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Category: Parenting

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The Role of Spiritual Grandparents

I would not be who I am today without my grandparents. My parents were not rich and had to prioritize how they spent their finite income. When I needed braces my Grampa stepped in to assist. When I wanted to go to university, he stepped in again to pay tuition for my first year.

My grandparents also provided a different kind of input… At a time in their lives when my parents were busy trying to make ends meet and dealing with their own personal struggles, my grandparents were at a stage in their lives to just be present with us. My sister and I went by them every weekend and every school vacation.

On some vacations, we went to camp and stayed with our great aunt. We would wake up every morning to Aunty Lu making us breakfast while singing hymns. We loved it when she made us cake because we got to lick the bowl. Yum! And when I was learning to make breakfast for myself, she never made a fuss when I repeatedly made a mess trying to figure out how to crack open eggs.

Granny lived for every single detail of what was happening in our lives. She was my steadfast cheerleader. She let me know that I was valued and cherished at some of the lowest points in my life. I have never spoken of this but in her last days here on earth I went to visit her and, as she struggled through waves of pain, she said, “Thank you Matik.”

I was taken aback. “For what?” I asked.

“For being you.”

That was my Granny.

I believe that when one reaches a certain age, the experiences of life bring a certain clarity – an appreciation of what is important. And, if one has been a good student of life, it also brings the relational and emotional tools to become a better agent of love. I have often heard people say that the grandparents that their children experience are nothing like how they experienced the same people as parents. There is some truth to this and in a sense, that’s how it should be. That’s why we need grandparents. I see my parents being these agents of love to my sister and me and our children.

This is also true of spiritual grandparents. The older generation in our church communities is a vital component. I firmly believe that little old ladies are the pillars of the church. I love to spend time with them! Spiritual grandparents teach us how to love steadfastly, how to pray without ceasing, how to live in perpetual hope, and how to rise above the pettiness that sometimes consumes the younger generations.

Sadly, many of us do not understand the role of spiritual grandparents and their gift is left unopened, languishing on the pews and stranded on the pulpit.

There are two main deceptions that cause this. The first is that we tend to value people based on gifting instead of maturity. We want to receive from those who seem great – the charismatic preacher, the prophet who unveils great mysteries, the evangelist who draws thousands to Christ, the teacher who knows all the Hebrew and Greek words, the reverend bishop apostle who has millions of followers and hundreds of books… These are our heroes – the ones we seek – the ones we emulate. What we fail to realize is that a greatly gifted person is not necessarily a very mature person. A mature person is full of the fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, gentleness, faith, goodness, and self-control.

Mature people – spiritual grandparents – are indispensable for the health of the Body of Christ. Spending one hour with a mature person who is full of the fruit of the Spirit is far more profitable than spending months with a noisy gong (1 Co 13:1-3). When we don’t value our spiritual grandparents, they become mere ornaments in our community, and we are robbed of their treasure. New believers should always be part of smaller groups that do life with older mature Christians so that the generations build upon one another instead of starting over from scratch again and again.

The second deception is when the grandparents themselves don’t understand their role and still try to be parents. Spiritual grandparents function the same as natural grandparents; they are agents of love that come alongside parents in a supportive role to fill in missing gaps and to lovingly show their grandchildren (immature Christians) how to live like Christ. Their love is quiet and behind the scenes, but it is powerfully transformative. It is tragic when a leader doesn’t know when to transition from frontstage to backstage. All leaders need to know when it is time to let the next generation take the reins and move into a supportive role. To move from parent to grandparent requires a switch from the busyness of pioneering the move of God to a slower more relational way of being with others. Grandparents are the heart of the community. Grandparents understand that an intimate heart-to-heart with one person over a cup of coffee is just as important as a sermon to thousands.

Sending my love to all the natural and spiritual grandparents in my life.

Copyright 2022, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

Spiritual Formation 201 is starting in January!

If you are hungry for a deeper walk with God and like-minded believers to walk alongside you in loving community for a season then why not join us?!

For more information and to register click here: https://authenticjoy.org/online-workshop-spiritual-formation-201/

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New Bible Study Plan! – Encouragement For Imperfect Fathers

I am way excited about my new YouVersion bible plan! This plan is different because it includes a daily testimony from my fatherhood journey. Here’s an excerpt… I hope it encourages you:

Sometimes as a father, I would be focused too much on correcting the attitudes and behaviours of my children. Soon they began to dread every time I said that I wanted to talk to them because they knew it would be about something they were doing wrong. When I realized that I had (albeit with good intentions) created a negative association with ‘talking to dad,’ I was heartbroken.

So, I determined to change. I began to work on finding good things to have heart-to-hearts about, and instead of correcting their behaviour, I focused on telling them about the amazing people God created them to be.

I remember one time in particular. I was worried about my son not applying himself in school. Instead of talking to him about that, I asked him what he saw himself doing in the future. It sparked a beautiful conversation about his ambitions and how he could set himself up for success. Frankly, I was surprised at how well it worked! I actually saw him begin to apply himself more in school. Later in the week, he scolded his brother for not having a bigger vision for his life. I had to work hard to hide my expression of incredulity!

Calling out the gold works ten times better than pointing out the dross!

Pray:

Father, You only make beautiful things! Help me to see my family through Your eyes and hold before them a vision of the greatness that you have for them! Help me to partner with You in calling them into their Heavenly identity.

Access the full plan here: Encouragement for Imperfect Fathers

Copyright 2022, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

If you haven’t yet, check out our FREE Spiritual Growth Foundation Course in which we cover the four foundational principles for spiritual growth and much more! In addition to on-demand videos which you can watch at your leisure, there are downloadable handouts for those who prefer written content.

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Father’s Day Musings

Father’s Day has been a bit surreal for me this year. I do not normally pay any heed to Father’s Day. I don’t expect much. But God has been focusing my attention very keenly on my family of late and so I found myself really thinking about my fatherhood and my father a lot today.

I have been realizing how much I need to do with my children to help them to heal from wounds that I have caused. This is the first time that all my children are living with me. They have all experienced at some point in their childhood what it is like to live without their father being in the same house with them. Although in my heart and mind I have never abandoned them (and in fact have always been very present emotionally, financially, and as much as possible physically) I am realizing that their experience is quite different. I am realizing how much just being there for a child every day makes a huge difference. A difference that is difficult to make up with weekend visits.

I am also realizing that they have all been told stories about me abandoning them by their mothers. (If you are a single mom or a single dad, I’m begging you for your children’s sake, don’t tell them that their father/mother left them because they didn’t want them or didn’t love them. The only person you are hurting with that narrative is your child.) Anyway, what’s done is done. My job is to change the narrative. Every day is a new opportunity to change the ending of the story for my family. With God’s guidance and amazing grace, that’s what I’m doing.

As I pondered all of this today, I realized afresh how much my dad did for my sister and I by just staying. My parents were not married when my sister and I were born and neither of us were planned. But, he stayed. We called him Baba and for the first five years of our lives, he was the one at home while mom worked. I cannot remember a single night when either of them went out. They were home every night. They both sacrificed a lot for us to have a home.

I learned a lot from Baba but not from what he said (he is not a talker) but from just being around him. I learned to be myself no matter what and I learned how to navigate the world. I remember when one of my friends got boxing gloves as a present. Every boxing ‘game’ would end up with me beat up and crying. Baba said, “When he’s swinging wide you just punch straight”. I tried it out next time and all it took was one punch to end that game once and for all. I also remember the first time I was allowed to go to cinema by myself. Palladium was walking distance from my house, so off I went to the midday show with Baba’s advice in my head. “Always be alert. Know what is happening in your surroundings.” It was an adventure! Exciting and a bit scary at the same time. As I reached back home, I saw Baba coming up behind me… He had been with me the whole way home but out of sight, making sure I was safe.

Thank you Baba, for always being there for me. (Even up to last week fixing my kitchen sink 😊).

My wife has been a beautiful instrument in God’s hands to help me to learn to receive love. She is the one who insisted that I must be made a big deal of today. She doted over me and got me a wonderful present that I was not expecting. This year I decided to allow myself to be celebrated. It felt good. Thanks hun! Love you!

But what really made today extra special was my daughter. The joy she gave me today is indescribable. First of all, she made macaroons from scratch for me. Then she sent me a Father’s Day video that perfectly captured our relationship. I’ve watched it at least 5 times already and teared up every time. Aaaand she is working on some surprise present that she has not finished yet. But most of all, she just came looking for me throughout the day to spend time with me. I can’t believe that she did so much to show me that she loves me (sniff, sniff).  

It’s been a good day. I’m thankful. I’m thinking that I might just extend Father’s Day into Monday 😊.

Copyright 2021, Matik Nicholls.
All rights reserved.

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How We Treat The Next Generation Determines Our Future

On one occasion Jesus was teaching the people and they kept bringing their children for Him to touch them. The disciples, however, did not think that blessing children was an appropriate use of Jesus’ time. They rebuked them for bothering their Master with such trivial matters. Jesus was indignant. “Do not hinder the children from coming to Me!” he said.

There are two value systems at work here… One says that children are of lesser importance and value than adults. The other says that children are of equal value and importance. Clearly, Jesus is in the latter camp. However, I wonder how seriously we Christians take the call to emulate Jesus in this regard. We much prefer the commandment that children should obey their parents and the proverb, ‘spare the rod and spoil the child’. We love to instill the value of obedience in our children but we’re not so keen on instilling in ourselves the value of treating our children as equally valuable contributors to our families and society.

This emphasis on obedience over value is so widespread that it’s easily missed. For example, do we consult with our children on family decisions that will affect them? Do schools consult with the students when making major changes? Instead, the message is: we adults make the rules and you must follow (without complaint or rudeness of course). This type of thinking is even more pervasive in countries like mine which value compliance over individual expression and empowerment.

Much to the dismay of my wider family and society, I have tried to give my children more of a voice in our family than in most Christian homes. Whereas a ‘good child’ in most Christian homes is one who is courteous and obedient, I have tolerated above-normal levels of push-back in favour of cultivating independent thought, negotiating skills, individual expression and initiative. I also apologize to my children when I lose my temper or do something to hurt them. This is very counter-cultural in traditional Caribbean homes where a wrong look from a child could earn them a beating. I have been told, “Why are you apologizing to a child?!” or “You are the adult and they are the child! You are spoiling them!”.

Admittedly, this is an experiment. Only time will tell if my method has any merit. However, I am 100% committed to living the values that I see in Jesus as best I can. Children were not second-class citizens to Him. I also have to admit that my experiment requires more effort and I’m constantly trying to strike the right balance. There are many times that I wish they would just please please comply without a fuss… (I do have a few years more experience in life than they do after all… sigh, exhale). Recently, my youngest has really been testing me with regards to his online gaming habits and after numerous attempts at a more collaborative approach, I’ve had to make some ‘my way or the highway’ decisions. Sometimes you do have to protect them from themselves.

In general, however, I think we have a value system that gives preference to the needs and desires of adults over children. The adults want it quiet; the children cannot play loudly. The adults want a clean house; the children can’t make mess. The adults don’t think that career will make money; the children must choose different subjects. The child then becomes a compliant automaton, rebels or waits patiently for the day of liberation when he or she has the power to make their own rules. Thus, perpetuating the cycle of using our power to get our way rather than using our power to empower others. And this is the crux of the matter – our attitude to power. Are we willing to give our power away to our children (or to our congregation or to our staff for that matter) or will we covet power to shower ourselves with perks and rewards? Which is the way of Christ?

At the end of the day, I see my job as supporting, nurturing and guiding my children into their own relationship with Jesus and mature adulthood. In neither their faith nor their life, do I want them to come into maturity by passively living through my relationship with God or following my dictates. I want them to find their own relationship and their own way. I’m here to support, coach, encourage, equip and empower.

I am convinced that in Trinidad and Tobago our parenting, schooling, church culture and workplace culture are set up to perpetuate a power-coveting worker mentality; people skilled at towing the line, not thinking for themselves, and seeking power through political maneuvering.  We have mass-produced these non-thinking suck-ups and the result is a generational inheritance of people who vote based on their race, expect the government to look after their tribe when they get into power, and exhibit no entrepreneurial spirit. I refuse to let that be the legacy of my family. I refuse to have that power sickness live in my heart. Our children may be a little more rambunctious, but I like rambunctious 😊.

Copyright 2021, Matik Nicholls.
All rights reserved.

To receive more content like this in your inbox and to receive a free e-copy of my book, The Primacy of The Voice of God – Elevating the Word of God to Its Rightful Position, please subscribe to www.authenticjoy.org.

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A Mile in My Shoes

Being a man is not as glamourous or as easy as some women (and men) would make it out to be. We just don’t talk about it. And that’s the problem. The media is littered with the struggles women face in the workplace and in the family but there is a noticeable void when it comes to the challenges unique to the male gender. This in and of itself is one of the biggest challenges men face. We believe manliness includes the projection of strength at all times. This is one of the great issues of our time. It is destroying families, churches, corporations and countries. Men will not be vulnerable, show weakness, seek help or admit failure until they are forced to do so by a catastrophic crash.

I am particularly passionate about this culture of machismo and bravado in the church world because I see the wake of destruction it is causing. I am sure that almost every moral failure of every religious leader could be traced back to a point where the problem was still in its infancy but there was no space in the culture to be open about their problems. To admit that ‘we all sin’ is the biggest sin. It would mean being shamed, judged and demoted. Leaders must be infallible. The enemy, ably assisted by bible-thumping ‘perfect’ pastors worldwide, has used this culture to keep men of God in a morass of moral stagnancy for decades. True transformation begins with the space to ‘confess’ failure safely and receive help not condemnation. *Exhale* I digress..

So, I thought that in this blog I would give some insight into some of my personal struggles as a way of giving some insight into the male psyche and taking a small stand against this destructive definition of masculinity. I was actually grappling with these thoughts (by myself of course) amid the normal daily chaos of family life when I came across a podcast by my cousin and his friends titled Toxic Masculinity. That podcast inspired me to share my story.

I consider myself the leader of my family. I know this is, perhaps, a traditional view of the family structure, but I believe it is still a widely held belief (although most might not admit to it outright). Certainly, it is a common belief in the Judeo-Christian world. I start here because it sets the context for most men of the psychological pressures that we face as husbands and fathers. This has less to do with power and much more to do with responsibility. I abhor submission doctrines that are really tantamount to domination doctrines. I view my wife as co-leader of our family, but I still feel a great responsibly to provide for and protect my family. It’s just how I am wired and how many men I talk to are wired. This is not just in a financial and physical sense but also in an emotional sense. I want my wife and children to feel loved and I want them to be happy and I feel a great sense of responsibility to provide an environment that makes that happen.

As a disciple of Christ, I understand that the best thing I can do for my family is to follow God wholeheartedly. I know that if I align myself and my family with His will everything will be optimal. However, the problem I face is this – who determines what is God’s will? Do I? Does my wife? The children? We all believe we know the right way and often we are not in agreement. This is exacerbated in a blended family like mine.

In a blended family there are two sets of adults and children with distinct and unique cultures and traditions coming together to live in one house. Conflict is inevitable and inevitably each parent feels like the one caught in the middle. For me, on one hand, my wife wants my support in enforcing things the way she believes they should be done and if I don’t it makes her look like the evil stepmother. On the other hand, my children want things to remain as they were before and if I take her ‘side’ it’s evidence that I love her more than them and everything is now about her. This is the tightrope I have to walk every day and it is TOUGH.

Constantly, I find myself in the middle trying to make everyone see things from the other’s point of view. This scenario is not just between my wife and my children. It’s between her biological children and my biological children. It’s my children’s mother who has concerns about what’s affecting her children in my house. Its grandparents who have their own views of how we are bringing up the children. In each case, I am trying not to just brush them off but to actively listen, to hear the heart behind the words and ultimately to have a response that is filled with the wisdom and compassion of God and that reconciles and not divides.

If I did not care what God thought, it would be easy! I could just ignore everyone. “You can’t let your children run your home!” the parental pundits say. (Far less listen to your ex-wife’s concerns). But that’s not an option for me because my God teaches humility and compassion and to value EVERYONE. Many (if not all) Christian counselors say that husbands should put their wives first and children second, but I cannot subscribe to that in a blended context. Children in a blended family desperately need to know that they haven’t suddenly become second-rate citizens.

So, I find myself many times pleasing no one and everyone feeling that I favour the others. This is the defining feeling of being a man for me. The feeling that there is no one emotionally supporting me. I have to be the voice of reason, the inspirer, the pray-er, the optimist, the visionary, the reminder of God’s promises, the bigger person and reconciler to everyone and expect no empathy for my role. Often, I feel emotionally blackmailed into a decision and when it backfires, I beat myself up for listening to my wife or my children instead of doing what I felt was right.

But this is not THE truth. In a sense, it’s a prison of my own making because I am actually surrounded by supportive people! The truth is that my wife is my #1 cheerleader and support. In fact, she could be having the worst day but if she knows that I am struggling she immediately switches to full on support mode. I also have children (some more than others) that say, “Thank you dad for all you do for me.” Honestly, there has not been a moment in my life when I’ve had more support than right now. Yet, I still often feel overwhelmed because I still feel that it’s my job to be the strong one for them.

More recently, God has been teaching me to give my burdens to Him. I’ve always known this in theory… I could say the prayer, “Lord I give my burdens to You” but now more than ever I am learning how to practice this exchange of my anxiety, frustration and fatigue for His security, love and refreshing in tender moments of intimacy with Him each morning. It’s a beautiful place.

Well that’s my story. I would love to hear what being a man feels like for you.

Copyright 2021, Matik Nicholls.
All rights reserved.

To receive more content like this in your inbox and to receive a free e-copy of my book, The Primacy of The Voice of God – Elevating the Word of God to Its Rightful Position, please subscribe to www.authenticjoy.org.

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Do I Love Working from Home?

Yes I do, but I didn’t always feel that way about some aspects of our new normal. My new perspective on work from home started with this statement:

“Daddy, you have to help me with a PowerPoint presentation for school.”

“OK, bring your laptop next to mine and you will follow what I do.”

As I sat showing my 12-year-old the magic of animation and the art of the layout, I felt oddly useful. Finally, a school project that is super relevant to the real world and that I’m really good at! I got to pass on my knowledge to the next generation.

Time travel back to over a thousand years ago, and the two of us could have been putting horseshoes on a horse or kneading dough for the family’s famous bread that supplied the whole village. Back then (in the 1800s, before the industrial revolution and urbanization), work was mainly done by hand at home. People lived where they worked. Turn… turn… turn… and here we are again living and working in the same location, albeit in a completely new way. Truly there is nothing new under the sun, as King Solomon would say.

I understood in a new way what had been lost with the industrial revolution and lost again with women heading into the workforce en masse in more recent times. I remembered reading about Corrie Ten Boom and her family of watchmakers, living atop their little shop. I remembered reading about the family rituals where work and leisure intermingled like a tapestry, and children grew up observing not just a tiny slice of their parents’ lives, but the gamut of dealing with customers, handling crises and honing their craft. The scope of learning was entirely more holistic and relevant to real life.

I came out of my reverie with a new perspective. I had been bemoaning the loss of separation between work and family life and the stress of sharing my work space with my children. BUT… what if there is a golden opportunity here that we have been completely missing? Consider this with me…

Every time our children crash our Zoom meeting is not a cause for embarrassment or anxiety, it is actually an opportunity for them to learn how work gets done in the real world. A world they will soon inherit.  The type of work and the tools may be different, but the core lessons are not much different to managing the family farm.

In a counter-intuitive way (given that this virtual world has been vilified as one that alienates), we have also removed some of the distance that separated us from our co-workers and customers. In that bygone era of village life, co-workers and sometimes customers became like family. Inviting someone into your shop was almost the same as inviting them into your home after all. Life was lived in closer proximity. There is an opportunity now to invite each other again into our virtual spaces… to welcome it instead of resisting it. There is the opportunity to discuss a piece of work with your colleague, for example, with the sound of your daughter’s piano lessons in the background. “Wow, she has improved so much since last time!” we would remark humorously, remembering the cacophony that jarred our last meeting. The world needs more proximity in my estimation. Separation allow us to co-exist without ever really knowing each other. I believe many of our societal schisms and racial tensions would evaporate in time if we simply got to know each other better.

There is power in perspective. There is a moving scene in the bible where Joseph confronts his brothers who sold him into slavery. Many, many years have passed. Joseph has experienced servitude and imprisonment but comes through it all through the divine hand and favor of God. As he stands reunited with his brothers, the highest official over the kingdom of Egypt after Pharoah, he reveals himself to them and they are understandably afraid. To reassure them he makes this monumental statement, “Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.” Joseph had a different perspective.

We too today, need to bring to the world a different perspective. Paul said that for those who love God and are called according to His purpose, all things work together for good. This is the truth that Joseph demonstrated and understood as he looked back over his life. As we stand in the midst of this global pandemic, we should have a keen sense that, this too is working for God’s good purpose. Wrapped inside the pandemic package are gold nuggets that it is our privilege as sons of God to prophetically discern and mine.

It’s a great time to be alive! What shift in perspective can you make to help you engage more powerfully with the purpose of God at this time?

To receive more content like this in your inbox and to receive a free e-copy of my book, The Primacy of The Voice of God – Elevating the Word of God to Its Rightful Position, please subscribe to www.authenticjoy.org.

Copyright 2020, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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In Memory of Sonji

Last month my ex-wife, Sonji Delicia Nicholls (nee Daniel), passed away. It was the end of a five-year battle with cancer. Today’s blog is my small way of honouring her life but first a bit of back-story…

Sonji’s death and a couple other issues in my life have had me immobilized for a few weeks now. I struggled to write anything. I felt overwhelmed and when I get emotionally overwhelmed, I shut down. I retreated into my cave. In any case, what would I write about? I did not have any inspiration about anything, and I did not have the strength to tackle the landmine of sensitivities surrounding writing about one’s ex-wife (or any of the other issues for that matter). I mean, what would I say? How would our son, Isaac, feel about it? How would her family feel about it? How would my wife feel about it?

As I slowly emerged from my emotional coma, I felt a growing desire to write down my thoughts. It’s my therapy. But first I had to talk it over with my life partner. After a few decades of sharing the planet with the female gender, I’ve finally gained enough emotional intelligence to know that after being emotionally unavailable to my current wife for weeks it’s not a good idea for her to read a blog about my ex-wife without any prior discussion. 😊

Why is it so much easier to write about how I feel and post for the world to see than to look the person closest to me in the eye and talk about it? Because I care so much more about what she thinks than anyone else. That’s how vulnerability works. That’s one of the reasons why being a truly Godly husband is far more difficult and laudable than being a great Christian leader. But I digress…

Sonji and I have been divorced for over 15 years and over those years there is one thing that has united us – our mutual desire for the best for our son, Isaac. As to what constituted the best for him, on some things we agreed, and others were a source of continuous conflict. One of the latter was my desire for Isaac to come to live with me during his teenage years. Well, my desire has finally been fulfilled but it’s so bittersweet. For Isaac to lose his mother at eighteen is something no right-thinking father would wish for his son.

That brings me to Saul and David. They had their disagreements too (to put it mildly) and one could easily argue that Saul’s death made David’s life so much easier… but David did not see it that way and I understand how he felt so much better now. David mourned the loss of Saul. So much so that he wrote a song of lament over him. He only remembered the best of him…. And this is how I remember Sonji… And I don’t just mean that I choose to. I mean that, now, literally, all that fills my thoughts are the good things that she embodied. When someone is gone the disagreements seem so insignificant compared with who they were to you.

I remember the girl that loved God passionately. Sonji’s passion for Jesus diverted the path of my life from aimless existence to purposeful pursuit. I will be forever thankful for her for pointing me towards God in a deeper way. I remember the early days when we were just friends, I would travel with her from work and walk her from her house to a prayer meeting in the neighbourhood. All the while she would chatter on and on about the bible and what God was doing in her life. I never had to carry the conversation, but it was just nice to bathe in the light of her passion for God.

I remember Sonji’s grandmother. Sonji loved her dearly and I believe she got her love for God as an inheritance from her granny. She could barely see, her back was severely bent and her feet were worn by years of walking but despite her physical appearance her spirit was not downtrodden in any way. She was a pillar in Sonji’s life. I am positive that right now she and Sonji are enjoying a very joyful heavenly reunion!

Sonji was the consummate mother. She was the product of two generations of matriarchal homes and I only understood later how that shaped her in ways that were not even conscious on her part. She was a matriarch long before Isaac was born. I remember the motherly role she played in her little brother’s life. She would worry about him constantly and always took care of him. Yes, the mother instinct in Sonji was strong. I remember her forcing Isaac to eat as a toddler. He was always a big boy and I would point out to her that he was in no way malnourished and that he would surely eat when he was ready. She was not deterred. She was going to make sure her son was well fed.  Even when Isaac was a hard-back teenager, she would still call me when he was with me to check whether I had given him breakfast. It was a running joke between us. She couldn’t help it. Everything she did was with Isaac in mind.

I remember her strength. She was not loud and did not like confusion or conflict but do not think for a second that that meant that she lacked strength of conviction. She made her way quietly but indomitably. This was evident in her illness. She was upbeat and smiling throughout every second of her fight with cancer. She didn’t even look ill. If you did not know that she was fighting for her life you couldn’t tell.

I firmly believe that Sonji is now her best self. Complete, whole, beholding Jesus with clear sight and no doubt ringside in the cloud of witnesses cheering us on (especially Isaac of course). I will do my best Sonji, to walk with Isaac on the next leg of his journey. You certainly did your best in bringing him to adulthood. I honour you.

Copyright 2020, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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A Love That Fights

A couple of weeks ago I spent an afternoon at the beach bodyboarding with my eldest son. I have not gone bodyboarding since maybe I was in my twenties and it’s been a while since he and I have done something like that together, without the rest of the family. We had so much fun racing down the waves together. Just the two of us, carefree sea-buddies. I will remember that day forever.

Afterward, I dropped him home. We parted with our usual little goodbye ritual and I started the journey home. It was night by this time and as I cruised along the highway with my thoughts for company a strange feeling came over me that started with a sudden epiphany.

“He’s eighteen now! He’s an adult!”

In my mind I saw the little one-and-a-half-year-old baby the last day that I held him before the events that led to his mom and I getting divorced. I had done it. I had stayed alongside him all the way to adulthood and now here we were; father and son and more than that – buddies. I had stayed true to the commitment I made to that little baby boy to be the best father I could be to him even though I lived in a different house.

Tears ran down my face as the streetlights blurred past. But I could not understand why I was crying… Some emotion filled my soul, but I had no idea what its name was. Was it, relief? No. Was it some sort of pride at my paternal accomplishment? No, it wasn’t that either. Even as I was overcome with emotion, I struggled to understand what I was feeling.

Memories flashed through my head. It had not been easy to be the type of father I wanted to be to my son. Many times, I had to fight tooth and nail to be a part of his life while trying not to fracture the tenuous relationship with his mother which would defeat the very purpose of my effort. In truth it has been a constant battle-dance. Without God I would have failed miserably.

When I left the marriage, I became untrustworthy and when I left her church, I became a bad influence. Those two demon-labels were hell to wrestle against while I was trying to be a significant part of my son’s life. But I fought. Sometimes I lost. I did not get much say in the schools he attended. But I fought. I was not allowed to be there for his baptism. But I fought.

It was in his early teens when he had an assessment with a psychologist, and she unearthed that he had a fear of me leaving him. I was heartbroken. How could he not know that I would never leave him?? I had fought so hard to be there for him in every way I knew how. I learned that day just how insidious the enemy is and how fragile the human heart is. The enemy magnifies every event, thought and conversation that would perpetuate his nasty lies and destabilize our lives with fear. Well I was not going to let the enemy win! At the earliest opportunity I let my baby boy know in no uncertain terms that I would NEVER leave him no matter what. I know it made a difference in his heart. My only regret is not knowing sooner that I needed to say it.

As I write this, it is only now that I understand what I was feeling; what I can feel even now. It’s the feeling that you have after years of hard battle when you look back at the sacrifices, the wounds, the scars and you can say that it was worth it. The prize of the fight was worth the years of hardship on the battlefield. The love I share with my son was worth it all. This was what it was all for. There may still be many a skirmish to come and I won’t be backing down, but I can see the victory.

God spoke to me that night. He said, “I feel the same way about you. I will never leave you nor forsake you all the days of your life. My love is steadfast.” My Father knew that I also needed to hear it.

It was as if the fierce love that I felt for my son suddenly flew up out of my chest, multiplied a hundred-fold in the air and returned to encompass me – the warm embrace of my Heavenly Father. My tears also multiplied, as I understood in a new way that perfect love casts out all fear.

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Copyright 2020, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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Seeing Christ In The Blend

Many years ago, I remember listening to a popular psychologist speaking on a radio programme and she was saying that she never got into a relationship because she had a daughter and she did not like the idea of having a step-parent in her daughter’s life. I also remember thinking at that time that it sounded good, but something wasn’t sitting right in my spirit.

Now, with a lot more of life under my belt, I look back and I know what it was that disturbed me. It was a lack of faith. A lack of a bigger view of Christ and His ability to redeem the human condition. I understand her fears. There are many horror stories involving stepparents but Christ is bigger.

It has been 6 months since my wife and I exchanged vows joining our lives and our families as one, and these 6 months have not been without its challenges. (There were some days I just felt completely overwhelmed.) As soon as we got back from the honeymoon things got real pretty quick. Putting children with completely different backgrounds, experiences and family cultures under one roof is not something I would recommend for the faint of heart. There are issues of different parenting styles, feelings of jealousy toward this new person taking my mother’s/father’s time, issues of annoying new siblings and so on and so on…

Many times, it is easy to see the negatives and what isn’t working but I am determined to see the opportunity for Christ to be glorified in the midst of the chaos. The scriptures say (Mat 5:43-48 ESV):

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47 And if you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48 You therefore must be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

This passage reveals a kingdom secret – Christ is glorified not by how we love the lovable when things are ideal but by how we love the unlovable in the midst of difficult circumstances. The opportunity in my family is for us to demonstrate love in the midst of a situation that is not simple or ideal. And it’s for this reason that I’m undaunted by the challenges of my blended family. In fact, I’m excited and I get more and more so every time I see a glimmer of that redemptive love of Christ at work.

Christ does not write off people. There is not a situation or person so badly wrecked that Christ cannot transform it or him/her into something beautiful and life-giving. We must never forget that. We must hold onto that standard and never let go.

Again, I reminisce… many years ago, as a newbie in Christ, my pastor proclaimed from the pulpit that the men in the church were so messed up that they were beyond help and he had to start from scratch with a new generation. I cringed, but even so, I still did not fully grasp the magnitude of ignorance of Christ revealed in that statement. I pray I never lose sight of who Christ is to such a degree. I pray all who read this would receive a fresh impartation of faith to believe God for the resurrection of dead situations, dead relationships and rotten people. Lazarus was rotting but he wasn’t too far gone for Jesus to turn death into life!

Some Christians may see a blended family as an icon of failure; a second-rate Frankenstein assembled from the broken pieces of ‘real families’ but I see it as a place where the resurrection life of Christ can shine brightly. I see it as a place where second chances are redeemed by the blood of Christ. Second chances to exemplify the true love of husband and wife (Christ and the church) that children may have never seen before. Second chances for children to witness the centrality of Christ in the home as love is manifested in the down-n-dirty of long-suffering, patience, self-control, kindness, gentleness and compassion.

I see the first little green buds of that resurrection life in my family. I see it when the children all invade our bedroom just to sit on our bed while we pretend to protest about the invasion. I see it when the older ones show concern about the younger ones when they are sick or feeling down. I see it when my wife treats my children like they are her own (sometimes better!). Yes, there are big challenges, but Christ is bigger!

Copyright 2019, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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When Your Children Ask Hard Questions

Me and my little man.

Over the last 3 weeks I’ve been doing a series on kingdom culture which I hope you have been enjoying but today I’m taking a break to share something a little different. Actually, a lot different. Recently, I was going over the website for my blog, making a few updates, and I realized that I’d drifted a bit from my initial mission.

When I started this blog, it was my goal not only to share some of my thoughts but also some of my life. So, today I want to share an interaction I had with my son.

My new wife had popped into the grocery while I waited for her in the truck with my daughter and youngest son. And out of the blue he looks at me and asks, “So dad how long do you think this marriage will last?” I could hear my daughter snickering at the question. It was one of those hard questions that usually only children will ask so unabashedly.

As a side note, I encourage my children to ask me anything. I love the fact that they think about stuff and that they feel free to ask me whatever is on their mind. I never scold them and I never sidestep the answers.

So, in that vein, I said, “I expect this marriage to last for the rest of my life.” But I wasn’t going to get away so easily.

“Didn’t you expect the same thing for your other marriages?” he pressed.

“Well son, nobody goes into a marriage expecting it to fail.”

He looked thoughtful, “That makes sense.”

“But I guess what you are really asking is why do I think this one will be different. I believe that God chose this marriage not us. I believe that both of us followed His will when we decided to get married. Also, I believe there is a greater element of compatibility than before.”

“Well I really never saw you all quarrel so you could be right.”

And that was it. As I pondered the conversation, I felt the weight of past failures. Would it really be different? However, the feeling lasted no more than a moment. I have no illusions of my greatness as a husband or an easy road ahead but I am still very excited about the future. I am excited because I know Jesus is always with us in our marriage. Where we are weak, He is strong. With Jesus, our past does not dictate our future. He is THE reason for our hope.

I have rarely had the luxury of being able to tell my children that I did it all perfect so follow my example. My hope is that they will take the best from their parents and learn to avoid the worst. More than that, my ultimate hope is that my life will point them to Jesus, not to me. And I believe that that is a better heritage than a perfect track record!

Copyright Matik Nicholls, 2019. All rights reserved.