The Marshmallow Test Started In Trinidad?

Eager to get going on my goal to be more disciplined in 2018, today I started a new audiobook; The Marshmallow Test: Mastering Self-Control by Walter Mischel. I was completely taken by surprise by what I heard in chapter 6… Let me say upfront that I was in two minds about sharing this given the sometimes volatile racial tension in Trinidad but in the end the opportunity for learning from the objective scientific insights of a foreigner far outweighed the risks. Here are excerpts of what Walter Mischel had to say:

“The marshmallow experiment allowed us to see how children managed to delay and resist temptation, and how differences in this ability play out over a lifetime. But what about the choice itself? I started to ask that question while I was a graduate student at Ohio State University, well before I joined the Stanford faculty. I spent one summer living near a small village in the southern tip of Trinidad.

The inhabitants in this part of the island were of either African or East Indian descent, their ancestors having arrived as either slaves or indentured servants. Each group lived peacefully in its own enclave, on different sides of the same long dirt road that divided their homes.… I discovered a recurrent theme in how they characterized each other. According to the East Indians, the Africans were just pleasure-bent, impulsive, and eager to have a good time and live in the moment, while never planning or thinking ahead about the future. The Africans saw their East Indian neighbors as always working and slaving for the future, stuffing their money under the mattress without ever enjoying life”

“To check if the perceptions about the differences between the ethnic groups were accurate, I walked down the long dirt road to the local school, which was attended by children from both groups.” “I tested boys and girls between the ages of 11 and 14. I asked the children who lived in their home, gauged their trust that promises made would be promises kept, and assessed their achievement motivation, social responsibility, and intelligence. At the end of each of these sessions, I gave them choices between little treats: either one tiny chocolate that they could have immediately or a much bigger one that they could get the following week”

“The young adolescents in Trinidad who most frequently chose the immediate smaller rewards, in contrast to those who chose the delayed larger ones, were more often in trouble and, in the language of the time, judged to be “juvenile delinquents.” Consistently, they were seen as less socially responsible, and they had often already had serious issues with authorities and the police. They also scored much lower on a standard test of achievement motivation and showed less ambition in the goals they had for themselves for the future.

Consistent with the stereotypes I heard from their parents, the African Trinidadian kids generally preferred the immediate rewards, and those from East Indian families chose the delayed ones much more often. But surely there was more to the story. Perhaps those who came from homes with absent fathers—a common occurrence at that time in the African families in Trinidad, while very rare for the East Indians—had fewer experiences with men who kept their promises. If so, they would have less trust that the stranger—me—would ever really show up later with the promised delayed reward. There’s no good reason for anyone to forgo the “now” unless there is trust that the “later” will materialize. In fact, when I compared the two ethnic groups by looking only at children who had a man living in the household, the differences between the groups disappeared.”

Given that this was around 1956, can you imagine the cycle of absentee fathers and instant gratification that has led over 60 years later to the current social crisis in Trinidad & Tobago!?! Myers goes on to talk about experiments in Boston that showed that 12 years olds with less ability to delay gratification were far more likely to cheat to get something that they want. The correlation to our current crime culture is clear. Why work to get anything? There is no trust that society will give me any rewards for hard work and why wait anyway when I can rob somebody (equally applied to a petty thief or corrupt government official) and get what I want now?!

For me this was a poignant pointer to the root of the problem. We can continue to rail against the failed political leaders/parties or police service from now until whenever but until and unless we face the failed leadership in our homes and our communities and our churches/mosques/temples, we will be hacking away at the branches leaving the roots of crime untouched.

In 2018 let’s point the finger at ourselves and make a commitment to make a difference. As a predominantly African male with three children, I’m starting with me.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls.

Living On Purpose – Goodbye 2017, Hello 2018

2017 is almost done. For me, that means it’s time to begin plotting how to make 2018 a joyful success! But first, I like to take time to reflect on the year gone. Did I achieve my goals? What were the major themes? What did I learn? How have I grown? What do I need to improve? Who helped make my year memorable?

First, I looked back at my 2017 goals and celebrated the wins and noted where I fell short. Then I went through my journal and walked through some of the major themes of the year, reliving the ebb and flow of the thoughts in my head during 2017.

Then I began to look at my life in pictures over the last year. If you are a photos/visual person like me I highly recommend this as a great way to celebrate the end of another year. You hardly ever take photos of your depressed times or worst moments, so it really focuses you on the positive things in your life, what’s important and what you have to be thankful for and most importantly who you have to be thankful for. Undoubtedly, who you spent 2017 with matters more than what you did. I actually took the best 150 photos or so and made a slideshow video with Google Photos. I’ve been watching it over and over and getting the warm fuzzies inside every time.

All considered, I would have to say that I made significant progress in 2017. I achieved some of my major goals, like taking my mummy on a trip 😊. I fell short in others (I definitely did not get enough rest in 2017 ☹). And then there were the things I did not plan to achieve but did, like starting this blog! God certainly had some surprises up His sleeve this year and I loved it! 2017 was definitely a year of growth and key to that was the people I connected with in 2017 and the relationships I invested in.

But a good year doesn’t just happen. I had a plan not only for what I wanted to achieve but also who I wanted to become. Every year I set goals for the following year and revisit them regularly. I use a planner called Action Daily which has a goal setting exercise in the front and then arranged with weekly goals and tasks for each week of the year. I completed my 2018 goal plan yesterday.

I have it arranged in four categories:

  1. Spiritual
  2. Physical
  3. Relationships
  4. Vocational (which is everything else – work, business, education, church ministry)

If you want your life to be significant, you must be intentional. Otherwise, you will have a default life, adrift on the river of time. You have to be intentional about everything; how you will develop yourself, how you will work on that weak spot in your character, which relationships you will invest in, how you will achieve that big dream that you have.

A joyful life does not just happen, it is designed. You must have a strong, passionate WHY for each of your goals. Why is this important to you? Why do you want to achieve it? Motivation to achieve anything comes from passion. If your goals are not aligned with your deepest desires, you will not achieve it. If you do not make a plan to follow your passions, you also will not achieve it. You need passion AND planning. I have one why for all my goals – to fulfil my purpose on this earth and glorify Jesus Christ.

What’s your passion? What’s your plan? Write it down and begin designing the life of your dreams! May 2018 be a year of unprecedented progress in the making of your authentically joyful life!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

Joy To The World

As a child, every year I would eagerly anticipate opening my presents and the euphoria I would feel as I came face to face with the objects of my desire. And every Christmas was the same; anticlimactic. It never lived up to my imagination. I was always left with a dogged emptiness. Every Christmas as night fell I would lie in my bed, half disappointed and half confused, thinking “I should be happier.”

Then one year, I discovered the joy of Christmas. That year I had taken extra care to get or make presents that my family and friends would appreciate. As I watched them open their presents and share Christmas hugs, I finally felt it… the Joy of Christmas. It truly is better, much better, to give than to receive.

I like to imagine what the first Christmas must have been like when the Father lovingly and joyfully gave His only begotten Son to mankind. How He must have been beaming in heaven when the shepherds and wise men first laid eyes on The Present. What a Gift! What a Giver!

Merry Christmas everyone and as you share treasured moments with friends and family may your joy be full!

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

True Strength

First of all, I just want to announce that I’ve moved the Authentic Joy blog to its own Facebook page. So for those of you that use Facebook to stay connected, please like the page and share and comment. I would love to hear from you! 🙂

Launching this blog in October and connecting with you all over these past months has been a blast. Thank you all for your support! Feedback that I have often received is that my willingness to be so open is appreciated, so I thought I would talk a little more about that this week.

Strength, especially masculine strength, too often has been portrayed as having a veneer of invincibility and success. To quote my cousin’s Facebook post: “Men are so obsessed with acting strong and not showing and weakness or emotion, the exact opposite happens. Everyone has feelings. It’s ok to acknowledge and deal with them.”

We are caught in the gravitational pull of the image of invulnerability as a laudable quality. But if we can break out of this futile orbit to nowhere, the stars await! Because invulnerability is not the truth; it’s not real. If we can let go of the image of strength, we can begin to actually develop true strength. Many leaders still feel that there are things they MUST NEVER show at all costs. Things like weakness, discouragement, failure, disappointment, fear and being wrong. I’ve seen this with businessmen and I’ve seen it with pastors.

This charade has two important ramifications:

  1. Leaders rarely get the help they need. Every church scandal can be traced back to a leader who was too ashamed of his struggles with sin to let people know. And how many business initiatives have failed because somebody could not admit that they were wrong or that they did not have the answer?
  2. Followers are not engaged with leaders in a growth process. To begin with, nobody is inspired by inauthentic leadership. We know when someone is selling us a load of crap disguised as sunshine. Secondly, nobody grows; not the leader and not the followers who typically mimic the leader to survive. You cannot develop courage in the face of fear or failure without acknowledging the fear or failure.

The great news is that the charade is being exposed! Brené Brown is at the forefront of a movement to recognize the power of vulnerability! It should not go unnoticed that this message comes from a woman and the lessons we can learn about the value of the female voice in leading much needed change at all levels in our fairly paternalistic society. She says, “I believe that vulnerability – the willingness to be “all in” even when you know it can mean failing and hurting – is brave. I do NOT believe that cussing and praying are mutually exclusive.” You can read more about her message here: https://brenebrown.com

The fact is that real strength, real courage, is showing your weakness; being vulnerable in the face of challenges.

This is, in effect the story of Christmas. The hero comes to save the world and enters in the most vulnerable of ways. Jesus doesn’t come as a towering angel or powerful warrior king. He comes as a helpless baby born in a stable to parents who haven’t yet consummated their marriage. Weak and poor at the bottom of society. He understood where real strength lies.

So essentially, what I have been trying to say through this blog is, “It’s ok to talk about mistakes and failure and hurts and fears. It’s ok to be vulnerable. We all face these demons but let’s not do it alone anymore. Let’s help each other and engage each other in a community of growth and support.” I know no better way to do that than by sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of my own story.

We are stronger together!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

Success Is The Enemy Of Growth

I spent half of my life believing that one of the big objectives of life was to be successful and hence to avoid failure at all costs. ‘Getting it right’ and ‘living right’ were big themes particularly at the church I attended. Then I had my first big failure; leaving my first marriage. I am choosing my words very deliberately. I believe both people take responsibility for the success or failure of any relationship but in terms of responsibility for ending the relationship, I have to own the fact that I left my marriage and backed out of my vows.

That led to a period of intense recalibration. I had to face up to who I was and what I really believed. Not what the bible said. Not what my pastor taught. What did I believe and who did I want to be.

I did not know it at the time but that set a foundation for authentic growth. You cannot grow, if you do not recognize a lack, a deficiency. I explored the depths of my own passions and desires and over time the authentic me emerged. From that time in my life onwards, I began to grow at an accelerated pace.

From that nexus came forth so much fruit; humility, a desire to reconnect with my parents, empathy for the moral outcasts of life, an encounter with the boundless merciful love of Christ, understanding of the real gospel of Jesus, freedom from shame, understanding of true companionship, refreshed love for mankind, renewed delight in this physical creation God has blessed us to enjoy… I could go on and on but the point is that it started with failure. As Richard Rohr says, “The way down, is the way up.”

Day by day, it washes over me with renewed poignancy how blessed I am to have experienced failure. Failure opened the door for my inner work because success is the enemy of growth. By growth I don’t mean external accomplishments. I mean inner growth; character formation. Success tells us that who we are is working so we have no need to change. But it can be a deception. I see it all the time in very successful men with rotten characters. If you give them feedback, they immediately point to their track record of success as validation of who they are.

I am extremely thankful because I could have been just like that; a rotten success. Looking back now I know that there were many whispers of feedback that I must have missed until life had to shout to get my attention. Now I have the humility to hear the whispers of feedback in the counsel of my support group or in the reactions of people I interact with (even though I must admit I still sometimes don’t have the humility to act on it).

I can remember last year getting feedback from staff and how it shook me. Even though it was largely positive, the few areas for improvement were areas I was passionate about and that I thought I was outstanding in. Apparently, I was not. I was quite successful as a manager, but the echoes of past hubris reminded me not to be so cocky, so sure of my footing, so set in my beliefs that no other view can penetrate my world. I sat down with a friend and charted a course to work on becoming a better me.

The other beautiful thing about inner growth is that it affects everything else. My failure in marriage caused inner growth that redounded to my professional life and friendships. You bring you wherever you go. A failed business or a failed work project or a failed exam can catalyse inner work that affects your total life.

My dear companions, don’t be fooled by success and don’t be daunted by failure. Listen… listen to the lessons of your life and learn well.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

We Have The Power!

I had a very interesting chat with some co-workers yesterday about how people use their power. We concluded that people had different aspirations with regard to their use of power. Basically, some aspired to use their power for demonstrating their superiority, self-aggrandizement or getting ahead (in other words, to help themselves). While others aspired to use their power to help others.

I was grateful that in my little work group yesterday, having observed those that used their power to serve themselves, we determined never to be in that group. It was a ray of hope that warmed my heart.

We all have power. The only question is how will we use it….

The physically strong have power over the weak. Will we use our power to muscle advantage over the weaker ones? Will we parents dominate and bully our children? How will we care for the elderly? Do we still give up our seats in the waiting room or on the bus?

The rich have power over the poor. How will we use that power? Will we squeeze the most work for the least possible pay? Will we take the largest shareholder dividends possible and treat our employees like resources to be exploited? Will we kill the small businessman to get another 1% market share? Or will we use our money to help others up?

Then there are those of us with positional power. Those invested with power by our organizations, whether it be a business-place, school or church. How we use our position? Will we swoop down and attack our underlings in meetings to enforce who is the boss? Will we grab up all the perks for ourselves? Will we use the pulpit to judge, condemn and shame? Or will we seek to make everybody successful? Will we build people up who are failing?

What about societal power? The influence we are afforded because of our position in society. How do we treat the driver, the waiter, the KFC worker, the cleaner? This is often how I take the measure of a man. How does he treat the lowest rank person? Are we rude and entitled or courteous and kind? How do we treat women? How do we treat minority groups? How do we treat homosexuals? How do we treat that person who is not as well adjusted socially as we are? Are we enforcing our individual superiority or our common humanity?

We all have the power. Let’s use it for good! Let’s spread the joy!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

Authentic You, Authentic Me, Beautiful Us

What first attracted me to coaching was the uncompromising commitment to honouring people’s uniqueness. We each have a unique identity and life experience.

Today I had an online coaching class on diversity and the focus was on how to effectively coach people different to us. We will have clients with different values, cultures and experiences and our job is NOT to use our values and experiences to help them but to trust that they have the best solutions for their own lives. Our job is to help them discover their own path and support them in achieving their goals.

To do that we have to remove all judgment from our minds. For example, if the client says they want to get married at age 20, I have to support that no matter what my experience has been. They are not me and their experience is not mine. This can be very difficult at times, but it is a way of helping people that I’m totally committed to, ironically, because of my experiences.

In Christian circles judgment is in no short supply. I’ve experienced it from within far less for those who do not share the faith. The ability to help people who do not share our personal values and beliefs (in other words people unlike us) is not just a challenge but not even something that is seen as desirable for many Christians. I believe this is something that we need to change. We need to stop trying to change people and start practicing truly unconditional love.

I have a dream. A dream of seeing the kaleidoscope love of God displayed in infinite variety as people are free to be their authentic selves. Authenticity is a big part of my value system, but it is always under attack and I believe that’s probably true for most of us. Even with these blogs I had to set my mind to be me. I knew that I could turn off some (less religious) people with my passion for Christ and I knew that I could turn off some of the more religious folks because my blogs aren’t preachy like a Christian’s blog ‘should be,’ plus I’m not hiding my massive moral flaws. I chose to be me regardless.

Like me, I want people to be fully themselves and I want to help them. I want to curb the inclination to make people more like me. As a friend recently reminded me, I can be judgmental. It’s a work in progress but I’m committed to the process.

So will you do me a favour? Please do you like only you can! Be joyfully, authentically you and light up your world!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

The Art Of Creating A Crisis

Last week I blogged about not stretching myself too thin for Christmas. Well guess what? I didn’t listen to my own advice. I got caught up in a million things from something as seemingly innocuous as setting up a new iPhone (amazing how much time that sucks up!) to trying to get in some more online classes. All this on the back of the pile of year end work deliverables and helping the little ones prepare for exams.I hit the wall hard.

One day I just realized that not only was my body tired from lack of sleep but also my mind and emotions were tired. So that day I decided to have a crisis. I put my foot down (on myself) and put the phone down and got into bed at 9:00pm that night.

The next morning, I took time to feast on the view right outside my bedroom window and instead of playing a podcast or audiobook in the truck I put on my gangster rap and crunked out on the way to work.

As I was reminded in a book on coaching that I’m reading; information is not what makes us act, it’s motivation. That’s often why, although we know what we should do, we only take action when we feel enough pain to motivate us to get off our butts.

But I don’t want to be in that reactive mode. I want to be proactive. I want to act before the pain. I want to take time to renew before I burn out. I want to do those sit-ups before I get the pot belly. So what do I do? I have to envision the consequences of inaction and create a crisis in my head.

That’s what I’m doing when I say, “Good grief, look at the size of my belly!”. To which some might say, “Please Matik!”. That’s what it takes to stay ahead of the curve sometimes. Especially, when the action needed is not something you looove to do.

So, let’s go create a crisis today in order to walk into the future that we want for ourselves tomorrow.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

Look Bacchanal!

In Trinidad and Tobago, the word bacchanal means confusion, argument or scandal. I’ve seen more bacchanal in my lifetime than I care to admit, but on the plus side, it has afforded me a wealth of experience in dealing with conflict.

What I’ve observed is that how people deal with conflict can be described on a sliding scale with avoidance (passive) on one end and confrontation (aggressive) on the other. Most people have a natural tendency that falls somewhere on this scale. We foster healthy relationships neither by avoiding conflict nor by constant confrontation.

By constantly shying away from having difficult conversations about sensitive or emotive issues avoiders rarely experience deep meaningful relationships. Avoiders will not tell people their real feelings in order to keep the peace. They seem like they are the ‘good guys’ next to the more aggressive confronters but they are just as toxic to a relationship. Often, they resort to passive aggressive behaviours. Then the only clue that you may get from an avoider you have offended are some sarcastic remarks in passing conversation.

I remember in my first supervisory position I couldn’t look at people in the eye when giving them negative feedback. It took me some years of self-development before I could hold those types of difficult conversations but even now I don’t like doing it.

Some examples of avoidance behaviours at its worst:

  • Using public forums to address personal offenses covertly with general statements such as when making work presentations or delivering sermons from the pulpit or ranting on Facebook.
  • Creating organizational policies to address one person’s behaviour.

Not all avoiders are this externally toxic of course. Many will just harbour bitterness and resentment quietly for a lifetime. There is a famous article by Bronnie Ware that talks about the 5 Top Regrets of Dying People based on her experience giving palliative care to dying patients. Number 3 was; I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Living without saying how you really feel is a tragic existence.

Confronters do not suffer from any problems of pent up feelings. Confronters have no interest in maintaining harmony or not hurting the other person’s feelings. They often appear to be the ‘bad guys’ always causing bacchanal. Their need to get the issue off their chest or prove their point is the overriding motivation. The result is often that they come across as aggressive and the result is more destructive than constructive as far as building trusting healthy relationships is concerned.

Some examples of confrontation behaviour at its worst:

  • Cussing out people when they feel unfairly treated.
  • Personal attacks on Facebook.

I have highlighted the very extreme ends of the scale only to make the distinction very clear. Most people, thankfully, will reside closer to centre with a tendency in either direction and will display a mix of these behaviours. So, let me offer a more balanced way of handling conflict; open and honest dialogue.

Open and honest dialogue recognizes that issues need to be brought into the open in order to be resolved while simultaneously recognizing that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. This type of engagement focuses on the issues not the personalities and has relationship building as it’s goal. This subtle shift is very powerful. The goal is no longer to keep the peace nor is it to assign blame. The relationship is prioritized as the most important thing.

This mindset demands that avoiders share their true feelings directly with the person. It also demands that confronters consider how the message will be received and therefore strive not to communicate in a way that could be interpreted as a personal attack. The bible calls it speaking the truth in love. You have to do both.

To do this it is most useful to consider:

  1. Choosing a place and time which brings out the best attitudes in both parties.
  2. Leading with more questions than statements.
  3. Making as few inferences as possible, assuming pure motives on both sides.
  4. Talking about the issues or situations and how they made you feel rather than making judgemental statements.

Here’s an example: Don’t say, “Matik yuh selfish, greedy bastard! Yuh eat meh cake again!” Do say, “Matik I was looking forward to eating my slice of cake all day and when I came home and it was gone I was so disappointed and upset. Did you eat it? Why?”

Where there are human relations, there will be conflict. Living a joyful life necessitates a mindset of treating conflict not as an opposition to relationship but as an opportunity for deeper relationship.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

‘Tis The Season

‘Tis the season to lime (Trini-speak for hang-out or get together). I’m tired just looking at my calendar and it’s not even December yet. Liming is synonymous with Christmas in Trinidad.

There are work limes and church dinners and several get-togethers at friends’ houses and of course family luncheons. But that’s just the start because if you have kids then there are also school concerts and end-of-year award ceremonies and music/dance class recitals and so on and so forth.

It’s just too much…for me anyway. I am already struggling to get more than six hours sleep a night and keep my exercise regime going (not to mention the implications for my eating habits).

So, what’s the solution to this dilemma? Well…it’s the perfect opportunity to practice Stephen Covey’s 3rd habit; Putting First Things First. According to Dr. Covey, activities fall into four quadrants:

  1. Important but not urgent
  2. Urgent but not important
  3. Important and urgent
  4. Neither important nor urgent

So where do all of these social events fall? They certainly aren’t urgent. But how important are they and how important is what I would give up to attend them? There is always a trade off. Saying yes to one thing means saying no to another. What is important to me is based on my goals that I have set for myself and I find that at times like these it is good to remind myself of my goals for the year. What did I want to accomplish? Which relationships did I want to focus on?

There are some times, like this evening, when riding  bicycles around the block with my kids and tucking them into bed early is the most important thing. There will be other times when reconnecting with family and old friends can be prioritized. Whatever the case, saying no to something good will be an essential skill for this season. Because no to something good is really yes to something better.

Keep your head on this season. By all means enjoy the time of good cheer with family and friends. Just be wise and prioritize.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls