The Attachment Theory was proposed by the psychologist John Bowlby in 1951. His work was a powerful insight into human relational and emotional development. Bowlby observed that the care provided by children’s primary caregivers had a great impact on how they functioned later on in life as adults. Based on how caregivers treated their children and the traits they exhibited later in life; four attachment styles were identified:
| Attachment Style | Parenting Style | Adult Characteristics of The Child |
| Secure | Available, sensitive & loving. | Able to create meaningful relationships; empathetic; able to set appropriate boundaries. |
| Avoidant | Unavailable or rejecting. | Avoids closeness or emotional connection; distant; critical; rigid; intolerant. |
| Anxious | Inconsistent. | Anxious and insecure; controlling; blaming; erratic; unpredictable; sometimes charming. |
| Disorganized | Traumatic. | Chaotic; insensitive; explosive; abusive; untrusting even while craving security. |
This has several implications for our relationship with our heavenly Father. First of all, Attachment Theory gives us insight into how we learn about relationships and about the nature of love. We were designed by God, to learn about love and relationships from our parents. Hearken back to one of the foundational principles that I outlined earlier – human beings learn through imitation. Every infant learns about the reality of life through interaction with her parents. The truth is that many of us did not have the best earthly parents. They may have tried their best, but they were imperfect humans. So, when God uses the image of the family (in particular the father) to describe the kind of relationship that He wants to have with us, we automatically assign to that relationship, the characteristics of the relationship (or lack thereof) that we had with our earthly caregivers.
It does not matter what we read about or are told about the nature of our heavenly Father, unless we experience something different, our childhood experience trumps our head knowledge. If you have ever struggled with trusting God or believing that He really loves you or wants you or cares for you (even though you know what the Bible says) this is why. Many of us may be absolutely convinced that we wholeheartedly believe that God loves us (I know I was), but our actions betray what we really believe subconsciously.
Based on how we experienced our earthly parents, we may believe (subconsciously):
- God is FAR
- God is INACCESSIBLE
- God is INATTENTIVE
- God is STERN
- God will PUNISH me
- I am BAD
- I am UNWANTED
- I am UNWORTHY
These are just some examples, but you get the idea. The deceptive thing about this is that we may not be aware that this is what is driving our behavior. In fact, we may be so convinced that our interpretation of God is correct that we are on a mission to impose our idea of God on other people by any means necessary. We will even have Scriptures to back up our view.
These inaccurate beliefs about God that persist in much of humanity can be called the orphan spirit. It is the plan of the evil one to deceive us into living as though we are orphans (even in the church) when in fact we have a Father who loves us unconditionally.
The only way out of this deception is to experience a new kind of parenting. Now, I want to re-introduce to you the idea of being born again not just as the new birth but as re-attachment or re-parenting or as the Bible calls it, adoption. God wants to adopt us and attach us to Himself as a perfectly available, loving and sensitive parent. He wants to become the most significant and influential relationship in our lives. Consider the following verses through this lens:
Ephesians 1:5 (NLT)
God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.
2 Corinthians 6:18 (NLT)
And I will be your Father, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.
Galatians 3:26 (NLT)
For you are all children of God through faith in Christ Jesus.
Romans 9:25-26 (ESV)
25As indeed he says in Hosea, “Those who were not my people I will call ‘my people, ‘and her who was not beloved I will call ‘beloved.’” 26 “And in the very place where it was said to them, ‘You are not my people, ‘there they will be called ‘sons of the living God.’”
God wants us to form a secure attachment to Him.
However, first we need to understand how our family of origin relational dynamics are affecting our current relationship with God and others.
To that end, please complete the attachment style assessment below:
| Question | Score 1 = Strongly Disagree 2 = Disagree 3 = Neutral/Unsure 4 = Agree 5 = Strongly Agree |
| 1. I often worry my close others will not be there for me when I need them. | |
| 2. I fear being abandoned or rejected by people I care about. | |
| 3. I need frequent reassurance that I am loved and valued. | |
| 4. If a message goes unanswered, I quickly assume the worst. | |
| 5. Conflict with loved ones preoccupies me for hours or days. | |
| 6. I sometimes feel I care more about the relationship than the other person does. | |
| Anxious Total | |
| 7. I am uncomfortable depending on others, even when it would help. | |
| 8. When relationships get emotionally intense, I create distance. | |
| 9. I prefer handling problems alone rather than asking for support. | |
| 10. It is hard for me to trust people with my vulnerable feelings. | |
| 11. I feel safer when I keep my needs and emotions to myself. | |
| 12. Too much closeness makes me feel trapped or smothered. | |
| Avoidant Total | |
| 13. I can rely on others and be relied upon without feeling anxious. | |
| 14. When problems arise, I communicate openly and seek solutions. | |
| 15. I am comfortable with both closeness and independence in relationships. | |
| 16. I trust that loved ones care about me even during conflict. | |
| 17. I repair misunderstandings and move forward constructively. | |
| 18. I balance my needs with the needs of others. | |
| Secure Total |
Sum your scores for questions 1-6, 7-12, and 13-18, which represent Anxious, Avoidant, and Secure Attachment Styles, respectively. Here is how to interpret your results:
| Your Attachment Style | Anxious Total Score | Avoidant Total Score | Secure Total Score |
| Secure | 6-22 | 6-22 | 23-30 |
| Anxious | 23-30 | 6-22 | 6-22 |
| Avoidant | 6-22 | 23-30 | 6-22 |
| Disorganized | 23-30 | 23-30 | 6-22 |
REFLECTION
- As you answered the questions and interpreted your scores, what feelings came up for you?
- Have you received any insights about how your family relational dynamics (or other significant relationships) have affected or are still affecting how you relate to God and others?