopped me from quitting my job and disappearing into obscurity somewhere.

For some reason life does not give you a time out. I still had to go to work and muster up the strength to approach the boss constructively. I still had to deal with the children patiently and lovingly support them in their crises. I had to dig deep inside but when I did I found that there was strength there. Beyond the religious ‘too blessed to be stressed’ hype, deep inside my soul was a quiet resource. A calm assurance as old and resilient as the mountains.

I went there and I found joy.

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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I Love To Travel, I Hate To Travel

I was on my way to another work assignment. It was the third time I was travelling over the last five weeks. Fate had conspired to have two conferences fall close to a planned trip, creating the unavoidable situation. I did not want to go. I did not want to leave my children again. I was missing them even before I left. Thankfully though, they handle it much better now than when they were younger (Skype is a tremendous help as well), but still none of us were excited about it.

I looked out of the airplane as the sun rose over Trinidad, bathing everything in its warmth. The lilting voices of Gaelic Psalm singing coming through my headphones seemed perfectly matched with the fantasy cloud world on the other side of my window. I took a picture. I had scores of similar photos yet each photo was unique and each time the scene took my breath away.

I had begun the metamorphosis to travel-mode or Uncle Travelling Matt as some of my friends like to call me. I love to travel. I love the precious me-time that only seems possible whizzing through the air at 30,000 feet. No email, no Whatsapp, no phone calls, no children. Ahhhh. And then there’s something about the hum of that engine (as a co-worker recently quipped) that puts me right to sleep. I can fall asleep on the fifteen-minute flight from Trinidad to Tobago 😊.

I have seen a lot of the world while travelling on business and for that I am thankful. Experiencing different geographies and cultures I believe is one of the most mind-opening things you can do. I love connecting with people from all walks of life. The more I travel, the more I value the brotherhood of mankind. I see myself in every person and at the same time I see the diversity in every country and every culture. I realize that the struggles in my country are not unique to Trinidad and Tobago and at the same time I appreciate strengths of other societies that we can learn from and vice versa. I am such a believer in the positive benefits of travel that I think a trip outside of your country should be a compulsory part of secondary school education.

With all that being said, however, after one week I’m ready to go home. All my routines tend toward neglect when I travel. Prayer, exercise, diet…they are all assaulted by the unfamiliar surroundings and time zones. The forward trajectory of my life is built upon a stable routine of habits that keep me focused and healthy… But learning and growth necessitates injections of change, discomfort and the unfamiliar… It’s quite a balancing act.

A growing, thriving life is like a song. A steady rhythm holds it all together. Everything rides on the beat. Without the stable beat the whole song falls apart. But it is the crescendos and surprising melodic twists that makes the beauty of the music. It is this tension between predictability and spontaneity; between stability and drama; that makes music and life more art than science.

Fill the earth with the joyful sounds of the music of your life!

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Are You A Bad Guy?

“But daddy, this is my last chance to be a part of the team with all my friends!” She was crying now, and I was wavering on the inside, but I kept a straight face and said, “Honey, I know you want to be on the team with your friends but right now passing for your first choice is more important. You have to keep focused. Eye on the prize. Eye on the prize.” She was not the least bit consoled. “Honey, I love you and because I love you I make decisions that I think are in your best interest,” I said, giving her a kiss.

It was another ‘but daddy’ moment and like most of them I was not absolutely sure that I had made the right decision. My daughter wanted to be part of the Lego robotics team which required practice sessions twice a week right up to two months before SEA exams next year and she already has a packed schedule with extra-curricular activities and lessons. How she performs in SEA exams will determine which secondary school she will be placed in and that would determine the level of tuition and kind of environment that she would be exposed to for the next seven years of her life. The competition is fierce, and I had decided that there was too much at stake to risk it.

What made matters worse was that her mother didn’t agree with my decision so I was the bad guy… again. As her mother consoled her while scowling at me I knew I was outnumbered and outgunned. Lacking the emotional effusiveness to be able to stand up to the mother-daughter coalition I retreated to the next room.

Nobody likes to be the bad guy in the movie but if we are given the part we should play it without compunction. Everybody and especially every leader, be it a parent at home or a supervisor at work has to be prepared to be unpopular at some point in time. Any decision you make will be liked by some but unpopular with others. So, choose where you will take a stand and stand. Hold true to your inner compass at all costs.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reconsider if more information or another point of view comes into play but do not waver because of fear of falling out of favour with people. That is a fatal mistake.

The next day my little princess snuggled up next to me in bed, “I’m still mad with you eh! Now give me a hug daddy!”

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Wonder Quotient

On a scale of 1 to 10, what’s your WQ? How often do you experience awe? How often do you feel that indescribable feeling of being in the presence of something that transcends your understanding? I believe that people with a high WQ are more fulfilled than those with a low WQ.

What fills us with wonder can be unique to each of us. For my mom, observing her children brought wonder. I experience wonder during worship or communing with nature while sitting on my surfboard out in the ocean or sitting under a waterfall or simply watching the sun rise. Some days just thinking about who God has been to me swells my heart with awe. Whatever it is for you, nurture it.

Our soul longs to feel awed; to feel humbled by something bigger than ourselves. It could be the sheer grandeur of the universe or the unconditional love of a child. The thing is, every moment is a miracle if we open our eyes to see it. Some people only experience this awakening through a near death experience but it doesn’t have to be that way. You can right-size your life right now. Choose not to take your next breath for granted. Breathe deeply, laugh loudly, sing, skip, run, jump, smell, feel. Exult in the amazing life coursing through your body.

And guess what, according to research there is a surprising side-effect….. kindness. Strangely enough, there is something about viewing the Grand Canyon that brings out our inner altruist. Maybe it is the inkling that there is something bigger at play here that connects us all at a deeply fundamental level? Whatever it is, the positive effects are very real. You can read more about it here: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_do_we_feel_awe

So, I encourage you to see the amazing around you. The person that smiles with their eyes. The couple that are truly in love. The worshipper with eyes closed. The serene miracle of a sleeping child. The mountains full of Poui trees in bloom. The orange and yellow kaleidoscope of autumn. The vastness of the ocean. The sunset painted sky. Who invented such things? All we can do is open our hearts to wonder and celebrate and be grateful.

Open your eyes to the wonder. Make it a daily habit and let your heart fill with kindness and joy.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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No Regrets?

So, I’m trying my hand at writing a book. The story draws heavily from my life experiences, forcing me to think a lot about my past. This week my mind was on my separation from my first wife. Particularly, the day that I came to visit my son after having moved out a few days before. He was a year and a half old and it was the first time that I ever saw him looking sad.

His mom explained that he had gone from room to room repeating, “Where you daddy? Where you daddy?”. The image broke my heart in a million pieces. He is sixteen years old now and a lump still forms in my throat every time I think about it. How could I have done that to that little boy? In those dark days, my only tearful prayers were, “Lord, pleeeaase let him know how much I love him.”

I have often heard people say that they have no regrets. I’ve always wondered what they mean because I definitely have regrets. I regret what my son had to go through. If I had a do-over I probably would have made the same decision from that point but there are many earlier things that I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now (getting married at twenty-three for starters). But the thing is, I can’t change the past so what can I do?

I don’t know where I heard it, but someone once said that your approach to the past should be like driving a car. You need to look in your rear-view mirror (the past) regularly. It helps you to learn from mistakes, to get perspective, to notice trends in your behaviour but you can’t drive with your eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. The much bigger focus is the view of the present and the future through the windscreen in front of you.

If I had let my mistakes dominate my thoughts (kept my eyes glued to the rear-view mirror) I would certainly have sunk into depression (crashed). But the thing is, had I done that, I would have missed the thousands of happy memories I created with my son since then. Moments like this one:

The car of life doesn’t stop moving, and if you are not looking at where you are going then you will crash. If I kept my eyes on the past, I would have lost every opportunity to create a successful future.

To successfully navigate life, you have to respond to things as they come at you; change direction, change gears, mash brakes, accelerate. The past quickly becomes irrelevant except as a learning opportunity. The same is true of past successes by the way. Many times, we can be crashing even as our eyes are glued to the glory days that once were.

For me that image of my son searching for his daddy still weighs heavy but when self-condemnation tries to take root I wrest my eyes off the past and look up. I remind myself that where there is Life, there is hope and that while I’m looking back, opportunities to create a different past are slipping by every second.

I don’t know if there is anybody else with regrets like me but if there are people out there who have made mistakes I want to encourage you not to focus on that rear-view mirror too much. Look up, there just might be joy up ahead.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls