Category: Relationships

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Living Horizontally

I have been on the receiving end of leaders abusing their power a few times in my life. I came away from these experiences with serious questions about whether the models that I saw in the church were Biblical kingdom models. How would Christ lead a local church? In fact, He is building His church right now, so a better question is – How is He leading His church right now? A cursory look at the church leads me to the undeniable conclusion that Jesus is not demanding our obedience. Jesus has an unwavering commitment to respecting our free will, to non-punitive leadership, and to leading with love instead of fear.

This path of sacred respect for people’s free will is not a popular way to live in the business world and especially not in the church world, ironically. And it is not just the clergy; it is not popular with the laity either. In fact, most times I find the members of a local church are very much part of protecting the authoritarian leadership culture in the church. It seems that people do not want the shared responsibility or ambiguity of more distributed power systems. We like the simplicity and clarity of being able to put all the responsibility (and blame) for what happens in our community on someone else in exchange for our unquestioning obedience.

The doctrine of ‘divine rights of kings’ asserts that a monarch is not accountable to any man because their right to rule is derived from divine authority. While this governance model is rightly a relic of the past, the same value system very much informs our church leadership models today.

In the church, our frames of reference for understanding power in interpersonal relationships are all hierarchical, based on a very Old Testament model of judges, prophets and kings where there is one man assigned by God at the top of the pyramid. We seem to interpret our New Testament texts through this lens. We interpret ‘wives should submit to their husbands’ to mean that the wife is accountable to her husband, and the husband is only accountable to God. We interpret ‘obey your leaders and submit to them’ to mean that the congregation is accountable to the pastor and the pastor is only accountable to God. Any checks and balances we institute involve adding more layers to the hierarchy. The husband submits to a pastor. The pastor submits to an apostle. And so on.

However, I do not see this hierarchical model in the Trinity or in Christ. What I see is mutuality. I don’t see pyramids. I see circles. I see a power model that is less vertical and more horizontal. Where the husband and wife are mutually accountable to each other and to God, and likewise the pastor and the congregation.

Despite the unlimited power at Jesus’ disposal and the legitimate and divine right to rule over us, He gave up His divine privileges and took on the humble position of a human being (a baby at that). Consider that Jesus (God) was subject to His earthly parents.

I rather think that this is the mark of a mature Christian – that he or she is able to submit to those in a lower position. Really, it is submitting to the Christ in people, regardless of rank.

Ephesians 5:21 (ESV)
submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.

What would it look like if husbands could also defer their will to the will of their wives or children in reverence for Christ? What would it look like if church leaders could also submit their will to congregation members in reverence for Christ? I think it will look like true love, humility and leadership.

I believe mutuality is the way forward for true followers of Christ. What virtue is there in following orders because someone has a position? The heathens do that. But can we perceive Christ in the suggestions, counsel or correction of a peer or a junior and receive it? That is true virtue.

Of late, I have had my fill of spaces where the conversation is all vertical and one-way. I have had my fill of conferences, services, and webinars. Instead, I have been pressing more into the mutuality of groups and meet-ups where everyone has a voice, and it has been so refreshing! Whether it is a date with my wife, a moment of connection with my children, a meet-up with a friend, a family visit or an online discussion group, it has been like a balm to my soul. It feels like health. It feels like really living in connection with others. The steady stream of invites to attend this or that keep coming, but saying, “No thank you,” has become easier and easier (at this point it is a joy to say no frankly) and I have been becoming more and more enjoyable to be with.

Recently, my wife has remarked on the transformation she has been seeing in my life. I could not name what was happening until now. I am enjoying people more. She has been experiencing me as a more pleasant servant to our family. I have just been enjoying my family more. The two go together, apparently.

This way of being of vulnerability and openness to the gift of each person in front of you and real meaningful connection with real people is revolutionary. Make no mistake about it. It is counter-cultural both to the media onslaught of disembodied voices clamoring for our attention and to the value system that gives more weight to positions and titles than hearty souls. But it is BETTER. There is a richness of life in it that your soul needs. It is slower, less contentious, more restful, less frenzied, deeper, fuller, richer.

I highly recommend this way of horizontal living. I think you will enjoy it. BTW, I hope you also enjoyed these smiling faces of beautiful humans as much as I did 🙂

Copyright 2025, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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Reflections On Christian Leadership With Henri Nouwen Part 2

To start my second instalment of this blog, here is the quote from In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership by Henri Nouwen that resonated with me:

“Somehow we have come to believe that good leadership requires a safe distance from those we are called to lead. Medicine, psychiatry, and social work all offer us models in which “service” takes place in a one-way direction. Someone serves, someone else is served, and be sure not to mix up the roles! But how can we lay down our life for those with whom we are not even allowed to enter into a deep personal relationship? Laying down your life means making your own faith and doubt, hope and despair, joy and sadness, courage and fear available to others as ways of getting in touch with the Lord of life. We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers, we are not the givers of life. We are sinful, broken, vulnerable people who need as much care as anyone we care for. The mystery of ministry is that we have been chosen to make our own limited and very conditional love the gateway for the unlimited and unconditional love of God. Therefore true ministry must be mutual.

Oh, how I feel these words in my bones! In my area of interest, discipleship, I have become totally disinterested in preaching, teaching, and ministry that is devoid of the minister vulnerably opening his/her soul to his/her brothers and sisters. I have little interest in your expositions on Moses or Elijah or Paul, but I am keenly interested in how these Biblical examples intersect with the outworking of your personal salvation. I am not interested in what you read. I am interested in what you are living. It has almost become an obsession of mine – a search for a people on fire for God who are willing to live in mutuality and vulnerability.

I have generally found that the discipleship model in the church is a teacher-student/s or mentor-mentee/s relationship where the teacher or mentor is the expert who takes the student/s under his/her wing. All of the learning is assumed to be one-way. The student bares all the intimate details of her soul, while the teacher gives wise advice and remains closed and inaccessible.

What did Jesus say? He called His disciples friends on account of the fact that He wanted a more mutual relationship – one where He shared His plans with them (John 15:15). Jesus even invited three of His disciples to be with Him in His moment of deepest travail in the garden of Gethsemane.

I am thirsty for a space where disciples gather together to seek Jesus in heart-to-heart community. Where the numbers are small, the sharing is deep, and nobody is trying to fix me, save me, or heal me. I long to get together with a small group of individuals who are on fire for Jesus, hungry to seek Him with all their heart… but who are also hungry to be knit heart-to-heart with their brothers and sisters.

My wife and I have embarked on a bold experiment to create spaces such as these. This is what shapes the way we do our workshops and, more recently, what birthed our discipleship groups. It was first a desire that we had for community for ourselves before it was a desire to provide community for others. We get as much, or more, from our workshops as we give.

All true ministry is mutual. All true ministry comes from a relationship with our fellow man that, at the deepest level, recognizes the other as of equal value. We are all students, and there is one Teacher. We are all in the same boat. The minute we see ourselves as higher than the other is the minute we step out of the heart of Christ, who emptied Himself of the glory of heaven and became a man like us in order to save us. Who came down to our level and lifted us up with Him. Who took the lower position of a servant to mankind as the path to ministry and influence.

Copyright 2025, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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Training Versus Trying Part 5 – Community

Welcome to the last instalment of our Training Versus Trying series! Today we are talking about Community.

A training approach recognizes that as spiritual athletes, we grow fastest when we train with others. However, it is a particular type of community that we need to grow. One that is not very common. When we think of community in a church setting, we normally think of the brothers and sisters with whom we attend church or maybe those who are a part of a ministry that we serve in.

However, the type of community that I am talking about is a training community – a small circle of people with whom we share our inner lives. It is a community committed to walking together in pursuit of God without trying to fix, or save, or advise each other. Often, as Christians, we try to force our training regimen on everyone else without honoring the unique person that they are and the unique work that God is doing in their lives.

This is something I have with very few people. Most Christians, in my experience, do not have deep conversations about the things that matter, or if they do, it is in the context of giving advice or holding each other accountable. Some even think it is their job to condemn and shame. However, what I have found is that what most people need is actually just a safe space to talk about the deep inner things that truly matter without being judged, reproached, corrected, or Bible-verse-slapped. In a supportive and safe environment such as this, there exists the ideal conditions for God to speak. Or to stick with our analogy, for God to coach us as a group.

I’m not saying that God cannot use another person to correct us or to give us feedback where we may have a blind spot. He does use people in our lives like that. I’m saying that in a training community, that is a small part of why we get together, and it is accomplished more indirectly through vulnerable sharing, asking each other probing questions, and discerning God’s voice together.

In a community of Christians-in-training there is safety and freedom to talk about what new training techniques we are trying, what is not working, and what we are working through with our Coach. In that kind of community, we are celebrated, encouraged, inspired, and supported. In that kind of community, we can give a voice to our soul and hear the heart of others in ways that bring redemption, healing, and transformation.

Well, we have come to the end of this little series. I hope it has been helpful to you.

Train well, my fellow disciples of Christ!

Copyright 2025, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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ONLINE WORKSHOP: CONNECTION – BUILDING RELATIONAL MUSCLE

DATE:

Tuesdays from 2nd April to 4th June 2024

TIME:

7:30 pm – 9:30 pm AST

VENUE:

Online Zoom Event (Cameras On)

DESCRIPTION:

As a participant, you will be taken on a 10-week journey that explores the mechanics of how to transition from a place of disconnection to meaningful, and satisfying connection with others. We examine issues such as identity, self-worth, and vulnerability. We also tackle the challenges of staying connected with people with different values from us and how to do conflict well. And much more! We will explore kingdom relational principles and partner with Holy Spirit to discover hidden barriers that may be keeping us from having the kind of relationships God wants us to have. Participants will realize a marked improvement in their ability to partner with God in their relationships.

FORMAT:

The focus of this workshop is improving your practical ability to connect with others. Therefore, the sessions have been carefully designed to facilitate tangible growth in your effectiveness in building and maintaining healthy kingdom relationships. To this end, the sessions are camera-on sessions that include theory and practice, all based on sound biblical principles. You will come away with tangible work products and tools that will facilitate your continued growth well into the future. We have deliberately designed this as a series of small group meetings over a period of time to allow for ample personal reflection and meaningful sharing in a safe space of community with others. This methodology has been proven to deliver superior results for our participants.

TARGET AUDIENCE:

This course is for everyone! The content is relevant to every relationship in your life and they say that the biggest determinant of our quality of life is the quality of our relationships. Please note that all faith traditions are warmly welcomed.

FACILITATORS:

Matik Nicholls and Tricia Celestin-Nicholls share a burning passion for Jesus and for empowering people. They live in the beautiful Caribbean twin islands of Trinidad & Tobago with their five children and one granddaughter. Together they lead a small non-denominational faith community.

What they share in this workshop is largely based on their journey toward having a better marriage, and having better relationships with their children, parents, siblings, co-workers and brothers and sisters in Christ. A journey that involved facing their trauma and dysfunction, pursuing healing, getting professional help, and learning the relational skills that they were missing.

In addition, Tricia is a certified coach with the International Coaching Association and is trained in Story Informed Trauma Therapy and Trauma Counselling.

COST:

$30 USD or $200 TT

Note: If you feel that God is leading you to take this course but you cannot afford this price, please reach out to us.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

PAYMENT INSTRUCTIONS:

To do a direct bank transfer use the following information:

Name: Matik Nicholls

Bank Name: Republic Bank Limited

Account No.: 260086069031

Account Type: Savings

Swift Code (international transfers): RBNKTTPX

For more info on international direct transfers click here. When the transfer is completed, please email the receipt or a screenshot to matik.nicholls@authenticjoy.org together with your name.

To pay via credit card click Add to cart below:

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What I learned in 2023

I turned 50 in 2023! That brought a mixed bag of goodies and booby prizes.

Emotionally and mentally 2023 felt like my healthiest year ever! No exaggeration. A decade of steady self-work coupled with 4 years of work that my wife and I put into our marriage began to bear massive fruit last year. Covid was an accelerator in that it afforded me unforeseen levels of quality time with God that boosted my relationship with Him 10fold. It also accelerated (forced) the bonding between me, wifey, and our children as we spent months together working and learning from home. While I am saying that Covid helped and we put in the work, I cannot overstate the fact that God was the heavy-lifter here. Only He could do the amazing things in the hearts of our family members that caused us to knit together and only He could use a pandemic for our good! Mind you, it did not feel so rosy when these two families from St. Joseph and Paramin first moved in together! It was pressure but in 2023 the diamonds began to emerge.

Added to that, after being in one department for the past 18 years, a switch to a new area in late 2022, brought a breath of fresh air into my career as well. So with my wife and I being in a good place, the children excelling, the career taking on renewed life, and being involved in the fulfilling work with my wife of creating communities of love and belonging for Christians to grow, 2023 just felt like I was thriving.

While it’s nice to share celebratory reports, that’s not the main purpose of today’s blog. There were two key lessons that I learned in 2023 that I felt led to share with you.

Physical Health

2023 was my worst year ever for my physical health! Here the pandemic was not helpful at all! In 2023 I felt feeble (there I said it). Weight gained during the lockdown seemed to refuse to come off. In fact, I gained more! Injuries seemed to be taking forever to heal and for the first time, I considered that I may never be able to play football (soccer) or surf again. I had a fatty liver, high cholesterol, some kind of mystery dizziness, and shortness of breath. Things just seemed to be going from bad to worse. “Is this 50?” I asked myself.

BUT I discovered something coming down to the end…. I will never lose weight or stay fit doing activities that I do not like to do. I tried for the whole of 2023 to stay fit by walking and home workouts. I can get more out of group workouts but inevitably people workout to music that I don’t want in my head. So that’s a no-go. But last month I played football for the second time since before Covid and while I almost died, by the next day I literally felt my whole body become stronger. Overnight! Then I played again twice last week and the dizziness and shortness of breath are gone. So what I realized is that I need to do intense cardio activities and that’s only going to happen by doing things I love to do.

So in 2024, I will be making time for football and mountain biking. I realize that it is imperative that I have intense cardio workouts. Walking and home workouts are not enough for me to stay fit. I will be prioritizing this over work and ministry.

Folks, I know we always talk about prioritizing our health but I’m encouraging you again, especially my fellow pastors and professionals, the work is not more important… the seminar, church service, or feeding the poor programme is not more important. Also, take the time to know your own body and what works for you. Do what you love, it’s far more sustainable!

Relationships

God had me focusing on relationship-building for all of 2023. Mainly with my close and extended family and I learned something invaluable: God’s grace flows through our connections with people. The word that was the icon of what God was after in my life was CONNECTION.

It involved me having discussions with my mother about things that happened in the family when I was a child and not dismissing her perspectives so quickly. It involved me apologizing to my boss about the way I gave him some feedback, taking the time to explain my heart’s motive, and assuring him that I was for him not against him. It involved me building bridges with coworkers by genuinely finding and celebrating their strengths and offering tangible assistance in achieving their goals. It involved trying to understand my sister better and building bridges instead of taking offense. It involved being quicker to remove any distance between my wife and me. It involved taking a softer tone with my ex-wife. It involved walking in my children’s shoes a little more.

The result was that I saw God’s grace at work in my family and workplace more than ever. It crystallized something very clearly for me. God is not doing something over here and we are doing relationships over there. The vehicle for God’s grace to flow is the love connections between each other. The stronger the connection, the more of God’s grace can flow in our lives. If I want to see revival in my family, I have to build stronger bonds with my family members. If I want to see revival in my workplace, I have to build deeper relationships with my coworkers.

There is a depth of relationship with each other, a purity of love and affection, that God has intended for us that I do not think we fully grasp as Christians. I don’t think we have any grid for just how amazing and glorious it will look to live in unity. Nor do we understand just how much work it will take to get there. I am fully convinced that God is not interested in our programmes, seminars, conferences, and meetings apart from a foundation of building deeper relationships. So this year less is more. I’m cutting back even further on the ‘conversations’ that are just empty intellectual foreplay without any heart communion. I’m ditching even more of the online groups and social media where people share a whole lot of opinions and so little of themselves. I’m going deeper with fewer.

Here’s an added epiphany that I had: God does not need my help to fix people. I saw two people in my life begin to change and address things that I saw they needed to address for years. I dropped hints, I gave gentle advice, I shared relevant information and I obsessed about whether I was doing enough. But in His own timing, God showed them what they needed to see. Neither said that I had any role in their epiphanies. God was doing something in their lives. I laughed at myself. God doesn’t need my help. Well, I’m sure He uses my love and my prayers but beyond that…

So my second encouragement to you is to prioritize a few significant relationships this year and really work on them. Don’t try to be a better person in a general sense. Try to be a better mother to a specific child, a better friend to X, a better husband to your wife… But most importantly, do it from the point of view of just trying to build a stronger connection between you and them. Seek to understand them better and help them to understand you. Seek to provide any support you can to their growth and success (as they define it, not you) without expecting anything in return. Petition God for blessings on their life in your private prayer time. Love them.

Happy New Year!

Copyright 2024, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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We Only Have One Heart

If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?

1 John 4:20 (NLT)

I want to draw your attention to one little word in this verse. The word can. Can is not about the will or the choice to do something. Can is about the ability to do something. The word in Greek means to be able to or to have the power or capability to. And if this is the case then what this verse is saying is that if we do not practice loving our fellow believers then we will not have the capability to love God and that is profound!

Often we think, and I have thought at one point, that we can live in isolation in a ‘just me and God’ sort of reality. And by isolation, I don’t mean that we necessarily become a hermit but just that we withhold our hearts from everyone or at least most people. We think we can hold everyone at a distance but be intimate with God. This verse is saying that that is a delusion. The same relational muscles that we must build to be vulnerable with others and to connect across the things that divide us (race, theology, personality, class, education) are the same muscles needed to connect to an invisible God.

I did not come about this understanding by studying 1 John. That is rarely how God teaches me. It was revealed to me in my daily struggles as I processed life with God. Since I married the one and only Tricia Celestin-Nicholls I have been working on trying to remain relational and connected with her through life’s ups and downs. As with all of us, I have suffered my fair share of trauma and I have learned coping mechanisms to keep myself safe. My go-to is shutting down, meaning that I become emotionally numb and withdraw into my own inner world. There are any number of triggers that can cause me to shut down but any form of criticism or vexation pointed in my direction is top of the list. I can also shut down if I am under a lot of emotional stress. And when I shut down it’s with everybody not just the person who may have triggered it. So you see how my poor wife may suffer the brunt of my disconnection even if she didn’t cause it.

So, I’ve been working on remaining open and relational even when I am stressed or feel hurt or threatened. To tell you the truth, it seems like every time I heal one layer there’s a deeper layer that God reveals that needs a deeper healing. The word trauma means soul-wound according to Gabor Mate. In order for me to love my wife better, Jesus needs to heal my soul. This doesn’t just affect my wife of course. It means that I can love everyone better. My kids. My parents. My sister. My friends. My co-workers. My church group. My neighbours. Everyone.

But back to the opening verse, do you see that it also means that I can love God better? What I discovered that led me to this verse is that as I healed, I was able to stay connected to Holy Spirit better. I hid less when I sinned. I was able to hear Holy Spirit better even when I was stressed. I was better able to leave my heart open to receive the love that I so desperately needed and God so desperately wanted to pour on me.

God showed me that I only have one heart. The same heart that loves my wife is the same heart that loves Him. Wholeheartedness is not an option. Healing is not an option. If we are to obey the greatest commandment to love God with all our hearts then we must work on our relationships. It is in that pursuit that traumas are unearthed, wounds healed and hearts made whole.

Working on loving others is working on loving God because you’ve only got one heart!

Copyright 2023, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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The Role of Spiritual Grandparents

I would not be who I am today without my grandparents. My parents were not rich and had to prioritize how they spent their finite income. When I needed braces my Grampa stepped in to assist. When I wanted to go to university, he stepped in again to pay tuition for my first year.

My grandparents also provided a different kind of input… At a time in their lives when my parents were busy trying to make ends meet and dealing with their own personal struggles, my grandparents were at a stage in their lives to just be present with us. My sister and I went by them every weekend and every school vacation.

On some vacations, we went to camp and stayed with our great aunt. We would wake up every morning to Aunty Lu making us breakfast while singing hymns. We loved it when she made us cake because we got to lick the bowl. Yum! And when I was learning to make breakfast for myself, she never made a fuss when I repeatedly made a mess trying to figure out how to crack open eggs.

Granny lived for every single detail of what was happening in our lives. She was my steadfast cheerleader. She let me know that I was valued and cherished at some of the lowest points in my life. I have never spoken of this but in her last days here on earth I went to visit her and, as she struggled through waves of pain, she said, “Thank you Matik.”

I was taken aback. “For what?” I asked.

“For being you.”

That was my Granny.

I believe that when one reaches a certain age, the experiences of life bring a certain clarity – an appreciation of what is important. And, if one has been a good student of life, it also brings the relational and emotional tools to become a better agent of love. I have often heard people say that the grandparents that their children experience are nothing like how they experienced the same people as parents. There is some truth to this and in a sense, that’s how it should be. That’s why we need grandparents. I see my parents being these agents of love to my sister and me and our children.

This is also true of spiritual grandparents. The older generation in our church communities is a vital component. I firmly believe that little old ladies are the pillars of the church. I love to spend time with them! Spiritual grandparents teach us how to love steadfastly, how to pray without ceasing, how to live in perpetual hope, and how to rise above the pettiness that sometimes consumes the younger generations.

Sadly, many of us do not understand the role of spiritual grandparents and their gift is left unopened, languishing on the pews and stranded on the pulpit.

There are two main deceptions that cause this. The first is that we tend to value people based on gifting instead of maturity. We want to receive from those who seem great – the charismatic preacher, the prophet who unveils great mysteries, the evangelist who draws thousands to Christ, the teacher who knows all the Hebrew and Greek words, the reverend bishop apostle who has millions of followers and hundreds of books… These are our heroes – the ones we seek – the ones we emulate. What we fail to realize is that a greatly gifted person is not necessarily a very mature person. A mature person is full of the fruit of the Spirit – love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, gentleness, faith, goodness, and self-control.

Mature people – spiritual grandparents – are indispensable for the health of the Body of Christ. Spending one hour with a mature person who is full of the fruit of the Spirit is far more profitable than spending months with a noisy gong (1 Co 13:1-3). When we don’t value our spiritual grandparents, they become mere ornaments in our community, and we are robbed of their treasure. New believers should always be part of smaller groups that do life with older mature Christians so that the generations build upon one another instead of starting over from scratch again and again.

The second deception is when the grandparents themselves don’t understand their role and still try to be parents. Spiritual grandparents function the same as natural grandparents; they are agents of love that come alongside parents in a supportive role to fill in missing gaps and to lovingly show their grandchildren (immature Christians) how to live like Christ. Their love is quiet and behind the scenes, but it is powerfully transformative. It is tragic when a leader doesn’t know when to transition from frontstage to backstage. All leaders need to know when it is time to let the next generation take the reins and move into a supportive role. To move from parent to grandparent requires a switch from the busyness of pioneering the move of God to a slower more relational way of being with others. Grandparents are the heart of the community. Grandparents understand that an intimate heart-to-heart with one person over a cup of coffee is just as important as a sermon to thousands.

Sending my love to all the natural and spiritual grandparents in my life.

Copyright 2022, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

Spiritual Formation 201 is starting in January!

If you are hungry for a deeper walk with God and like-minded believers to walk alongside you in loving community for a season then why not join us?!

For more information and to register click here: https://authenticjoy.org/online-workshop-spiritual-formation-201/

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An Emotional Christian?

God has been speaking to my wife, Tricia, and me for months now about our emotional wholeness. The picture that I had in my head of a mature Christian is a stoic guy, resolutely following God and not being swayed or distracted by his emotions.  Moreover, he always has his ‘negative’ emotions under control. He never shows anger. He is never fearful, and he’s definitely never depressed. But I’ve been asking myself, “Is this picture an accurate one?”

To begin with, the bible captures God displaying a variety of emotions. Here’s a small sample:

Genesis 6:6 (ESV)

And the Lord regretted that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart.

Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV)

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Matthew 14:14 (ESV)

When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick.

John 11:35 (ESV)

Jesus wept.

Hmmm God seems so… emotional. Doesn’t that reconfigure your framework for how we, human beings created in His image, are supposed to function? God created our emotions. In fact, on the sixth day, God looked at all that He had made (including mankind, fresh from the dirt, with emotions and all) and said that it was very good!

As I mentioned, Tricia and I seem to be in an emotional masterclass at the moment. My knowledge gap is huge, but I’ve been learning.  After attending emotional intelligence training and a LOT of reading, I thought I would share some of what we’ve learned.

First of all, emotions serve a purpose. Emotions are messages. We can choose to process the messages and act on the information, or we can choose to ignore them at our own peril. It’s analogous to sensory information that goes from our senses to our brain. If we push a pin into our skin, our brain gets a pain message that tells us that if we continue pushing that pin, we will be injured. If we are touched affectionately, our brain gets a pleasure message that tells us that this is good for us. Similarly, fear, for example, protects us from danger even before it gets close enough to harm us. If we ignored our fear emotion, we would soon be dead. The interesting thing is that emotions make no distinction between physical dangers/pleasures and things that threaten or benefit our soul. The pain of loneliness can be as strong as a physical pain. It is a warning that we are too isolated from others and damaging our soul. While the joy of seeing a friend encourages us to socialize and connect with others which increases the well-being of our soul.

Secondly, every emotion is an opportunity for self-discovery or connection (or both). The message contains information about what really matters to us. The messages tell us about our heart and processing those messages with God and those close to us creates intimacy because sharing our heart is one of the most relationship-building things we can do. Here’s an example: Tasha comes home after a really stressful day at work. She is looking forward to spending time with her husband, Rico. However, she gets home to a note that says that Rico has gone golfing. She is disappointed. When Rico does get home, he notices that Tasha is a bit cold and begins to get angry assuming that Tasha is angry because he went golfing. This is the moment of opportunity. Any married couple knows that this could easily lead to a bitter argument and disconnection if both Rico and Tasha ignore ‘the signals’ that their emotions are sending them. Let’s assume they get it right: Rico processes his anger and realizes that he is jumping to conclusions and asks Tasha if anything is wrong. Tasha processes her disappointment and tells Rico how much she needed his love and comfort and her disappointment on realizing that he was not home in such an impersonal way. Rico responds by moving closer to her and empathizing with her pain. He apologizes for not calling instead of leaving a note and suggests a movie in bed. The couple ends the night with their relationship significantly strengthened because Tasha allowed Rico to see how much he means to her and Rico reciprocated his value for her by being tender with her vulnerability and prioritizing her needs. (If only I was as emotionally intelligent as Rico!)

Emotions have gotten a bad rep in the modern Christian life. We are so concerned about not being controlled by our emotions that we have completely ignored a necessary aspect of what it means to be a healthy and Godly human. While it is true that emotions should not control us, we are not meant to be left-brained, rational machines. By sheer neglect of our souls, we have become half-hearted creatures trying to love God and people with our minds and a seriously malnourished heart. Not to mention we foolishly think we can love through an act of our will only.

Consider our fictitious couple again. Suppose Rico did everything the same except his face never reflected the pain that Tasha felt. His eyes were cold and his suggestion to watch a movie seemed to be made begrudgingly. He did and said all the right things, but his emotions were not in it. Do you think that would affect the outcome? You bet it would! Love is both will AND emotion. Our love of God and others cannot be decision and duty only. It must also be fully experienced and deeply felt. We have been trying to build relationships with God, marriages, families, and communities of love based on a rational approach that neglects the emotional attributes of our beings. It has not been working.

By neglecting my emotional signals, I have been neglecting my heart. I am dysfunctional (but not uncommon). I am not loving God with my whole heart, my whole mind, and my whole soul and neither am I loving others as God loves me. God pursues me with a jealous love! His love for me is ferocious! Mine is not nearly as hot. I have learned a pattern of behaviour that is not according to design. I have learned to suppress my ‘negative’ emotions and to avoid the vulnerability of intimacy. I have learned to neglect my heart. The process of unlearning is slow and difficult, but Tricia and I are committed to it because we were made to live wholeheartedly! To live passionately! We all are!

Copyright 2021, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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A Mile in My Shoes

Being a man is not as glamourous or as easy as some women (and men) would make it out to be. We just don’t talk about it. And that’s the problem. The media is littered with the struggles women face in the workplace and in the family but there is a noticeable void when it comes to the challenges unique to the male gender. This in and of itself is one of the biggest challenges men face. We believe manliness includes the projection of strength at all times. This is one of the great issues of our time. It is destroying families, churches, corporations and countries. Men will not be vulnerable, show weakness, seek help or admit failure until they are forced to do so by a catastrophic crash.

I am particularly passionate about this culture of machismo and bravado in the church world because I see the wake of destruction it is causing. I am sure that almost every moral failure of every religious leader could be traced back to a point where the problem was still in its infancy but there was no space in the culture to be open about their problems. To admit that ‘we all sin’ is the biggest sin. It would mean being shamed, judged and demoted. Leaders must be infallible. The enemy, ably assisted by bible-thumping ‘perfect’ pastors worldwide, has used this culture to keep men of God in a morass of moral stagnancy for decades. True transformation begins with the space to ‘confess’ failure safely and receive help not condemnation. *Exhale* I digress..

So, I thought that in this blog I would give some insight into some of my personal struggles as a way of giving some insight into the male psyche and taking a small stand against this destructive definition of masculinity. I was actually grappling with these thoughts (by myself of course) amid the normal daily chaos of family life when I came across a podcast by my cousin and his friends titled Toxic Masculinity. That podcast inspired me to share my story.

I consider myself the leader of my family. I know this is, perhaps, a traditional view of the family structure, but I believe it is still a widely held belief (although most might not admit to it outright). Certainly, it is a common belief in the Judeo-Christian world. I start here because it sets the context for most men of the psychological pressures that we face as husbands and fathers. This has less to do with power and much more to do with responsibility. I abhor submission doctrines that are really tantamount to domination doctrines. I view my wife as co-leader of our family, but I still feel a great responsibly to provide for and protect my family. It’s just how I am wired and how many men I talk to are wired. This is not just in a financial and physical sense but also in an emotional sense. I want my wife and children to feel loved and I want them to be happy and I feel a great sense of responsibility to provide an environment that makes that happen.

As a disciple of Christ, I understand that the best thing I can do for my family is to follow God wholeheartedly. I know that if I align myself and my family with His will everything will be optimal. However, the problem I face is this – who determines what is God’s will? Do I? Does my wife? The children? We all believe we know the right way and often we are not in agreement. This is exacerbated in a blended family like mine.

In a blended family there are two sets of adults and children with distinct and unique cultures and traditions coming together to live in one house. Conflict is inevitable and inevitably each parent feels like the one caught in the middle. For me, on one hand, my wife wants my support in enforcing things the way she believes they should be done and if I don’t it makes her look like the evil stepmother. On the other hand, my children want things to remain as they were before and if I take her ‘side’ it’s evidence that I love her more than them and everything is now about her. This is the tightrope I have to walk every day and it is TOUGH.

Constantly, I find myself in the middle trying to make everyone see things from the other’s point of view. This scenario is not just between my wife and my children. It’s between her biological children and my biological children. It’s my children’s mother who has concerns about what’s affecting her children in my house. Its grandparents who have their own views of how we are bringing up the children. In each case, I am trying not to just brush them off but to actively listen, to hear the heart behind the words and ultimately to have a response that is filled with the wisdom and compassion of God and that reconciles and not divides.

If I did not care what God thought, it would be easy! I could just ignore everyone. “You can’t let your children run your home!” the parental pundits say. (Far less listen to your ex-wife’s concerns). But that’s not an option for me because my God teaches humility and compassion and to value EVERYONE. Many (if not all) Christian counselors say that husbands should put their wives first and children second, but I cannot subscribe to that in a blended context. Children in a blended family desperately need to know that they haven’t suddenly become second-rate citizens.

So, I find myself many times pleasing no one and everyone feeling that I favour the others. This is the defining feeling of being a man for me. The feeling that there is no one emotionally supporting me. I have to be the voice of reason, the inspirer, the pray-er, the optimist, the visionary, the reminder of God’s promises, the bigger person and reconciler to everyone and expect no empathy for my role. Often, I feel emotionally blackmailed into a decision and when it backfires, I beat myself up for listening to my wife or my children instead of doing what I felt was right.

But this is not THE truth. In a sense, it’s a prison of my own making because I am actually surrounded by supportive people! The truth is that my wife is my #1 cheerleader and support. In fact, she could be having the worst day but if she knows that I am struggling she immediately switches to full on support mode. I also have children (some more than others) that say, “Thank you dad for all you do for me.” Honestly, there has not been a moment in my life when I’ve had more support than right now. Yet, I still often feel overwhelmed because I still feel that it’s my job to be the strong one for them.

More recently, God has been teaching me to give my burdens to Him. I’ve always known this in theory… I could say the prayer, “Lord I give my burdens to You” but now more than ever I am learning how to practice this exchange of my anxiety, frustration and fatigue for His security, love and refreshing in tender moments of intimacy with Him each morning. It’s a beautiful place.

Well that’s my story. I would love to hear what being a man feels like for you.

Copyright 2021, Matik Nicholls.
All rights reserved.

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You Are Loved

Today I have a message for you…

You are treasured.

You are valued.

You are loved.

It doesn’t matter what you’ve done.

It doesn’t matter what you haven’t done.

You are precious.

Wherever you come from.

Whatever circumstances you are in.

Jesus gave His life for you.

RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT NOW.

AS YOU ARE.

UNCONDITIONALLY.

UNRESERVEDLY.

YOU ARE LOVED.

Copyright 2020, Matik Nicholls.
All rights reserved.

To receive more content like this in your inbox and to receive a free e-copy of my book, The Primacy of The Voice of God – Elevating the Word of God to Its Rightful Position, please subscribe to www.authenticjoy.org.