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Tag: #relationshipsmatter

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God, Speak To Me Through Anyone But Her!

Talking to my ex-wife is not one of my favourite things to do. Our conversations are usually about the children and invariably something is my fault and I feel like I’m being berated (although she says that’s her normal voice). The calls normally go much longer than I enjoy talking on the phone (which is already painful for me). Having said that, her concern for her children is genuine and sometimes what she says has truth to it.

For me, listening for what God is saying through my ex-wife is a mortification of my flesh. It almost literally hurts. However, I am convinced that these innocuous everyday human interactions are some of the most powerful spiritual work that we do! It is in these trenches that we build patience, humility, long-suffering; the outworking of a love for others that transcends how we are being treated and our selfish self-interests.

I still have a lot of flesh to crucify…. I do not always handle it well. I sometimes forget to take a breath and ask for the Helper to hold me in that moment when the flesh begins to sizzle on the altar. Often, I jump out of the flames of purification. It’s painful man!

I am convinced that we underestimate just how necessary this work, this crucifixion of our flesh, is to our intimacy with Christ. It is nothing less than spiritual worship. If we want more of Christ in us, the flesh has to die.

This is why I am of the view that:

  1. People who isolate themselves or their hearts from deep relationships will not grow past a certain point in their relationship with Christ. You cannot say you love a God you have not seen and you do not love the brother you have seen.
  2. Loving the people close to you in a very specific way is more important and more difficult than loving those afar off in a more general way. It is much easier to appear nice to your church or your office than to deeply love your spouse and children.

Loving those right in front of you is deeply spiritual work. It is a spiritual imperative to remain open and vulnerable, risking hurt, victimization and betrayal for the cause of Christ, our hope of glory, being made manifest to and in those around us.

God, in His wisdom, has ordained His glorious light to dwell in fallible human beings; the church. If we want to love like Him, if we want to become mature enough to hold His fullness, we must be able to reverence the Christ in the imperfect person.

I believe we have sorely neglected this spiritual discipline. There has been a great percentage of the sermons that I have listened to that is nothing more than the pastor complaining about wrongs done to him. And many leaders have isolated themselves as a reaction to this type of betrayal. There are also many church members who press the eject button, leaving their church, when they suffer betrayal and hurt. Any real long-term relationship will at some point lead to offense and hurt. It is at that point the work truly begins… Love or leave? Forgive or forget it? Pursue love or protect self?

We rob ourselves of our own growth in Christlikeness when we refuse to do the work of mortification of self in the context of our relationships. There is no resurrection without crucifixion!

Copyright 2019, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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A Culture Of Relationship

Well folks, we have come to the end; the final instalment in my kingdom culture series! I hope you have enjoyed the content thus far. My aim in this series has been to highlight some of the values of authentic kingdom culture and to juxtapose that against the prevailing culture in the world. My hope is that the series has provoked thought and inspired you to live the values of the kingdom wherever you are!

In 1976 Edward T. Hall proposed a model for viewing culture as an iceberg. The part of an iceberg that is visible above the water is only 10% of its mass. The remaining 90% lurks hidden below the surface. Hall proposed that culture is the same; what we can see; the food, festivals, flag and fashion, is only 10% of what constitutes the culture. Underpinning that are dispositions, values, attitudes and beliefs. Let’s transpose this to the local church. The worship songs, preaching, activities, etc. are the most visible expressions of the culture but what I have been trying to focus on in this series is the underlying beliefs that lie below.

For this final piece I have chosen an issue which I believe is at the very bottom of the iceberg – love. I believe that love expressed through relationship is the very foundation of kingdom culture. I do not believe that anything achieved or constructed in the kingdom is of any value or merit or integrity unless it comes from a motive of love that finds expression through relationship.

Jesus said that all the Law and the Prophets depend on two commandments:

  1. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.
  2. You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Love for God and love for others are the foundational values of the kingdom.

Paul said that the most powerful exhibit of spiritual gifts or the most pious expressions of religious duty are all nothing if they are not done with love. Wow!

What does this mean for us? Well one practical implication is that God is not impressed by and He doesn’t respond to, mere spiritual activity. Often, I hear people say that the church would be better if we pray like we used to, or we attend services like we used to. I understand where those sentiments come from but the answer is not in the activity. The answer lies first in the quality of our relationship with God and with others. The activities are the 10% overflow from the 90% foundation.

I have found this to be a radically life-changing understanding. It means that our lack of victory in a situation may be more linked to the heart attitude we have toward our spouse than the time we put in in prayer.

This was recently brought home to be in a very tangible way. I was struggling with mild depression. I felt overwhelmed by the challenges in my marriage and the melding of two families under one roof. Extended family members weren’t making it any easier either. But worst of all my prayer life was nonexistent and my bible study was dull. Then God showed me that I had been carrying around a little undercurrent of resentment toward my wife. I thought it was nothing. I thought I had good reasons why I should feel that way but God saw it and He did not share my view. I was stopping the free flow of His love. The moment I saw it and acknowledged it for what it was, my life changed.

The same principle applies to other spheres of our lives. If we want more of the Presence of God in our ministry, don’t necessarily focus on what activity we need to add or change, focus on who we need to forgive or who we need to ask forgiveness of, or maybe which other ministries, leaders or denominations we pull down!

Kingdom power and the Presence of God flows and endures where people know His heart and live His values.

My dear friends, devote your lives to loving God completely and loving others well. Nothing else is of greater eternal consequence!

Copyright 2019, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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Deeper Is Better Than Broader

 

When it comes to relationships, deeper is better than broader. A meaningful relationship with one person is better than one hundred Facebook friends. Why is that Matik? Well I’m glad you asked! It’s because the real value of a relationship is only experienced when people can be real, and people can only be real when enough trust has been established to allow the vulnerability that being one’s true self entails.

Somewhere I read that disclosure is the currency of intimacy and it has stuck with me because it’s absolutely true. Relationships deepen as we share a little about our true thoughts and true feelings and if we are not rejected or mocked or judged but rather accepted then we share a little more. Then the other person may feel safe to share as well and soon enough a real friendship is established. The ultimate example of this should be a married couple of course. If you cannot be absolutely yourself with your spouse and feel absolutely safe, then something is amiss.

But why do I say that these intimate relationships are better than all the other platonic ones that we have? For two reasons:

1.  In any relationship in which you are not authentic, where you are keeping it professional, or where you are only showing your best side, you are missing opportunities for growth. You are missing opportunities for suggestions and feedback that could make your life dramatically more enriched. For example, when I go on business trips I like to share the challenges that my organization is currently facing with my business contacts because this has always been an amazing generator of partnerships and opportunities for my company. You never know what solutions and mutually beneficial relationships are out there unless you share. This principle has also been true in my personal friendships. People carry around a wealth of wisdom that they have gained through their experiences that you may never benefit from unless you have a real conversation with them. On the most intimate level, everyone needs love and to be known and accepted. Sharing your innermost self is a risk but the rewards are huge. Your soul blossoms in love. Usually but not always we get this kind of unconditional love from our parents, but they need not be the only ones. They should not be the only ones.

2.   Of course, this works both ways. The people in your life also need you. The real you needs to show up because your family and friends need to see your awesomeness. You have something that no one else can give. You are a walking growth opportunity for those around you. This is not giving advice (nobody really takes advice from someone they do not feel connected with anyway). This is more than that; it’s sharing your soul. Your naked soul is beautiful and speaks without you saying a word.

Let me tell you a story. Last Sunday morning I woke up and I did not feel like going to church. I felt like I should just spend some time taking it slow. You know, a lazy family kinda morning. “But I can’t, I have a friend that I promised to take to church and I have to lead worship” I thought. I had good reasons and skipping church can’t be a good thing, right? Then my friend messaged to say that she was not going to church. Hmmm, one excuse down but I still had to lead worship. So, I went to pick up my two youngest children who had spent the night at my parents house. They were in the same mood and I knew I would be late if the tug-of-war to get them out the house ensued. They were about to sit with my parents at the breakfast table where a pile of hot pancakes was waiting. You get the scene. I still ignored my instincts and went to church without them. Guess what? There was some mix-up and we were locked out of the church building that we use.  Eventually, I went back by my parents, but I knew that I had missed it. I had missed a moment to laugh and talk and deepen relationship with my children and parents.

I love my brothers and sisters at my church, but relationships aren’t built in a church service. If we are not intentional about it, we can be the most regular church-service-goers; smiling, shaking hands and giving hugs and it can all be meaningless because it’s all superficial. Choosing one brother or sister to call regularly or hang out with can be that monumental step from going to church toward being the church.

Now don’t get me wrong this is risky, messy business. Our true selves aren’t pretty sometimes and building meaningful relationships takes work. There will be hurts, misunderstandings, rejections…these are the risks but the rewards far far outweigh them! This message is doubly applicable to men whom I have found to be the most superficial creatures. You can have a friendship with a guy for decades and talk about nothing more impactful to his core being than football. We really need to step up men.

Go deep my friends and you will be rewarded with authentic joy!

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.