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Tag: #authenticjoy

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True Strength

First of all, I just want to announce that I’ve moved the Authentic Joy blog to its own Facebook page. So for those of you that use Facebook to stay connected, please like the page and share and comment. I would love to hear from you! 🙂

Launching this blog in October and connecting with you all over these past months has been a blast. Thank you all for your support! Feedback that I have often received is that my willingness to be so open is appreciated, so I thought I would talk a little more about that this week.

Strength, especially masculine strength, too often has been portrayed as having a veneer of invincibility and success. To quote my cousin’s Facebook post: “Men are so obsessed with acting strong and not showing and weakness or emotion, the exact opposite happens. Everyone has feelings. It’s ok to acknowledge and deal with them.”

We are caught in the gravitational pull of the image of invulnerability as a laudable quality. But if we can break out of this futile orbit to nowhere, the stars await! Because invulnerability is not the truth; it’s not real. If we can let go of the image of strength, we can begin to actually develop true strength. Many leaders still feel that there are things they MUST NEVER show at all costs. Things like weakness, discouragement, failure, disappointment, fear and being wrong. I’ve seen this with businessmen and I’ve seen it with pastors.

This charade has two important ramifications:

  1. Leaders rarely get the help they need. Every church scandal can be traced back to a leader who was too ashamed of his struggles with sin to let people know. And how many business initiatives have failed because somebody could not admit that they were wrong or that they did not have the answer?
  2. Followers are not engaged with leaders in a growth process. To begin with, nobody is inspired by inauthentic leadership. We know when someone is selling us a load of crap disguised as sunshine. Secondly, nobody grows; not the leader and not the followers who typically mimic the leader to survive. You cannot develop courage in the face of fear or failure without acknowledging the fear or failure.

The great news is that the charade is being exposed! Brené Brown is at the forefront of a movement to recognize the power of vulnerability! It should not go unnoticed that this message comes from a woman and the lessons we can learn about the value of the female voice in leading much needed change at all levels in our fairly paternalistic society. She says, “I believe that vulnerability – the willingness to be “all in” even when you know it can mean failing and hurting – is brave. I do NOT believe that cussing and praying are mutually exclusive.” You can read more about her message here: https://brenebrown.com

The fact is that real strength, real courage, is showing your weakness; being vulnerable in the face of challenges.

This is, in effect the story of Christmas. The hero comes to save the world and enters in the most vulnerable of ways. Jesus doesn’t come as a towering angel or powerful warrior king. He comes as a helpless baby born in a stable to parents who haven’t yet consummated their marriage. Weak and poor at the bottom of society. He understood where real strength lies.

So essentially, what I have been trying to say through this blog is, “It’s ok to talk about mistakes and failure and hurts and fears. It’s ok to be vulnerable. We all face these demons but let’s not do it alone anymore. Let’s help each other and engage each other in a community of growth and support.” I know no better way to do that than by sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of my own story.

We are stronger together!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Success Is The Enemy Of Growth

I spent half of my life believing that one of the big objectives of life was to be successful and hence to avoid failure at all costs. ‘Getting it right’ and ‘living right’ were big themes particularly at the church I attended. Then I had my first big failure; leaving my first marriage. I am choosing my words very deliberately. I believe both people take responsibility for the success or failure of any relationship but in terms of responsibility for ending the relationship, I have to own the fact that I left my marriage and backed out of my vows.

That led to a period of intense recalibration. I had to face up to who I was and what I really believed. Not what the bible said. Not what my pastor taught. What did I believe and who did I want to be.

I did not know it at the time but that set a foundation for authentic growth. You cannot grow, if you do not recognize a lack, a deficiency. I explored the depths of my own passions and desires and over time the authentic me emerged. From that time in my life onwards, I began to grow at an accelerated pace.

From that nexus came forth so much fruit; humility, a desire to reconnect with my parents, empathy for the moral outcasts of life, an encounter with the boundless merciful love of Christ, understanding of the real gospel of Jesus, freedom from shame, understanding of true companionship, refreshed love for mankind, renewed delight in this physical creation God has blessed us to enjoy… I could go on and on but the point is that it started with failure. As Richard Rohr says, “The way down, is the way up.”

Day by day, it washes over me with renewed poignancy how blessed I am to have experienced failure. Failure opened the door for my inner work because success is the enemy of growth. By growth I don’t mean external accomplishments. I mean inner growth; character formation. Success tells us that who we are is working so we have no need to change. But it can be a deception. I see it all the time in very successful men with rotten characters. If you give them feedback, they immediately point to their track record of success as validation of who they are.

I am extremely thankful because I could have been just like that; a rotten success. Looking back now I know that there were many whispers of feedback that I must have missed until life had to shout to get my attention. Now I have the humility to hear the whispers of feedback in the counsel of my support group or in the reactions of people I interact with (even though I must admit I still sometimes don’t have the humility to act on it).

I can remember last year getting feedback from staff and how it shook me. Even though it was largely positive, the few areas for improvement were areas I was passionate about and that I thought I was outstanding in. Apparently, I was not. I was quite successful as a manager, but the echoes of past hubris reminded me not to be so cocky, so sure of my footing, so set in my beliefs that no other view can penetrate my world. I sat down with a friend and charted a course to work on becoming a better me.

The other beautiful thing about inner growth is that it affects everything else. My failure in marriage caused inner growth that redounded to my professional life and friendships. You bring you wherever you go. A failed business or a failed work project or a failed exam can catalyse inner work that affects your total life.

My dear companions, don’t be fooled by success and don’t be daunted by failure. Listen… listen to the lessons of your life and learn well.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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We Have The Power!

I had a very interesting chat with some co-workers yesterday about how people use their power. We concluded that people had different aspirations with regard to their use of power. Basically, some aspired to use their power for demonstrating their superiority, self-aggrandizement or getting ahead (in other words, to help themselves). While others aspired to use their power to help others.

I was grateful that in my little work group yesterday, having observed those that used their power to serve themselves, we determined never to be in that group. It was a ray of hope that warmed my heart.

We all have power. The only question is how will we use it….

The physically strong have power over the weak. Will we use our power to muscle advantage over the weaker ones? Will we parents dominate and bully our children? How will we care for the elderly? Do we still give up our seats in the waiting room or on the bus?

The rich have power over the poor. How will we use that power? Will we squeeze the most work for the least possible pay? Will we take the largest shareholder dividends possible and treat our employees like resources to be exploited? Will we kill the small businessman to get another 1% market share? Or will we use our money to help others up?

Then there are those of us with positional power. Those invested with power by our organizations, whether it be a business-place, school or church. How we use our position? Will we swoop down and attack our underlings in meetings to enforce who is the boss? Will we grab up all the perks for ourselves? Will we use the pulpit to judge, condemn and shame? Or will we seek to make everybody successful? Will we build people up who are failing?

What about societal power? The influence we are afforded because of our position in society. How do we treat the driver, the waiter, the KFC worker, the cleaner? This is often how I take the measure of a man. How does he treat the lowest rank person? Are we rude and entitled or courteous and kind? How do we treat women? How do we treat minority groups? How do we treat homosexuals? How do we treat that person who is not as well adjusted socially as we are? Are we enforcing our individual superiority or our common humanity?

We all have the power. Let’s use it for good! Let’s spread the joy!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Authentic You, Authentic Me, Beautiful Us

What first attracted me to coaching was the uncompromising commitment to honouring people’s uniqueness. We each have a unique identity and life experience.

Today I had an online coaching class on diversity and the focus was on how to effectively coach people different to us. We will have clients with different values, cultures and experiences and our job is NOT to use our values and experiences to help them but to trust that they have the best solutions for their own lives. Our job is to help them discover their own path and support them in achieving their goals.

To do that we have to remove all judgment from our minds. For example, if the client says they want to get married at age 20, I have to support that no matter what my experience has been. They are not me and their experience is not mine. This can be very difficult at times, but it is a way of helping people that I’m totally committed to, ironically, because of my experiences.

In Christian circles judgment is in no short supply. I’ve experienced it from within far less for those who do not share the faith. The ability to help people who do not share our personal values and beliefs (in other words people unlike us) is not just a challenge but not even something that is seen as desirable for many Christians. I believe this is something that we need to change. We need to stop trying to change people and start practicing truly unconditional love.

I have a dream. A dream of seeing the kaleidoscope love of God displayed in infinite variety as people are free to be their authentic selves. Authenticity is a big part of my value system, but it is always under attack and I believe that’s probably true for most of us. Even with these blogs I had to set my mind to be me. I knew that I could turn off some (less religious) people with my passion for Christ and I knew that I could turn off some of the more religious folks because my blogs aren’t preachy like a Christian’s blog ‘should be,’ plus I’m not hiding my massive moral flaws. I chose to be me regardless.

Like me, I want people to be fully themselves and I want to help them. I want to curb the inclination to make people more like me. As a friend recently reminded me, I can be judgmental. It’s a work in progress but I’m committed to the process.

So will you do me a favour? Please do you like only you can! Be joyfully, authentically you and light up your world!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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The Art Of Creating A Crisis

Last week I blogged about not stretching myself too thin for Christmas. Well guess what? I didn’t listen to my own advice. I got caught up in a million things from something as seemingly innocuous as setting up a new iPhone (amazing how much time that sucks up!) to trying to get in some more online classes. All this on the back of the pile of year end work deliverables and helping the little ones prepare for exams.I hit the wall hard.

One day I just realized that not only was my body tired from lack of sleep but also my mind and emotions were tired. So that day I decided to have a crisis. I put my foot down (on myself) and put the phone down and got into bed at 9:00pm that night.

The next morning, I took time to feast on the view right outside my bedroom window and instead of playing a podcast or audiobook in the truck I put on my gangster rap and crunked out on the way to work.

As I was reminded in a book on coaching that I’m reading; information is not what makes us act, it’s motivation. That’s often why, although we know what we should do, we only take action when we feel enough pain to motivate us to get off our butts.

But I don’t want to be in that reactive mode. I want to be proactive. I want to act before the pain. I want to take time to renew before I burn out. I want to do those sit-ups before I get the pot belly. So what do I do? I have to envision the consequences of inaction and create a crisis in my head.

That’s what I’m doing when I say, “Good grief, look at the size of my belly!”. To which some might say, “Please Matik!”. That’s what it takes to stay ahead of the curve sometimes. Especially, when the action needed is not something you looove to do.

So, let’s go create a crisis today in order to walk into the future that we want for ourselves tomorrow.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Look Bacchanal!

In Trinidad and Tobago, the word bacchanal means confusion, argument or scandal. I’ve seen more bacchanal in my lifetime than I care to admit, but on the plus side, it has afforded me a wealth of experience in dealing with conflict.

What I’ve observed is that how people deal with conflict can be described on a sliding scale with avoidance (passive) on one end and confrontation (aggressive) on the other. Most people have a natural tendency that falls somewhere on this scale. We foster healthy relationships neither by avoiding conflict nor by constant confrontation.

By constantly shying away from having difficult conversations about sensitive or emotive issues avoiders rarely experience deep meaningful relationships. Avoiders will not tell people their real feelings in order to keep the peace. They seem like they are the ‘good guys’ next to the more aggressive confronters but they are just as toxic to a relationship. Often, they resort to passive aggressive behaviours. Then the only clue that you may get from an avoider you have offended are some sarcastic remarks in passing conversation.

I remember in my first supervisory position I couldn’t look at people in the eye when giving them negative feedback. It took me some years of self-development before I could hold those types of difficult conversations but even now I don’t like doing it.

Some examples of avoidance behaviours at its worst:

  • Using public forums to address personal offenses covertly with general statements such as when making work presentations or delivering sermons from the pulpit or ranting on Facebook.
  • Creating organizational policies to address one person’s behaviour.

Not all avoiders are this externally toxic of course. Many will just harbour bitterness and resentment quietly for a lifetime. There is a famous article by Bronnie Ware that talks about the 5 Top Regrets of Dying People based on her experience giving palliative care to dying patients. Number 3 was; I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Living without saying how you really feel is a tragic existence.

Confronters do not suffer from any problems of pent up feelings. Confronters have no interest in maintaining harmony or not hurting the other person’s feelings. They often appear to be the ‘bad guys’ always causing bacchanal. Their need to get the issue off their chest or prove their point is the overriding motivation. The result is often that they come across as aggressive and the result is more destructive than constructive as far as building trusting healthy relationships is concerned.

Some examples of confrontation behaviour at its worst:

  • Cussing out people when they feel unfairly treated.
  • Personal attacks on Facebook.

I have highlighted the very extreme ends of the scale only to make the distinction very clear. Most people, thankfully, will reside closer to centre with a tendency in either direction and will display a mix of these behaviours. So, let me offer a more balanced way of handling conflict; open and honest dialogue.

Open and honest dialogue recognizes that issues need to be brought into the open in order to be resolved while simultaneously recognizing that everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity. This type of engagement focuses on the issues not the personalities and has relationship building as it’s goal. This subtle shift is very powerful. The goal is no longer to keep the peace nor is it to assign blame. The relationship is prioritized as the most important thing.

This mindset demands that avoiders share their true feelings directly with the person. It also demands that confronters consider how the message will be received and therefore strive not to communicate in a way that could be interpreted as a personal attack. The bible calls it speaking the truth in love. You have to do both.

To do this it is most useful to consider:

  1. Choosing a place and time which brings out the best attitudes in both parties.
  2. Leading with more questions than statements.
  3. Making as few inferences as possible, assuming pure motives on both sides.
  4. Talking about the issues or situations and how they made you feel rather than making judgemental statements.

Here’s an example: Don’t say, “Matik yuh selfish, greedy bastard! Yuh eat meh cake again!” Do say, “Matik I was looking forward to eating my slice of cake all day and when I came home and it was gone I was so disappointed and upset. Did you eat it? Why?”

Where there are human relations, there will be conflict. Living a joyful life necessitates a mindset of treating conflict not as an opposition to relationship but as an opportunity for deeper relationship.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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‘Tis The Season

‘Tis the season to lime (Trini-speak for hang-out or get together). I’m tired just looking at my calendar and it’s not even December yet. Liming is synonymous with Christmas in Trinidad.

There are work limes and church dinners and several get-togethers at friends’ houses and of course family luncheons. But that’s just the start because if you have kids then there are also school concerts and end-of-year award ceremonies and music/dance class recitals and so on and so forth.

It’s just too much…for me anyway. I am already struggling to get more than six hours sleep a night and keep my exercise regime going (not to mention the implications for my eating habits).

So, what’s the solution to this dilemma? Well…it’s the perfect opportunity to practice Stephen Covey’s 3rd habit; Putting First Things First. According to Dr. Covey, activities fall into four quadrants:

  1. Important but not urgent
  2. Urgent but not important
  3. Important and urgent
  4. Neither important nor urgent

So where do all of these social events fall? They certainly aren’t urgent. But how important are they and how important is what I would give up to attend them? There is always a trade off. Saying yes to one thing means saying no to another. What is important to me is based on my goals that I have set for myself and I find that at times like these it is good to remind myself of my goals for the year. What did I want to accomplish? Which relationships did I want to focus on?

There are some times, like this evening, when riding  bicycles around the block with my kids and tucking them into bed early is the most important thing. There will be other times when reconnecting with family and old friends can be prioritized. Whatever the case, saying no to something good will be an essential skill for this season. Because no to something good is really yes to something better.

Keep your head on this season. By all means enjoy the time of good cheer with family and friends. Just be wise and prioritize.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Fire Bun Retirement

The pervasive retirement paradigm in society today is the biggest con that has ever been pulled on the workforce! Okay maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but hear me out…

The concept of working and saving for roughly forty years of your life to then relax and enjoy your hobbies and travel the world is fundamentally flawed for two reasons:

Firstly, why wait?! Seriously, why should we sweat and stress in the forty prime years of our lives (in terms our physical health) to then pursue our dreams in our declining years? This makes no sense. I have many friends who are not waiting (according to their Facebook pics anyway) and they should be applauded. There is no reason to delay pursuing your passions. DO IT NOW!

Begin strategizing ways to configure your life to achieve YOUR GOALS not only your employer’s. There are lots of good rexcuses (excuses masquerading as reasons) why we cannot do what we are really passionate about of course. After all, you have children and a mortgage and who is going to pay you your current salary to be the next Anthony Bourdain? I can totally relate.

The problem is that we need to overhaul our thinking. You can have more of your time under your control than you think. Getting a hold of this book is a good start to re-wiring your brain: “The 4-Hour Work Week: Escape the 9-5, Live Anywhere and Join the New Rich” by Tim Ferriss.

Why not live your most passionate life now? Do you really want to start enjoying life at sixty? Will you even reach fifty? So go on…..get off your butt and make a plan. Book that trip to see the Northern Lights! Take that one-month spiritual retreat to Thailand! Plan a weekend dinner date in Paris or Trinidad Hyatt! Buy those expensive golf clubs and start going once a week! Buy the electric guitar and start taking lessons online! In 2016 I did a two-week surfing retreat in Costa Rica. One of the best two weeks of my life!

The second problem with retirement is the vast wealth of knowledge and experience that goes down the drain. Retirement age is the prime time for giving back. Years of hard knocks and application of knowledge and skill should have produced a person that is not only wise but also mature.

Now, I do not mean that people should continue working in the same mode as before, clinging to position and power. The current classic example of this is Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe. We have too many leaders that have stifled the growth of companies and countries and churches by making themselves indispensable. This tragedy is all around us in Trinidad and Tobago. Why do the same old names keep recycling in our political parties and high-profile energy committees until they literally cannot walk anymore? It seems politicians and religious leaders only change when the incumbent dies.

What I am proposing is a transition to a mentorship role. Behind the scenes, men and women with deep knowledge and insight; veterans who have been through the good, the bad and the ugly should be ensuring the next generation benefits from their knowledge. This passing of the baton is what builds a nation. We need young innovative people with fresh ideas and zeal and energy, unfettered by tradition and history, to be in the driver’s seat while the wise and mature elders guide and coach in the background.

In our families the same is needed. Granny and grandpa should not be off golfing and ballroom dancing 24/7 or worst yet in a home for the aged somewhere. Their guiding hands and support are needed today more than ever while at the same time the younger generation needs to chart a new course in this new world.

In summary, do not put off your most passionate life for after sixty. Instead, begin to strategize around how in your later years you will help the next generation to surpass your accomplishments!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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I Am A Number 7

The Enneagram is a model which consists of nine personality types. The model proposes that every person falls into one of the nine types. It is not a perfect system of course. It’s kind of like giving everyone a colour that matches their personality. There are as infinite a number of colours as there are personalities but we can form broad categories like reds and greens.

I recently did a questionnaire that revealed that I was a type seven; The Enthusiast. According to https://www.enneagraminstitute.com, sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness.

As I read more and reflected, I gained some valuable insights into myself and how I relate to others. There were some things that did not apply to me and others that ‘fell in my garden’ as we say. Now I know some people don’t place much stock in personality typing. Some take the ‘I can’t be placed in a box’ stance or the ‘only God defines me’ stance. To which I say:

  • Nothing about personality typing limits you or places you in a box. It does quite the opposite. It can give you greater insight into what drives you, what are your strengths and what are your weaknesses which frees you to choose a path of growth that’s best for you.
  • The types are not designed to define you but to describe you (generally). If God made you an introvert for example the test will just reflect your natural God-defined nature.

I have done numerous of these types of assessments. For example, I am an ENTJ (Extrovert-Intuition-Thinking-Judgement) under the Myers-Briggs model and an I (Influence) under the DISC profile. Each assessment has provided feedback that I have used to grow and develop as a person.

But for me the real bonus of understanding these models in some depth has been the appreciation for the different personalities of the people I live and work with. It has made me more understanding and compassionate.

When it comes to relationships, I wish I had understood more about this stuff earlier in life. For example, the five love languages (http://www.5lovelanguages.com) proposes that every person has their particular way in which they give and receive love. I have found this to be so true and so empowering. The five love languages are:

  1. Words of affirmation
  2. Acts of service
  3. Receiving gifts
  4. Quality time
  5. Physical touch

If you are married, in a relationship or thinking of being in a relationship (have I covered everyone) I highly recommend finding out your love language. Imagine if your highest scoring love language is physical touch and you marry someone for whom that is their lowest scoring love language?! The more you know, the better able you are to articulate your needs and show your partner love in their language. For example, gifts are dead last for me. You could buy me a new BMW and I would be like “Thanks.”

As Polonius said in Hamlet, “To thine own self be true.” Well, the more you know about yourself, the truer you can be. Greater self-awareness and greater ability to understand and celebrate the diversity of personalities in your world will undoubtedly lead to more joyful and fulfilling relationships. And you know what they say; the quality of your life is really the quality of your relationships.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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I’m Having A Bad Day

Yesterday was one of those days. I did not want to get out of bed. I was falling behind on initiatives towards personal goals I had set for myself. My boss was not too happy with me after I had shared some bad news on a project that he was not expecting. My youngest son was upset that I had taken away his phone and my daughter was crashing under a mountain of lessons and homework. And there were several other conflicts and dramas that is inherent with my complexed family situation. Waking up to face the day seemed daunting.

I finally dragged myself off the bed and pressed robotically into the routine. Iron. Wake up children. Bathe. Shave. Brush teeth. Dress. What does this have to do with authentic joy you may ask? Well it definitely has a lot to do with authenticity. This is the reality of some of my days. Sometimes it’s tough! Sometimes it seems like everybody and everything is pulling on me, depending on me, draining my energy. Have you ever felt like that?

As for joy, well I like to think of joy as something deeper than mere happiness. Happiness is a mood; an emotion. As a preacher once said, happiness is based on what’s happening. Sometimes we will be happy. Sometimes sad. Sometimes frustrated. Sometimes angry. But beneath all of that is our raison d’être; the most important reason for our existence. Joy is not in our moods and circumstances but in the fulfilment of a purposeful life.

Days like these when I can’t self-motivate is when my support systems kick in (hopefully). Yesterday my bff lovingly reminded me of my raison d’être. I reached out to another friend and he Whatsapped me some encouragement.  Even the Facebook newsfeeds and emails we receive on a daily basis can be sources of encouragement if we intentionally set it up that way. You can choose what messages pass through the filters to fill your soul. Sometimes we need a reminder of who we are and why we’re here. A reminder that this too shall pass. That something good is coming out of all of this. Something to talk us down from jumping off the bridge into the river of despair. Honestly there have been some days when even the support systems failed, and my children were probably the only thing that stopped me from quitting my job and disappearing into obscurity somewhere.

For some reason life does not give you a time out. I still had to go to work and muster up the strength to approach the boss constructively. I still had to deal with the children patiently and lovingly support them in their crises. I had to dig deep inside but when I did I found that there was strength there. Beyond the religious ‘too blessed to be stressed’ hype, deep inside my soul was a quiet resource. A calm assurance as old and resilient as the mountains.

I went there and I found joy.

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls