I am way excited about my new YouVersion bible plan! This plan is different because it includes a daily testimony from my fatherhood journey. Here’s an excerpt… I hope it encourages you:
Sometimes as a father, I would be focused too much on correcting the attitudes and behaviours of my children. Soon they began to dread every time I said that I wanted to talk to them because they knew it would be about something they were doing wrong. When I realized that I had (albeit with good intentions) created a negative association with ‘talking to dad,’ I was heartbroken.
So, I determined to change. I began to work on finding good things to have heart-to-hearts about, and instead of correcting their behaviour, I focused on telling them about the amazing people God created them to be.
I remember one time in particular. I was worried about my son not applying himself in school. Instead of talking to him about that, I asked him what he saw himself doing in the future. It sparked a beautiful conversation about his ambitions and how he could set himself up for success. Frankly, I was surprised at how well it worked! I actually saw him begin to apply himself more in school. Later in the week, he scolded his brother for not having a bigger vision for his life. I had to work hard to hide my expression of incredulity!
Calling out the gold works ten times better than pointing out the dross!
Pray:
Father, You only make beautiful things! Help me to see my family through Your eyes and hold before them a vision of the greatness that you have for them! Help me to partner with You in calling them into their Heavenly identity.
Copyright 2022, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
If you haven’t yet, check out our FREE Spiritual Growth Foundation Course in which we cover the four foundational principles for spiritual growth and much more! In addition to on-demand videos which you can watch at your leisure, there are downloadable handouts for those who prefer written content.
Father’s Day has been a bit surreal for me this year. I do not normally pay any heed to Father’s Day. I don’t expect much. But God has been focusing my attention very keenly on my family of late and so I found myself really thinking about my fatherhood and my father a lot today.
I have been realizing how much I need to do with my children to help them to heal from wounds that I have caused. This is the first time that all my children are living with me. They have all experienced at some point in their childhood what it is like to live without their father being in the same house with them. Although in my heart and mind I have never abandoned them (and in fact have always been very present emotionally, financially, and as much as possible physically) I am realizing that their experience is quite different. I am realizing how much just being there for a child every day makes a huge difference. A difference that is difficult to make up with weekend visits.
I am also realizing that they have all been told stories about me abandoning them by their mothers. (If you are a single mom or a single dad, I’m begging you for your children’s sake, don’t tell them that their father/mother left them because they didn’t want them or didn’t love them. The only person you are hurting with that narrative is your child.) Anyway, what’s done is done. My job is to change the narrative. Every day is a new opportunity to change the ending of the story for my family. With God’s guidance and amazing grace, that’s what I’m doing.
As I pondered all of this today, I realized afresh how much my dad did for my sister and I by just staying. My parents were not married when my sister and I were born and neither of us were planned. But, he stayed. We called him Baba and for the first five years of our lives, he was the one at home while mom worked. I cannot remember a single night when either of them went out. They were home every night. They both sacrificed a lot for us to have a home.
I learned a lot from Baba but not from what he said (he is not a talker) but from just being around him. I learned to be myself no matter what and I learned how to navigate the world. I remember when one of my friends got boxing gloves as a present. Every boxing ‘game’ would end up with me beat up and crying. Baba said, “When he’s swinging wide you just punch straight”. I tried it out next time and all it took was one punch to end that game once and for all. I also remember the first time I was allowed to go to cinema by myself. Palladium was walking distance from my house, so off I went to the midday show with Baba’s advice in my head. “Always be alert. Know what is happening in your surroundings.” It was an adventure! Exciting and a bit scary at the same time. As I reached back home, I saw Baba coming up behind me… He had been with me the whole way home but out of sight, making sure I was safe.
Thank you Baba, for always being there for me. (Even up to last week fixing my kitchen sink 😊).
My wife has been a beautiful instrument in God’s hands to help me to learn to receive love. She is the one who insisted that I must be made a big deal of today. She doted over me and got me a wonderful present that I was not expecting. This year I decided to allow myself to be celebrated. It felt good. Thanks hun! Love you!
But what really made today extra special was my daughter. The joy she gave me today is indescribable. First of all, she made macaroons from scratch for me. Then she sent me a Father’s Day video that perfectly captured our relationship. I’ve watched it at least 5 times already and teared up every time. Aaaand she is working on some surprise present that she has not finished yet. But most of all, she just came looking for me throughout the day to spend time with me. I can’t believe that she did so much to show me that she loves me (sniff, sniff).
It’s been a good day. I’m thankful. I’m thinking that I might just extend Father’s Day into Monday 😊.
Copyright 2021, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
A couple of weeks ago I spent an afternoon at the beach bodyboarding
with my eldest son. I have not gone bodyboarding since maybe I was in my
twenties and it’s been a while since he and I have done something like that together,
without the rest of the family. We had so much fun racing down the waves
together. Just the two of us, carefree sea-buddies. I will remember that day
forever.
Afterward, I dropped him home. We parted with our usual
little goodbye ritual and I started the journey home. It was night by this time
and as I cruised along the highway with my thoughts for company a strange
feeling came over me that started with a sudden epiphany.
“He’s eighteen now! He’s an adult!”
In my mind I saw the little one-and-a-half-year-old baby the last
day that I held him before the events that led to his mom and I getting divorced.
I had done it. I had stayed alongside him all the way to adulthood and now here
we were; father and son and more than that – buddies. I had stayed true to the
commitment I made to that little baby boy to be the best father I could be to
him even though I lived in a different house.
Tears ran down my face as the streetlights blurred past. But
I could not understand why I was crying… Some emotion filled my soul, but I had
no idea what its name was. Was it, relief? No. Was it some sort of pride at my
paternal accomplishment? No, it wasn’t that either. Even as I was overcome with
emotion, I struggled to understand what I was feeling.
Memories flashed through my head. It had not been easy to be
the type of father I wanted to be to my son. Many times, I had to fight tooth
and nail to be a part of his life while trying not to fracture the tenuous relationship
with his mother which would defeat the very purpose of my effort. In truth it
has been a constant battle-dance. Without God I would have failed miserably.
When I left the marriage, I became untrustworthy and when I
left her church, I became a bad influence. Those two demon-labels were hell to
wrestle against while I was trying to be a significant part of my son’s life.
But I fought. Sometimes I lost. I did not get much say in the schools he
attended. But I fought. I was not allowed to be there for his baptism. But I
fought.
It was in his early teens when he had an assessment with a psychologist,
and she unearthed that he had a fear of me leaving him. I was heartbroken. How
could he not know that I would never leave him?? I had fought so hard to be
there for him in every way I knew how. I learned that day just how insidious
the enemy is and how fragile the human heart is. The enemy magnifies every
event, thought and conversation that would perpetuate his nasty lies and destabilize
our lives with fear. Well I was not going to let the enemy win! At the earliest
opportunity I let my baby boy know in no uncertain terms that I would NEVER
leave him no matter what. I know it made a difference in his heart. My only
regret is not knowing sooner that I needed to say it.
As I write this, it is only now that I understand what I was
feeling; what I can feel even now. It’s the feeling that you have after years
of hard battle when you look back at the sacrifices, the wounds, the scars and
you can say that it was worth it. The prize of the fight was worth the years of
hardship on the battlefield. The love I share with my son was worth it all. This
was what it was all for. There may still be many a skirmish to come and I won’t
be backing down, but I can see the victory.
God spoke to me that night. He said, “I feel the same way about you. I will never leave you nor forsake you all the days of your life. My love is steadfast.” My Father knew that I also needed to hear it.
It was as if the fierce love that I felt for my son suddenly flew up out of my chest, multiplied a hundred-fold in the air and returned to encompass me – the warm embrace of my Heavenly Father. My tears also multiplied, as I understood in a new way that perfect love casts out all fear.
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Copyright 2020, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
