Discipleship Devotional #8: Intimacy with God: Family of Origin Relational Dynamics

The Attachment Theory was proposed by the psychologist John Bowlby in 1951. His work was a powerful insight into human relational and emotional development. Bowlby observed that the care provided by children’s primary caregivers had a great impact on how they functioned later on in life as adults. Based on how caregivers treated their children and the traits they exhibited later in life; four attachment styles were identified:

Attachment StyleParenting StyleAdult Characteristics of The Child
SecureAvailable, sensitive & loving.Able to create meaningful relationships; empathetic; able to set appropriate boundaries.
AvoidantUnavailable or rejecting.Avoids closeness or emotional connection; distant; critical; rigid; intolerant.
AnxiousInconsistent.Anxious and insecure; controlling; blaming; erratic; unpredictable; sometimes charming.
DisorganizedTraumatic.Chaotic; insensitive; explosive; abusive; untrusting even while craving security.

This has several implications for our relationship with our heavenly Father. First of all, Attachment Theory gives us insight into how we learn about relationships and about the nature of love. We were designed by God, to learn about love and relationships from our parents. Hearken back to one of the foundational principles that I outlined earlier – human beings learn through imitation. Every infant learns about the reality of life through interaction with her parents. The truth is that many of us did not have the best earthly parents. They may have tried their best, but they were imperfect humans. So, when God uses the image of the family (in particular the father) to describe the kind of relationship that He wants to have with us, we automatically assign to that relationship, the characteristics of the relationship (or lack thereof) that we had with our earthly caregivers.

It does not matter what we read about or are told about the nature of our heavenly Father, unless we experience something different, our childhood experience trumps our head knowledge. If you have ever struggled with trusting God or believing that He really loves you or wants you or cares for you (even though you know what the Bible says) this is why. Many of us may be absolutely convinced that we wholeheartedly believe that God loves us (I know I was), but our actions betray what we really believe subconsciously.

Based on how we experienced our earthly parents, we may believe (subconsciously):

  • God is FAR
  • God is INACCESSIBLE
  • God is INATTENTIVE
  • God is STERN
  • God will PUNISH me
  • I am BAD
  • I am UNWANTED
  • I am UNWORTHY

These are just some examples, but you get the idea. The deceptive thing about this is that we may not be aware that this is what is driving our behavior. In fact, we may be so convinced that our interpretation of God is correct that we are on a mission to impose our idea of God on other people by any means necessary. We will even have Scriptures to back up our view.

These inaccurate beliefs about God that persist in much of humanity can be called the orphan spirit. It is the plan of the evil one to deceive us into living as though we are orphans (even in the church) when in fact we have a Father who loves us unconditionally.

The only way out of this deception is to experience a new kind of parenting. Now, I want to re-introduce to you the idea of being born again not just as the new birth but as re-attachment or re-parenting or as the Bible calls it, adoption. God wants to adopt us and attach us to Himself as a perfectly available, loving and sensitive parent. He wants to become the most significant and influential relationship in our lives. Consider the following verses through this lens:

Ephesians 1:5 (NLT)

God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.

2 Corinthians 6:18 (NLT)

And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.

Galatians 3:26 (NLT)

For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus.

Romans 9:25-26 (ESV)

25As indeed he says in Hosea, “Those who were not my people I will call ‘my people, ‘and her who was not beloved I will call ‘beloved.’” 26 “And in the very place where it was said to them, ‘You are not my people, ‘there they will be called ‘sons of the living God.’”

God wants us to form a secure attachment to Him.

However, first we need to understand how our family of origin relational dynamics are affecting our current relationship with God and others.

To that end, please complete the attachment style assessment below:

QuestionScore 1 = Strongly Disagree 2 = Disagree 3 = Neutral/Unsure 4 = Agree 5 = Strongly Agree
1. I often worry my close others will not be there for me when I need them. 
2. I fear being abandoned or rejected by people I care about. 
3. I need frequent reassurance that I am loved and valued. 
4. If a message goes unanswered, I quickly assume the worst. 
5. Conflict with loved ones preoccupies me for hours or days. 
6. I sometimes feel I care more about the relationship than the other person does. 
Anxious Total 
7. I am uncomfortable depending on others, even when it would help. 
8. When relationships get emotionally intense, I create distance. 
9. I prefer handling problems alone rather than asking for support. 
10. It is hard for me to trust people with my vulnerable feelings. 
11. I feel safer when I keep my needs and emotions to myself. 
12. Too much closeness makes me feel trapped or smothered. 
Avoidant Total 
13. I can rely on others and be relied upon without feeling anxious. 
14. When problems arise, I communicate openly and seek solutions. 
15. I am comfortable with both closeness and independence in relationships. 
16. I trust that loved ones care about me even during conflict. 
17. I repair misunderstandings and move forward constructively. 
18. I balance my needs with the needs of others. 
Secure Total 

Sum your scores for questions 1-6, 7-12, and 13-18, which represent Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure Attachment Styles, respectively. Here is how to interpret your results:

Your Attachment StyleAnxious Total ScoreAvoidant Total ScoreSecure Total Score
Secure6-226-2223-30
Anxious23-306-226-22
Avoidant6-2223-306-22
Disorganized23-3023-306-22

REFLECTION

  • As you answered the questions and interpreted your scores, what feelings came up for you?
  • Have you received any insights about how your family relational dynamics (or other significant relationships) have affected or are still affecting how you relate to God and others?

The Rebel-Lover Enigma of Jesus

Jesus does not fit easily into any one box. When He physically walked the earth, some people loved Him (and some still do), and some people hated Him (and some still do). The gospels record that He was filled with compassion for so many who sought healing and deliverance. He even forgave those who crucified Him in the midst of His agony on the cross. But He also called some people hypocrites and vipers and chased others out of the Temple with a whip on one occasion.

I have a rebellious tendency. A rebel is a person who opposes, resists, or fights against authority, control, or an established system. I dislike people who abuse their authority, I resist people who want to control others, and I am always looking for ways to improve the established way of doing things. My rebel-liousness gets particularly activated in three situations:

  1. When I feel that someone or some group is being taken advantage of
  2. When I feel that my agency is being taken away in service of some arbitrary rule or the preference of a select few
  3. When I feel that one person or a select few are acting like they know what is best for everyone else

However, there is a tension here that is not easy to navigate. It is Jesus’ command to love our enemies. How do I love people who are taking advantage of others, or good people in authority who are just trying to fulfill their duty in a way that I find limiting or even oppressive?

Walking this road in the character of Christ is hard for me. It is hard to stand up for justice and mercy with love in my heart for the agents of injustice and personal agendas. It is hard to fit into a church culture that glorifies subservience to those in authority when I have a core value system that believes in the equality of all men under God.

A side note here on church culture: I want to acknowledge that excessive deference to those in authority may not be a 1st-world cultural issue. I get the emphasis in 1st-world churches on honour for leaders because the culture is far more individualistic and irreverent toward those in authority. However, in most 3rd-world countries, definitely in the Caribbean, the opposite is true. Unquestioning obedience to religious leaders is more of our default. ‘Submission to authority’ and being ‘teachable’ are weapons used to keep congregants docile and to quash any diversity of thought. The voice of the leader/s is the voice of God.

So back to my dilemma… To untangle this conundrum, I decided to study Jesus. Jesus was a rebel and a lover of all men. At all times He acted in love, but He also had no problem opposing the religious leaders of His day. I found a few principles:

Jesus had no problem flaunting authority to help others

There are many accounts of Jesus disobeying the rules, instructions, and preferences of the religious leaders to help people. Let’s look at one example:

Mark 3:1-6 (NLT)

1 Jesus went into the synagogue again and noticed a man with a deformed hand. 2 Since it was the Sabbath, Jesus’ enemies watched him closely. If he healed the man’s hand, they planned to accuse him of working on the Sabbath.

3 Jesus said to the man with the deformed hand, “Come and stand in front of everyone.” 4 Then he turned to his critics and asked, “Does the law permit good deeds on the Sabbath, or is it a day for doing evil? Is this a day to save life or to destroy it?” But they wouldn’t answer him.

5 He looked around at them angrily and was deeply saddened by their hard hearts. Then he said to the man, “Hold out your hand.” So the man held out his hand, and it was restored! 6 At once the Pharisees went away and met with the supporters of Herod to plot how to kill Jesus.

There are three notable things here:

  1. Jesus was angry, but He was also deeply saddened about the hearts of His enemies. That is an important heart posture.
  2. Jesus’ rebellion was that He did good for someone in a way that the leaders opposed.
  3. Jesus knew that His actions would lead to ostracism and victimization, but He did it anyway.

From this, I take away my first principle for being a lover-rebel like Jesus:

Principle #1: A Jesus lover-rebel will disobey those in authority if necessary to help someone and be willing to pay the price for his/her actions, but he/she will also grieve for the hard hearts of the leaders.

Jesus did not play small to avoid offending people

Again, there are many times when Jesus offended people by claiming to be equal with God. We will examine one such occasion.

John 5:16-20 (NLT)

16 So the Jewish leaders began harassing Jesus for breaking the Sabbath rules. 17 But Jesus replied, “My Father is always working, and so am I.” 18 So the Jewish leaders tried all the harder to find a way to kill him. For he not only broke the Sabbath, he called God his Father, thereby making himself equal with God.

19 So Jesus explained, “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself. He does only what he sees the Father doing. Whatever the Father does, the Son also does. 20 For the Father loves the Son and shows him everything he is doing. In fact, the Father will show him how to do even greater works than healing this man. Then you will truly be astonished.

We see from this passage:

  1. Jesus was unwilling to downplay His relationship with God and His mission on earth
  2. Again, Jesus was willing to suffer the consequences for standing boldly in His identity and values

I have repeatedly found leaders who think they alone know God. Leaders who will tear you down rather than build you up if your understanding of God and yourself does not fit theirs. I am not throwing out loving, Spirit-led spiritual direction here. But sometimes it is more insecurity, arrogance, or ignorance speaking than the Holy Spirit.

Principle #2: A Jesus lover-rebel will not downplay her/his identity in God or knowledge of God, traverse her/his values, or abandon her/his God-given mission on earth to avoid offending people.

Jesus frontally opposed those who used their religious authority to profit themselves instead of leading others to God

Jesus spared no rebuke for those who appeared religious but whose hearts were far from God. These were the Scribes and Pharisees of his day. They were supposed to be leading people to God, but instead they were using religion to lift themselves up and perpetuate their status in society. However, I want to focus on the infamous scene with Jesus and a whip in the temple court.

John 2:13-16 (NLT)

13 It was nearly time for the Jewish Passover celebration, so Jesus went to Jerusalem. 14 In the Temple area he saw merchants selling cattle, sheep, and doves for sacrifices; he also saw dealers at tables exchanging foreign money. 15 Jesus made a whip from some ropes and chased them all out of the Temple. He drove out the sheep and cattle, scattered the money changers’ coins over the floor, and turned over their tables. 16 Then, going over to the people who sold doves, he told them, “Get these things out of here. Stop turning my Father’s house into a marketplace!”

I want to be clear here that Jesus was not concerned about those in the world who used their authority to profit themselves. That is what the world is expected to do. He was incensed by those in the church who used their authority to take advantage of believers instead of serving them.

Principle #3: A Jesus lover-rebel will actively oppose and confront those in the church who use their authority to profit themselves.

These are the only people and circumstances where I have found that Jesus takes a very proactive approach. In our 1st two examples, He is not so much going after the religious leaders as defying them. But here He is on the attack.

These 3 principles are the ground that I stand on to check myself and my heart motives. I hope it helps you as well.

How do you navigate this space of honouring and leaders obeying those in authority while reaching out to people, staying true to your identity, values, and calling, and confronting abuse of power?

Copyright 2026, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.