Pure Bliss
I have often associated the state of bliss with a feeling of euphoria or deep contentment. A blissful moment is one where I would think, “I could just stay in this moment forever.”
Over the years, different things have triggered this feeling for me. It’s currently carnival time in my country and I can’t help but remember one such moment early in the morning chipping to an infectious rhythm behind a music truck for J’ouvert. The first orange streaks of sunrise washed over faces full of joy and bodies covered in paint moving in unison to the music. Time slowed. The celebrations in the street seemed a fitting compliment to the sunrise. Both seemed to overflow with a joy of just being alive. Pure energy. Pure vibes.
Another time I remember was at the beach with my three kids. We were just frolicking in the waves. We were all children and the ocean was our playground. We ducked waves and dived into the surf. We splashed each other and pinched each other’s toes pretending to be a crab or a fish. When a particularly big wave came we all screamed in mock fear or pretended to be Hulk and smash the wave. We were jubilant. We were alive.
For me, moments like these make life worth living. They somehow remind me that I don’t just exist, I live. I have always been in pursuit of a blissful life.
One online dictionary defines bliss like this: Bliss is a state of complete happiness or joy. Marriage is often associated with this joyous feeling: people who are married and still in love are described as living in wedded bliss. Another common association is heaven or paradise, as in eternal bliss.
Bliss is a state of complete joy… That is exactly what I’m after; complete joy! Yes, I have had and continue to have the blissful moments described above but I’m not satisfied with moments of bliss. I want a state of bliss; perpetual bliss if you will.
It is this quest that has led me inexorably to Christ. In the presence of God I find pure bliss. Sometimes people ask me incredulously why I’m not going to any parties or not having sex. I’m guessing that they don’t understand what could be worth giving up those blissful moments. And I totally know where they are coming from because I’ve been there, and had I not experienced what I’ve experienced, I would still be there. But having tasted the goodness of God… Oh my! I can’t get enough!
That’s why I have no interest in religion. It’s just not attractive to me. It has nothing to offer me. I’m not interested in looking righteous or avoiding some future hell. Religion is dead. But Jesus Christ offers life and life more abundantly than we’ve ever known. It’s like when He rose from the dead, the life force that rushed into His body exploded in the earth, overflowing to every heart that would receive it.
Every time I think of Jesus and reach out my heart to His, He floods my soul with peace and love and joy. He makes even the bad days better and the times playing with my kids or dancing and singing in worship to Him are ten times sweeter. I have found that bliss comes with doing what you were born to do. I was born to dance, born to play, born to love and be loved but most of all I was born to worship God. I’m a Christian hedonist pursuing eternal heavenly bliss.
Join me,
Best Laid Plans
The sun had just risen over the trees, bathing the dewy grass with its warmth as we disembarked the vehicle. My bff/coach began to outline the route for me. We had been progressing well towards our fitness goals and today she had set us an ambitious target. Over an hour later we had completed our best run in a while and we were pumped!
The problem is, this was also us same time last year January. But somehow it didn’t last. By the time December rolled around we were both feeling like BFDBs (Big Fat Dirty Bastards). It wasn’t for lack of planning or commitment. Because I must confess, my name is Matik and I’m a goal setting junkie. Every year I go through an intense goal setting process and it fuels my focus for the rest of the year. Still, my fitness was my biggest loss in 2018. And it sucks! So what happened? My Google Maps 2018 timeline says it all. I was hit by a crazy work travel schedule and I was hit hard! I’m a creature of habit and the constant disruption in my routine and eating habits completely threw me off.
So, it’s January again…. Time to make resolutions or if you are like me,set goals, and I’m thinking, “How can I avoid a repeat of 2018?”
So, I did a root cause analysis and I figured out what the problem was…When I was setting my goal, I did not take into account that I would have totravel so often. This phenomenon is the ultimate derailer of plans! We set goals assuming certain conditionsbut as the year progresses those conditions often change; conditions which wedid not plan for!
There are two things we can do to combat this (none of which I did in2018, which my scale can attest to):
- Brainstormpossible barriers for every goal we set and what we could do to surmount them.
- Even so, wewon’t think of everything, so we need to be able to re-assess and adjust ourgoals and plans when circumstances change. Stop and recalibrate.
Sometimes what we learn from our failures is more valuable than our victories. I hope this short lesson in goal-setting taken from my 2018 failure will help you to achieve all your wildest dreams in 2019 and beyond!
Joyfully,
Copyright 2019, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
Is Your Image Important?
Ever so often in my life, the question of my image rises to the surface. Typically, I could care less about my image… or put another way; I could care less about the opinions of people who do not know me. But every so often, those ‘people who don’t know me’ are also people who can influence the course of my life. Thus, it is in my interest to care about the opinions of such people.
On one such occasion, I had just started a new management position and my boss suggested that we meet weekly to check up on projects that I would be working on. I thought that that was a bit excessive, so I suggested less frequent meetings. She didn’t go for it. A few months later she gave me my first performance feedback and admitted that there was more to me than first met the eye. She had not expected the level of competence that I exhibited. On another occasion, a senior manager was kind enough to let me know that my happy-go-lucky surfer dude persona was negatively impacting my management aspirations. He admitted that I had the intelligence and competence for the position, but some who worked less closely with me were concerned about my image.
To be blunt, this type of thing pisses me off. I have no problem when people have an initial opinion but then take the time to get to know me before passing judgment (like the first boss I mentioned above). But I have a serious issue with people passing judgement from afar, not based on my performance, but based on who they think I am as a person. However, this is the reality of the world. People make decisions about you based on their opinion of you whether they actually know you or not.
The question is; should we be concerned about our image? Should I be concerned about my carefree image? Should I try to change it? Such questions can be unsettling, at least for me.
As I discussed these thoughts with my bff, she shared an interesting perspective. She has an image of always having her hair and nails on point and lately she was becoming concerned about the signal that she might be sending to the young women in her sphere of influence. She wondered if she was contributing to the current ethos of superficiality. Are nails and hair the most important things about a person? In the world of fake eyelashes, fake nails and weave have we become a society that is more about image than substance?
She gave me food for thought and solidified my commitment to authenticity. There is a beauty and peace that comes with being yourself that for me is not worth any job promotion. I laugh loudly in the office and dance down the place at Christmas functions. That is not some people’s opinion of management behaviour. And I’m OK with that. You do you and I’ll do me. At the end of the day it would be nice to be judged only on your contribution to achievement of the company objectives but the world is not fair like that and I’m OK with that too. I am willing to pay the price for an authentic life. I believe in a higher justice. And I hope that my sacrifice will redound to upcoming leaders; that they will be able to shake the shackles of other people’s expectations and actualize their own authentic life.
Joyfully,
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
The Power Of A Story – How Authentic Joy Was Made
First of all, more good news! The kindle version of my new book – Authentic Joy – is now available on Amazon in addition to the paperback version! Click here to find out more about the book and to get yourself a copy!
I love a good story. When I first started toying with the idea of writing a book I immediately knew that I wanted to tell a story. I wanted to take my readers along on a journey that made them laugh and cry and sit at the edge of their seats; the kind of story where you can’t put the book down. Because these were the kind of books that deeply impacted me, especially in my younger years. My favourite genre of book is fantasy. Books like The Lord of The Rings trilogy were my standard fare. I would be consumed in the unfolding plot for hours. The characters came alive and I saw myself in the midst of the pages. I will never forget those books.
These days my reading is much less exciting. Seems with adulthood comes the age of ‘self-help’. (Insert boring sigh here). The books that seem to be popular in the inspirational/religious category are mostly designed to overtly teach you something. There is nothing wrong with that of course but it just wasn’t what I wanted to do. It was not authentic to my heart. I wanted to share my knowledge in allegory.
Allegory: a story, poem, or picture that can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, typically a moral or political one. Jesus taught in allegory or in parables. He would tell a story about a man who found a treasure or a farmer who sowed seeds but that was not the point of the story. The meaning had to be discovered or inferred. Often the listener was left to draw their own conclusions.
Much of my book, Authentic Joy, leaves the reader to draw his/her own conclusions. I could have written a book about Effective Church Leadership or 10 Sure Ways To Fail In Marriage or Where You Won’t Find God or…. but instead you will find that all of these themes are wrapped inside the story of an ordinary guy called Govinda.
What I believe makes this kind of book powerful is the story. I’m not telling you what to do or how to think, I’m simply sharing as I would with a close friend. The lessons have not been sterilised by stripping them of the context of the technicolour emotions or convoluted scenarios or imperfect relationships; the humanity and unpredictability of real life.
As the back cover of my book says… In my deepest destitution and despair, I found the joy that I was looking for in the presence of God Himself, or I should say, He brought me to the end of myself so that I could experience Him as He really is; my greatest treasure and highest joy! I wrote this novel simply to share with you the obstacles that kept me from this deeply satisfying intimacy with Christ and the nature of the Life that I found on the other side of those obstacles. My hope is that you too will see Him more clearly, treasure Him more deeply and experience authentic joy in Christ more fully than ever before!
So, I invite you to immerse yourself in the epic saga that is Authentic Joy!
Joyfully,
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
Book Launch!
My new book is out!
This novel sprung forth from the dark earth of my failure and despair. I gave my life to Christ at age twenty but only found a truly joy-filled life in Christ twenty years later. The difficulties that I faced in those two decades in between – the tireless grappling with my hedonistic tendencies, the vanity of religion, my failures in one marriage after another, the sin that beset me, the deep desire for fulfilment that remained unmet, the people that God used to shape my character and reveal my mission – all provided the resource material that inspired Authentic Joy.
However, that is not the subject of this book. The subject is God. It is a fictional tale that reveals the non-fictional character of an incomprehensibly wise, astoundingly merciful and absolutely sovereign God who transforms darkness and rancour into light and joy!
In my deepest destitution and despair, I found the joy that I was looking for in the presence of God Himself, or I should say, He brought me to the end of myself so that I could experience Him as He really is; my greatest treasure and highest joy! I wrote this novel simply to share with you the obstacles that kept me from this deeply satisfying intimacy with Christ and the nature of the Life that I found on the other side of those obstacles. My hope is that you too will see Him more clearly, treasure Him more deeply and experience authentic joy in Christ more fully than ever before!
Get your paperback copy now:
https://xulonpress.com/bookstore/bookdetail.php?PB_ISBN=9781545638477&HC_ISBN=
https://www.amazon.com/Authentic-Joy-Matik-Nicholls/dp/1545638470/
Kindle version coming next month!
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
When Children Are Our Idols
I think that we can love our children too much. Well, actually that’s not true; we can never love too much but we can have a counterfeit love for our children that is more akin to worship. Our whole life is for them. We say things like, “Mommy will do anything for you baby.” Will we really? I hope not. “You are my sun, my heart, the centre of my world.” I really wonder if we understand the ramifications of statements like that? It sounds great; like something a dedicated, loving parent would say but is it really?
According to a Time article by Jennifer Moses, “The problem with all this, aside from how silly it is, is that children who are the center of their parents’ lives become brats. Children whose parents put their kids’ entertainment, social lives, futures, and schedules ahead of their own well-being soon learn that there is only one important person in the room, and that person is the person whose short life has already been captured on endless video clips. This is not good. This is not good at all. Not for the kid. Not for the grownup. Not for the family dog.”
Children who are worshipped, grow up believing they are gods and believe that everyone will bend to their will as their parents have for their entire short lives. These ‘helicopter parents’ swoop in to clean up every mess and comfort every discomfort, robbing their charges of the necessary coping skills and character development that can only come from unmet expectations, disappointments, failures and the sometimes unfair hard-knocks of life. These poor children often suffer from depression and maladjustment as they encounter the real world outside their little personal kingdom.
Many of these parents may actually have co-dependent relationships with their kids; dependent on them for affirmation and love. According to Psychology Today, here are 5 signs that you are in a co-dependent relationship (To look at this from a parental point of view I substituted ‘partner’ with ‘child’):
- Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your child’s needs?
- Is it difficult to say no when your child makes demands on your time and energy?
- Do you cover your child’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
- Do you constantly worry about their opinion of you?
- Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
I find this list a bit scary because it is so close to our accepted paradigm of good parenting today. The thing about co-dependency is that (i) it prevents you from taking actions in the best interest of the child, and (ii) it is often a behaviour that the child repeats in his/her relationships. It is a very unhealthy behaviour that is not easily changed.
However, there is hope. The first step is awareness. Here are some habits that will keep us from co-dependent tendencies:
- Set clear boundaries on our time. For example, Sunday is my rest/fun day. I will not be taking you to any regular activity on a Sunday.
- Set clear boundaries on what we will and will not do for our children. I will not do your school project for you. I may guide and assist but you are responsible for it, not me. I will not write an excuse for you for not completing your homework unless there was a serious emergency that prevented you from completing your assignment.
- Intentionally give them more and more responsibility and autonomy as they get older. For example, as my daughter graduates to secondary school she will be ironing her own school uniform from now on. She is also allowed to be on social media now.
- Intentionally nurture interests and hobbies other than our children. For example, no matter how much my children may believe that I am not entitled to go out or play football or take trips (or do anything really) without them, I go anyway.
Our children deserve every opportunity to grow and mature into strong, balanced and healthy adults. Let’s not fail them by loving them to pieces but instead let’s love them to wholeness.
Joyfully.
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
The Fire Series – Celebrate Life!
So, these days I have been enjoying a season where God has been inviting me to celebrate life; to live each day with thanksgiving and celebrating Him in every thing and every moment. So often we feel it is only holy or godly to refrain from enjoying things. Yes, sometimes there are seasons when we must discipline the flesh but that does not mean that earthly pleasures are bad. It always struck me that Jesus’ disciples did not fast because while Jesus was with them it was a time for celebration (eating and drinking) not fasting. Through the Holy Spirit, Jesus is with us always and yet some of us still feel guilty if we enjoy what this earthly life has to offer.
I think sometimes we forget that God created everything. He created pleasure. All earthly pleasures point to the ultimate pleasure we experience in God. They are a little taste of the divine. All creation reveals the Creator! The secret I have discovered in this season is to enjoy everything with thanksgiving and celebration to The One who gave all life and the fullness of the earth for our enjoyment.
In fact, it is this deep inner worship that should make us Christians enjoy this life more than anybody else! We should savour every meal with awe at a God who made such a myriad of tastes and sensations. Every bite and sip should be with praise! Our shared fellowship should be all the sweeter knowing the sacred temples with whom we dine – carriers of the divine spark! We should be having the best sex. Yes, I said sex. We of all people should be shouting, “Hallelujah!” and “Thank You Jesus!” for a God who created such an orgasmic union of husband and wife!
OK switching gears before I get stoned for heresy… Currently, I’m on a school trip with my daughter and her classmates. To save money, they put boys with male parents and girls with female parents, four to a room. I dreaded having to share a room with strangers, but I sucked it up to give my little girl an experience to remember.
What it meant though was that I had to find somewhere to spend my morning alone time with God. But He had already put things in place. I woke up early this morning and headed down to the beach. Not a soul was there as the first glimmers of sunrise peeked over the ocean horizon. The morning pelicans dived into the surf while the waves seemed to be running races to see who would reach the shore first creating a salty mist that filled the air . The entire setting spoke to me powerfully. “Celebrate life!” it said. This poem bubbled up in my soul:
All creation celebrates You Lord!
We were all created to sing Your praise!
Help me to exult You O God!
I do not want to be left out of this symphony of worship!
Help me to frolic with the waves.
Help me to shine with the sun.
Help me to sing and soar with the birds.
Help me to be still with You in the mist.
Help me to caress You with the breeze.
Help me to celebrate the Giver of Life!
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
Performance Pressure
Next month my 12-year-old daughter writes the big SEA exam for entrance into secondary school. My 16-year-old son will also write his O’Level exams around the same time. Meanwhile, at work we have been having conversations about setting more challenging goals and cultivating a high-performance culture. These days, it is more evident to me than ever before how deeply this performance culture permeates our society.
There are side-effects to this culture that reminds me of those ads for some new wonder drug that promises to change your life, but possible side effects include drowsiness, depression, nausea, dizziness and erectile dysfunction. You begin to wonder if the drug is worth it right?
Some of the side effects of a performance culture that I have observed are:
- Unhealthy comparison/competition
- Confusing ability to perform with self-worth
- Fear of failure
Unhealthy comparison/competition
I have children with different natural abilities and talents. One may be great at math while another may have great physical agility. One may have a superior command of the English language, while another may be good at arts and craft. I see my role as a father as facilitating the emergence of the best in each of them based on their individual potential (not their performance compared to others).
Unavoidably, that means unequal treatment. To illustrate: If I have one child who is a natural math genius and they get 95% in an exam and another who struggles with math and they get 65% in an exam, I would reward them equally. What the performance culture does is sets up a way of thinking that encourages comparison against others rather than against your own potential. So, the child who gets 95% may feel unfairly treated because he/she did much better than the other one. But that’s ok. Far worse is the child that is always held to the standards of his/her sibling. It can leave awful scars.
In business, the negative behaviours that this type of thinking often breed is unhealthy competition between peers or departments. Unhealthy meaning that individual or departmental success is prioritized above the company’s overall success. Once I meet my targets that’s all that matters!
Confusing ability to perform with self-worth
This is one that I’m particularly watchful for any signs of in my children. Too often failing to pass an exam or win a match is interpreted as a reflection on personal self-worth. It needs to be said that the top students and top athletes are not necessarily better people! So often we write-off people because they don’t have the credentials or track-record that we think is important. There are so many valuable attributes that are not generally measured!
Failing an exam does not make you a failure. Not meeting your goals does not make you a failure. The human being is more than the narrow band that society focuses on. The same culture is also in the church by the way, the indicators are just different. The church measurables are: How long do you pray? How many times do you attend church? How well do you know the bible? How long have you been married? How long have you been serving the Lord? Are your children serving the Lord? Thankfully, God does not measure us that way. We are all The Father’s children and we were all worthy enough that Jesus died for us, every one!
Fear of failure
In a paradoxical way, this high-performance culture ensures mediocrity. If you know that your boss is going to measure you by what you say you are going to achieve, then you are not going to set any outrageous goals. But don’t we want people to go after the unattainable, the outrageous? Sure we do, but we are never going to get that unless it is ok to fail.
The other way we insure against failure is by taking as few risks as possible. We are constantly taking the safest road possible because we know that we will be severally penalized for failure. The culture keeps our focus on the wrong thing; on what could go wrong, instead of what could go right!
This happens at home too. Do we parents support our children when they come with some outrageous pie-in-the-sky dream? Sometimes we stifle our children by making them play it safe. Go to school and become a doctor or a lawyer. Drop out and start a business making earrings? Don’t be crazy! However, some of our most celebrated business leaders today started out as college drop-outs with crazy ideas.
In summary, here’s my philosophy of life in answer to this prevailing culture:
- The only person I’m in competition with is myself. I challenge myself to grow continuously and become all that God wants me to become. I don’t want to leave unfulfilled potential on the table.
- I don’t have to succeed at the expense of your failure. We can all succeed together. I believe in win-win. I believe we can all be exceptional!
- I believe every single person is highly valuable not because of anything they have done or not done but because they were created by God. Every person has something valuable that they can add to my life and if I don’t see it, it just means I’m not looking hard enough.
- Failure is an opportunity to learn! I am not defined by my failures. I am not afraid of failure. I am afraid of not living life to the fullest!
Joyfully,
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
Reset
I knew I needed a reset. All the signs were there. I was grumpy. I was lethargic. Work was frustrating. I wasn’t feeling good about myself. I didn’t feel like praying. And you know that person whose only purpose in life, it seems, is to pull you down? That special deluxe order hater? Well my super-hater was getting more and more under my skin than normal. I desperately needed a reset.
Yesterday, I had planned to go to the beach after work but got ambushed as I dropped in the house to change my clothes. “Where you going daddy?” “To the beach.” “Without us?” (puppy dog eyes) “Uh…no… sigh. I have to do groceries, you all wanna come?” “Yay!” And just like that my reset plan turned into a grocery outing, which was not too bad. I enjoy spontaneous moments with my little ones, but it was not what I really needed.
This morning I woke up feeling worse. I was desperate now. I had to do something! Then as though manna fell from heaven. Angels sang as an outrageous plan floated into my mind. What is stopping me from doing a bike ride to the waterfall? Exercise, nature, water, fresh air, natural beauty, all the ingredients of a blissful morning.
An hour or so later I was rounding the last bend and there it was…exhale. The stepping stone path was lined on either side with thick, verdant foliage bearing small white flowers. The flowers were littered on the path as well and just coming into sight was the Maracas waterfall. It isn’t fed by a much of a stream but what it lacks in volume it makes up for in height. The water cascades down the cliff face, connecting with various outcroppings before stinging the huge rocks at the bottom. As you near the bottom, fine mist covers you and then as you get closer it gets progressively heavier until the main downpour thrums on your head and shoulders.
At first, I just sat on a rock and drank it all in. Everything spoke to me of the goodness of God. His fingerprint was on everything. The rocks, the trees, the clouds scooting across the sky. I saw His beauty all around me. I felt His love in the mist on my face. His mercy and grace flowed over me in wave after wave, unceasingly, like the water flowing over that waterfall that somehow never ran out. I sang praises with the birds and washed away the cares of the world as I stood under the cascade.
My soul needs periodic refreshing in the bowels of nature as much as my body needs food. It’s not just a luxury. It’s a necessity. I couldn’t live an urban life. I often wonder how those sterile, concrete housing schemes are affecting the souls of its inhabitants. I know I couldn’t survive there.
But I need to do more. Currently, I’m just surviving. Living for nature top-ups. It’s not just nature but general soul care. I need to formulate a plan. Less technology. Less noise. More stillness. More solitude. More play. More bare footedness. Less busy-ness. More walks and runs and rides. More sun, sand, sea, forest and river.
I realize that it won’t happen unless I make it happen. So, I’m making a commitment. Making some changes. Little habits I will inculcate every week, every month, every year to ensure that I’m not just surviving but thriving. What about you? Is your life feeling cluttered and rushed? Or maybe just a little less alive than you know it could be? Maybe you need a reset?
Joyfully,
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.