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Tag: #failure

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The Grace Of Failure

I’m my worst critic. I want to obey God. I want to make all the right decisions. Most of all, I want to love people well. Somehow, I do not live up to that standard on a daily basis. And sometimes, when I fail, I beat myself up about it. I had a particularly bad self-flagellation episode recently. I was teaching an online class about spiritual growth. I had given the participants an exercise to do and as one participant was sharing her experience with the exercise, I interrupted her to ‘correct’ what I thought was a misunderstanding of the instructions that I had given.

I went over that interaction in my head for days. “Why did I feel the need to interrupt?” “How could I have acted in a way that was exactly the opposite of creating a safe loving space which was the foundation of the whole course!?” I sank deeper and deeper into a depression.

After I had a chance to apologize (and realize that this was bothering me much more than it was bothering her) I was able to begin to see God’s grace in my failure. I was able to see myself starting the session that day with a cavalier air about myself. I had been doing the sessions for a while now and I was becoming a believer in my own expertise. I was losing the ethos of the ‘eternal amateur’ as I call it. I believe that great moves of God, great churches and great men usually start off in a place of ‘Oh God, we need you, we don’t know what we’re doing.’ That place of dependency is not meant to be a phase that we graduate from but a lifetime heart posture.

God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.

Matthew 5:3 (NLT)

God moves in the midst of and on behalf of those who live in the reality of their dependency on Jesus. We can do nothing Godly without God.

My failure was God mercifully letting me know that I had taken a step away from that place of dependency. I was becoming a professional. I remember how I prayed at the start of that session… I didn’t pray for God to help me. I prayed for God to help them. They needed help, not me. What a delusion!

If it takes failure for me to remember the mess that I am and my utter need for God, oh God please give me failure. When God begins to move in your life and the spheres that you inhabit, it is a seductive fantasy to buy into your own competence. I’ve seen it. I’ve witnessed the exit of God as man exalts himself to god-like status. I’ve seen mere mortals become THE man of God to the point where it is anathema to even remind his church members that he is just a man. I’ve seen churches buy into a ‘we are the chosen ones’ narrative to the point that they sincerely believe that no other church can steward God’s purpose like them. The thing is, this happened to sincere people who genuinely wanted God. They just bought into their own success.

Success is a strong drink. It can intoxicate the heart and distort reality. Failure has the potential to sober us up to the delusion of our competence.

...I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. 8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

2 Corinthians 12:7b-9

Oh God, whenever I begin to buy into myself as the source of my success, please send me the grace of failure. I don’t need a reputation as a perfect Christian who has it all together. I do not want a reputation as successful in man’s eyes when I am not in Yours. I only want You. I only need You. I only want Your ‘Well done.’ On the days that I feel successful, please help me to remember that it is only by Your grace. And on the days that I feel like a failure, please help me to remember that that too is grace – an invitation to see You at work more deeply in my life.

Copyright 2022, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

If you haven’t yet, check out our FREE Spiritual Growth Foundation Course in which we cover the four foundational principles for spiritual growth and much more! In addition to on-demand videos which you can watch at your leisure, there are downloadable handouts for those who prefer written content.

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Best Laid Plans

The sun had just risen over the trees, bathing the dewy grass with its warmth as we disembarked the vehicle. My bff/coach began to outline the route for me. We had been progressing well towards our fitness goals and today she had set us an ambitious target. Over an hour later we had completed our best run in a while and we were pumped!

The problem is, this was also us same time last year January. But somehow it didn’t last. By the time December rolled around we were both feeling like BFDBs (Big Fat Dirty Bastards). It wasn’t for lack of planning or commitment. Because I must confess, my name is Matik and I’m a goal setting junkie. Every year I go through an intense goal setting process and it fuels my focus for the rest of the year. Still, my fitness was my biggest loss in 2018. And it sucks! So what happened? My Google Maps 2018 timeline says it all. I was hit by a crazy work travel schedule and I was hit hard! I’m a creature of habit and the constant disruption in my routine and eating habits completely threw me off.

So, it’s January again…. Time to make resolutions or if you are like me,set goals, and I’m thinking, “How can I avoid a repeat of 2018?”

So, I did a root cause analysis and I figured out what the problem was…When I was setting my goal, I did not take into account that I would have totravel so often. This phenomenon is the ultimate derailer of plans! We set goals assuming certain conditionsbut as the year progresses those conditions often change; conditions which wedid not plan for!

There are two things we can do to combat this (none of which I did in2018, which my scale can attest to):

  1. Brainstormpossible barriers for every goal we set and what we could do to surmount them.
  2. Even so, wewon’t think of everything, so we need to be able to re-assess and adjust ourgoals and plans when circumstances change. Stop and recalibrate.

Sometimes what we learn from our failures is more valuable than our victories. I hope this short lesson in goal-setting taken from my 2018 failure will help you to achieve all your wildest dreams in 2019 and beyond!

Joyfully,


Copyright 2019, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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Performance Pressure

Next month my 12-year-old daughter writes the big SEA exam for entrance into secondary school. My 16-year-old son will also write his O’Level exams around the same time. Meanwhile, at work we have been having conversations about setting more challenging goals and cultivating a high-performance culture. These days, it is more evident to me than ever before how deeply this performance culture permeates our society.

There are side-effects to this culture that reminds me of those ads for some new wonder drug that promises to change your life, but possible side effects include drowsiness, depression, nausea, dizziness and erectile dysfunction. You begin to wonder if the drug is worth it right?

Some of the side effects of a performance culture that I have observed are:

  1. Unhealthy comparison/competition
  2. Confusing ability to perform with self-worth
  3. Fear of failure

Unhealthy comparison/competition

I have children with different natural abilities and talents. One may be great at math while another may have great physical agility. One may have a superior command of the English language, while another may be good at arts and craft. I see my role as a father as facilitating the emergence of the best in each of them based on their individual potential (not their performance compared to others).

Unavoidably, that means unequal treatment. To illustrate: If I have one child who is a natural math genius and they get 95% in an exam and another who struggles with math and they get 65% in an exam, I would reward them equally. What the performance culture does is sets up a way of thinking that encourages comparison against others rather than against your own potential. So, the child who gets 95% may feel unfairly treated because he/she did much better than the other one. But that’s ok. Far worse is the child that is always held to the standards of his/her sibling. It can leave awful scars.

In business, the negative behaviours that this type of thinking often breed is unhealthy competition between peers or departments. Unhealthy meaning that individual or departmental success is prioritized above the company’s overall success. Once I meet my targets that’s all that matters!

Confusing ability to perform with self-worth

This is one that I’m particularly watchful for any signs of in my children. Too often failing to pass an exam or win a match is interpreted as a reflection on personal self-worth. It needs to be said that the top students and top athletes are not necessarily better people! So often we write-off people because they don’t have the credentials or track-record that we think is important. There are so many valuable attributes that are not generally measured!

Failing an exam does not make you a failure. Not meeting your goals does not make you a failure. The human being is more than the narrow band that society focuses on. The same culture is also in the church by the way, the indicators are just different. The church measurables are: How long do you pray? How many times do you attend church? How well do you know the bible? How long have you been married? How long have you been serving the Lord? Are your children serving the Lord? Thankfully, God does not measure us that way. We are all The Father’s children and we were all worthy enough that Jesus died for us, every one!

Fear of failure

In a paradoxical way, this high-performance culture ensures mediocrity. If you know that your boss is going to measure you by what you say you are going to achieve, then you are not going to set any outrageous goals. But don’t we want people to go after the unattainable, the outrageous? Sure we do, but we are never going to get that unless it is ok to fail.

The other way we insure against failure is by taking as few risks as possible. We are constantly taking the safest road possible because we know that we will be severally penalized for failure. The culture keeps our focus on the wrong thing; on what could go wrong, instead of what could go right!

This happens at home too. Do we parents support our children when they come with some outrageous pie-in-the-sky dream? Sometimes we stifle our children by making them play it safe. Go to school and become a doctor or a lawyer. Drop out and start a business making earrings? Don’t be crazy! However, some of our most celebrated business leaders today started out as college drop-outs with crazy ideas.

In summary, here’s my philosophy of life in answer to this prevailing culture:

  1. The only person I’m in competition with is myself. I challenge myself to grow continuously and become all that God wants me to become. I don’t want to leave unfulfilled potential on the table.
  2. I don’t have to succeed at the expense of your failure. We can all succeed together. I believe in win-win. I believe we can all be exceptional!
  3. I believe every single person is highly valuable not because of anything they have done or not done but because they were created by God. Every person has something valuable that they can add to my life and if I don’t see it, it just means I’m not looking hard enough.
  4. Failure is an opportunity to learn! I am not defined by my failures. I am not afraid of failure. I am afraid of not living life to the fullest!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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Success Is The Enemy Of Growth

I spent half of my life believing that one of the big objectives of life was to be successful and hence to avoid failure at all costs. ‘Getting it right’ and ‘living right’ were big themes particularly at the church I attended. Then I had my first big failure; leaving my first marriage. I am choosing my words very deliberately. I believe both people take responsibility for the success or failure of any relationship but in terms of responsibility for ending the relationship, I have to own the fact that I left my marriage and backed out of my vows.

That led to a period of intense recalibration. I had to face up to who I was and what I really believed. Not what the bible said. Not what my pastor taught. What did I believe and who did I want to be.

I did not know it at the time but that set a foundation for authentic growth. You cannot grow, if you do not recognize a lack, a deficiency. I explored the depths of my own passions and desires and over time the authentic me emerged. From that time in my life onwards, I began to grow at an accelerated pace.

From that nexus came forth so much fruit; humility, a desire to reconnect with my parents, empathy for the moral outcasts of life, an encounter with the boundless merciful love of Christ, understanding of the real gospel of Jesus, freedom from shame, understanding of true companionship, refreshed love for mankind, renewed delight in this physical creation God has blessed us to enjoy… I could go on and on but the point is that it started with failure. As Richard Rohr says, “The way down, is the way up.”

Day by day, it washes over me with renewed poignancy how blessed I am to have experienced failure. Failure opened the door for my inner work because success is the enemy of growth. By growth I don’t mean external accomplishments. I mean inner growth; character formation. Success tells us that who we are is working so we have no need to change. But it can be a deception. I see it all the time in very successful men with rotten characters. If you give them feedback, they immediately point to their track record of success as validation of who they are.

I am extremely thankful because I could have been just like that; a rotten success. Looking back now I know that there were many whispers of feedback that I must have missed until life had to shout to get my attention. Now I have the humility to hear the whispers of feedback in the counsel of my support group or in the reactions of people I interact with (even though I must admit I still sometimes don’t have the humility to act on it).

I can remember last year getting feedback from staff and how it shook me. Even though it was largely positive, the few areas for improvement were areas I was passionate about and that I thought I was outstanding in. Apparently, I was not. I was quite successful as a manager, but the echoes of past hubris reminded me not to be so cocky, so sure of my footing, so set in my beliefs that no other view can penetrate my world. I sat down with a friend and charted a course to work on becoming a better me.

The other beautiful thing about inner growth is that it affects everything else. My failure in marriage caused inner growth that redounded to my professional life and friendships. You bring you wherever you go. A failed business or a failed work project or a failed exam can catalyse inner work that affects your total life.

My dear companions, don’t be fooled by success and don’t be daunted by failure. Listen… listen to the lessons of your life and learn well.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls