I think that we can love our children too much. Well, actually that’s not true; we can never love too much but we can have a counterfeit love for our children that is more akin to worship. Our whole life is for them. We say things like, “Mommy will do anything for you baby.” Will we really? I hope not. “You are my sun, my heart, the centre of my world.” I really wonder if we understand the ramifications of statements like that? It sounds great; like something a dedicated, loving parent would say but is it really?
According to a Time article by Jennifer Moses, “The problem with all this, aside from how silly it is, is that children who are the center of their parents’ lives become brats. Children whose parents put their kids’ entertainment, social lives, futures, and schedules ahead of their own well-being soon learn that there is only one important person in the room, and that person is the person whose short life has already been captured on endless video clips. This is not good. This is not good at all. Not for the kid. Not for the grownup. Not for the family dog.”
Children who are worshipped, grow up believing they are gods and believe that everyone will bend to their will as their parents have for their entire short lives. These ‘helicopter parents’ swoop in to clean up every mess and comfort every discomfort, robbing their charges of the necessary coping skills and character development that can only come from unmet expectations, disappointments, failures and the sometimes unfair hard-knocks of life. These poor children often suffer from depression and maladjustment as they encounter the real world outside their little personal kingdom.
Many of these parents may actually have co-dependent relationships with their kids; dependent on them for affirmation and love. According to Psychology Today, here are 5 signs that you are in a co-dependent relationship (To look at this from a parental point of view I substituted ‘partner’ with ‘child’):
- Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your child’s needs?
- Is it difficult to say no when your child makes demands on your time and energy?
- Do you cover your child’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
- Do you constantly worry about their opinion of you?
- Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
I find this list a bit scary because it is so close to our accepted paradigm of good parenting today. The thing about co-dependency is that (i) it prevents you from taking actions in the best interest of the child, and (ii) it is often a behaviour that the child repeats in his/her relationships. It is a very unhealthy behaviour that is not easily changed.
However, there is hope. The first step is awareness. Here are some habits that will keep us from co-dependent tendencies:
- Set clear boundaries on our time. For example, Sunday is my rest/fun day. I will not be taking you to any regular activity on a Sunday.
- Set clear boundaries on what we will and will not do for our children. I will not do your school project for you. I may guide and assist but you are responsible for it, not me. I will not write an excuse for you for not completing your homework unless there was a serious emergency that prevented you from completing your assignment.
- Intentionally give them more and more responsibility and autonomy as they get older. For example, as my daughter graduates to secondary school she will be ironing her own school uniform from now on. She is also allowed to be on social media now.
- Intentionally nurture interests and hobbies other than our children. For example, no matter how much my children may believe that I am not entitled to go out or play football or take trips (or do anything really) without them, I go anyway.
Our children deserve every opportunity to grow and mature into strong, balanced and healthy adults. Let’s not fail them by loving them to pieces but instead let’s love them to wholeness.
Joyfully.
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.