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Tag: #vulnerability

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We Only Have One Heart

If someone says, “I love God,” but hates a fellow believer, that person is a liar; for if we don’t love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we cannot see?

1 John 4:20 (NLT)

I want to draw your attention to one little word in this verse. The word can. Can is not about the will or the choice to do something. Can is about the ability to do something. The word in Greek means to be able to or to have the power or capability to. And if this is the case then what this verse is saying is that if we do not practice loving our fellow believers then we will not have the capability to love God and that is profound!

Often we think, and I have thought at one point, that we can live in isolation in a ‘just me and God’ sort of reality. And by isolation, I don’t mean that we necessarily become a hermit but just that we withhold our hearts from everyone or at least most people. We think we can hold everyone at a distance but be intimate with God. This verse is saying that that is a delusion. The same relational muscles that we must build to be vulnerable with others and to connect across the things that divide us (race, theology, personality, class, education) are the same muscles needed to connect to an invisible God.

I did not come about this understanding by studying 1 John. That is rarely how God teaches me. It was revealed to me in my daily struggles as I processed life with God. Since I married the one and only Tricia Celestin-Nicholls I have been working on trying to remain relational and connected with her through life’s ups and downs. As with all of us, I have suffered my fair share of trauma and I have learned coping mechanisms to keep myself safe. My go-to is shutting down, meaning that I become emotionally numb and withdraw into my own inner world. There are any number of triggers that can cause me to shut down but any form of criticism or vexation pointed in my direction is top of the list. I can also shut down if I am under a lot of emotional stress. And when I shut down it’s with everybody not just the person who may have triggered it. So you see how my poor wife may suffer the brunt of my disconnection even if she didn’t cause it.

So, I’ve been working on remaining open and relational even when I am stressed or feel hurt or threatened. To tell you the truth, it seems like every time I heal one layer there’s a deeper layer that God reveals that needs a deeper healing. The word trauma means soul-wound according to Gabor Mate. In order for me to love my wife better, Jesus needs to heal my soul. This doesn’t just affect my wife of course. It means that I can love everyone better. My kids. My parents. My sister. My friends. My co-workers. My church group. My neighbours. Everyone.

But back to the opening verse, do you see that it also means that I can love God better? What I discovered that led me to this verse is that as I healed, I was able to stay connected to Holy Spirit better. I hid less when I sinned. I was able to hear Holy Spirit better even when I was stressed. I was better able to leave my heart open to receive the love that I so desperately needed and God so desperately wanted to pour on me.

God showed me that I only have one heart. The same heart that loves my wife is the same heart that loves Him. Wholeheartedness is not an option. Healing is not an option. If we are to obey the greatest commandment to love God with all our hearts then we must work on our relationships. It is in that pursuit that traumas are unearthed, wounds healed and hearts made whole.

Working on loving others is working on loving God because you’ve only got one heart!

Copyright 2023, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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Rated XOX

It’s 2022! Happy New Year! And what better way to start the year than with some steamy, passionate sex! Yes, this is still a Christian blog 😊.

Christian mystics throughout the ages have used sexual union as a powerful metaphor for spiritual union with God.  It was Saint Paul (a chaste man, ironically) who said, ““A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one.”

In my journey toward wholeness and holiness, I have been wrestling with my sexual brokenness. Years of distorted sexual messages and experiences have configured my mind in such a way that seeing the divine intent in sexual intimacy is a challenge.

To explain let me share a quote from one of the many books I’m currently reading (I may have mentioned before that I’m a book junkie).

“…desire is one of the greatest gifts we can give to another. It is the gift of receptivity. Being received by someone in love, whether in a physical or spiritual way, is one of the most life-affirming experiences we can have. When a wife opens herself to receive a husband in sexual intimacy, or when a trusted friend allows you to share your deepest hurts or hopes with them, you feel seen. These are healing, expansive encounters. And they mirror the inner life of the divine.”

Kelly Deutsch – Spiritual Wanderlust: The Field Guide To Deep Desire

This truth-speaking from Kelly Deutsch caused my soul to leap. I knew it held some truth that I needed to hear although I did not quite get it at first. As often happens, my mind railroaded me with distractions. The provocative phrase ‘when a wife opens to receive a husband’ filled my mind with a flood of images that seemed much too dirty to be associated with God. I struggled with these seemingly opposing forces in my being. Should I go deeper or turn away? Should I be thinking of God this way? Curiosity and shame locked horns.

Only God Himself could help me sort through this entanglement and see what was true. So, I took my thoughts to Him in my usual morning devotions, and this was what I heard Him say:

“Matik, We want you to know that We see your confusion. We see your struggle to untangle your thoughts and desires. We see your heart and mind straining to see purely; to see Us clearly. We see the condemnation that tries to infect as you struggle with your sexuality; your sexual desires entangled with the deepest desires of your heart, and your thoughts toward and about Us. Know this Matik, We are never ashamed. And We are not ashamed of you or shamed by your thoughts. Bring them all to be reconciled at the cross. We can handle it.”

He always knows what to say 😊. My Saviour accepts me; receives me; as I am; unconditionally. He is not waivered or put off by the immature and incompetent bumbling thoughts of a child struggling to comprehend concepts much bigger than himself.

Soothed by the reassuring love of my Papa I was able to push past the surface and lean into the mystery that He wanted to reveal to me… Sexual intimacy is not just the heated sating of physical appetites but two hearts longing to be seen completely, known fully and in the context of that full disclosure to still be desired, wanted and cherished. To have all our flaws and imperfections exposed and still be found desirable. We want to be wanted for who we are without having to pretend or perform. We want to be affirmed that we are beautiful after all. This is what we truly seek, and this is what only God can truly provide in full measure.

God wants to be with you, with no barriers and pretenses (naked), know you fully (inside and out) and have you look into His eyes and see only hot desire and unconditional love for you. Not only that, but He wants to be known by you too, and wanted by you (if you can accept the thought). God is constantly revealing Himself to us for the explicit purpose of captivating us with His incomparable beauty and eternal love in the hopes that we would set our hearts rapturously upon Him and open ourselves to receive Him.

As I said, there is no better way to start this new year than with a passionate love encounter with the Lover of your soul! May He satisfy you all the days of your life and into the blessed union of eternal bliss!

Copyright 2022, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

If you haven’t yet, check out our FREE Spiritual Growth Foundation Course in which we cover the four foundational principles for spiritual growth and much more! In addition to on-demand videos which you can watch at your leisure, there are downloadable handouts for those who prefer written content.

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An Emotional Christian?

God has been speaking to my wife, Tricia, and me for months now about our emotional wholeness. The picture that I had in my head of a mature Christian is a stoic guy, resolutely following God and not being swayed or distracted by his emotions.  Moreover, he always has his ‘negative’ emotions under control. He never shows anger. He is never fearful, and he’s definitely never depressed. But I’ve been asking myself, “Is this picture an accurate one?”

To begin with, the bible captures God displaying a variety of emotions. Here’s a small sample:

Genesis 6:6 (ESV)

And the Lord regretted that he had made man on the earth, and it grieved him to his heart.

Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV)

The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

Matthew 14:14 (ESV)

When he went ashore he saw a great crowd, and he had compassion on them and healed their sick.

John 11:35 (ESV)

Jesus wept.

Hmmm God seems so… emotional. Doesn’t that reconfigure your framework for how we, human beings created in His image, are supposed to function? God created our emotions. In fact, on the sixth day, God looked at all that He had made (including mankind, fresh from the dirt, with emotions and all) and said that it was very good!

As I mentioned, Tricia and I seem to be in an emotional masterclass at the moment. My knowledge gap is huge, but I’ve been learning.  After attending emotional intelligence training and a LOT of reading, I thought I would share some of what we’ve learned.

First of all, emotions serve a purpose. Emotions are messages. We can choose to process the messages and act on the information, or we can choose to ignore them at our own peril. It’s analogous to sensory information that goes from our senses to our brain. If we push a pin into our skin, our brain gets a pain message that tells us that if we continue pushing that pin, we will be injured. If we are touched affectionately, our brain gets a pleasure message that tells us that this is good for us. Similarly, fear, for example, protects us from danger even before it gets close enough to harm us. If we ignored our fear emotion, we would soon be dead. The interesting thing is that emotions make no distinction between physical dangers/pleasures and things that threaten or benefit our soul. The pain of loneliness can be as strong as a physical pain. It is a warning that we are too isolated from others and damaging our soul. While the joy of seeing a friend encourages us to socialize and connect with others which increases the well-being of our soul.

Secondly, every emotion is an opportunity for self-discovery or connection (or both). The message contains information about what really matters to us. The messages tell us about our heart and processing those messages with God and those close to us creates intimacy because sharing our heart is one of the most relationship-building things we can do. Here’s an example: Tasha comes home after a really stressful day at work. She is looking forward to spending time with her husband, Rico. However, she gets home to a note that says that Rico has gone golfing. She is disappointed. When Rico does get home, he notices that Tasha is a bit cold and begins to get angry assuming that Tasha is angry because he went golfing. This is the moment of opportunity. Any married couple knows that this could easily lead to a bitter argument and disconnection if both Rico and Tasha ignore ‘the signals’ that their emotions are sending them. Let’s assume they get it right: Rico processes his anger and realizes that he is jumping to conclusions and asks Tasha if anything is wrong. Tasha processes her disappointment and tells Rico how much she needed his love and comfort and her disappointment on realizing that he was not home in such an impersonal way. Rico responds by moving closer to her and empathizing with her pain. He apologizes for not calling instead of leaving a note and suggests a movie in bed. The couple ends the night with their relationship significantly strengthened because Tasha allowed Rico to see how much he means to her and Rico reciprocated his value for her by being tender with her vulnerability and prioritizing her needs. (If only I was as emotionally intelligent as Rico!)

Emotions have gotten a bad rep in the modern Christian life. We are so concerned about not being controlled by our emotions that we have completely ignored a necessary aspect of what it means to be a healthy and Godly human. While it is true that emotions should not control us, we are not meant to be left-brained, rational machines. By sheer neglect of our souls, we have become half-hearted creatures trying to love God and people with our minds and a seriously malnourished heart. Not to mention we foolishly think we can love through an act of our will only.

Consider our fictitious couple again. Suppose Rico did everything the same except his face never reflected the pain that Tasha felt. His eyes were cold and his suggestion to watch a movie seemed to be made begrudgingly. He did and said all the right things, but his emotions were not in it. Do you think that would affect the outcome? You bet it would! Love is both will AND emotion. Our love of God and others cannot be decision and duty only. It must also be fully experienced and deeply felt. We have been trying to build relationships with God, marriages, families, and communities of love based on a rational approach that neglects the emotional attributes of our beings. It has not been working.

By neglecting my emotional signals, I have been neglecting my heart. I am dysfunctional (but not uncommon). I am not loving God with my whole heart, my whole mind, and my whole soul and neither am I loving others as God loves me. God pursues me with a jealous love! His love for me is ferocious! Mine is not nearly as hot. I have learned a pattern of behaviour that is not according to design. I have learned to suppress my ‘negative’ emotions and to avoid the vulnerability of intimacy. I have learned to neglect my heart. The process of unlearning is slow and difficult, but Tricia and I are committed to it because we were made to live wholeheartedly! To live passionately! We all are!

Copyright 2021, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

If you haven’t yet, check out our FREE Spiritual Growth Foundation Course in which we cover the four foundational principles for spiritual growth and much more! In addition to on-demand videos which you can watch at your leisure, there are downloadable handouts for those who prefer written content.

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A Mile in My Shoes

Being a man is not as glamourous or as easy as some women (and men) would make it out to be. We just don’t talk about it. And that’s the problem. The media is littered with the struggles women face in the workplace and in the family but there is a noticeable void when it comes to the challenges unique to the male gender. This in and of itself is one of the biggest challenges men face. We believe manliness includes the projection of strength at all times. This is one of the great issues of our time. It is destroying families, churches, corporations and countries. Men will not be vulnerable, show weakness, seek help or admit failure until they are forced to do so by a catastrophic crash.

I am particularly passionate about this culture of machismo and bravado in the church world because I see the wake of destruction it is causing. I am sure that almost every moral failure of every religious leader could be traced back to a point where the problem was still in its infancy but there was no space in the culture to be open about their problems. To admit that ‘we all sin’ is the biggest sin. It would mean being shamed, judged and demoted. Leaders must be infallible. The enemy, ably assisted by bible-thumping ‘perfect’ pastors worldwide, has used this culture to keep men of God in a morass of moral stagnancy for decades. True transformation begins with the space to ‘confess’ failure safely and receive help not condemnation. *Exhale* I digress..

So, I thought that in this blog I would give some insight into some of my personal struggles as a way of giving some insight into the male psyche and taking a small stand against this destructive definition of masculinity. I was actually grappling with these thoughts (by myself of course) amid the normal daily chaos of family life when I came across a podcast by my cousin and his friends titled Toxic Masculinity. That podcast inspired me to share my story.

I consider myself the leader of my family. I know this is, perhaps, a traditional view of the family structure, but I believe it is still a widely held belief (although most might not admit to it outright). Certainly, it is a common belief in the Judeo-Christian world. I start here because it sets the context for most men of the psychological pressures that we face as husbands and fathers. This has less to do with power and much more to do with responsibility. I abhor submission doctrines that are really tantamount to domination doctrines. I view my wife as co-leader of our family, but I still feel a great responsibly to provide for and protect my family. It’s just how I am wired and how many men I talk to are wired. This is not just in a financial and physical sense but also in an emotional sense. I want my wife and children to feel loved and I want them to be happy and I feel a great sense of responsibility to provide an environment that makes that happen.

As a disciple of Christ, I understand that the best thing I can do for my family is to follow God wholeheartedly. I know that if I align myself and my family with His will everything will be optimal. However, the problem I face is this – who determines what is God’s will? Do I? Does my wife? The children? We all believe we know the right way and often we are not in agreement. This is exacerbated in a blended family like mine.

In a blended family there are two sets of adults and children with distinct and unique cultures and traditions coming together to live in one house. Conflict is inevitable and inevitably each parent feels like the one caught in the middle. For me, on one hand, my wife wants my support in enforcing things the way she believes they should be done and if I don’t it makes her look like the evil stepmother. On the other hand, my children want things to remain as they were before and if I take her ‘side’ it’s evidence that I love her more than them and everything is now about her. This is the tightrope I have to walk every day and it is TOUGH.

Constantly, I find myself in the middle trying to make everyone see things from the other’s point of view. This scenario is not just between my wife and my children. It’s between her biological children and my biological children. It’s my children’s mother who has concerns about what’s affecting her children in my house. Its grandparents who have their own views of how we are bringing up the children. In each case, I am trying not to just brush them off but to actively listen, to hear the heart behind the words and ultimately to have a response that is filled with the wisdom and compassion of God and that reconciles and not divides.

If I did not care what God thought, it would be easy! I could just ignore everyone. “You can’t let your children run your home!” the parental pundits say. (Far less listen to your ex-wife’s concerns). But that’s not an option for me because my God teaches humility and compassion and to value EVERYONE. Many (if not all) Christian counselors say that husbands should put their wives first and children second, but I cannot subscribe to that in a blended context. Children in a blended family desperately need to know that they haven’t suddenly become second-rate citizens.

So, I find myself many times pleasing no one and everyone feeling that I favour the others. This is the defining feeling of being a man for me. The feeling that there is no one emotionally supporting me. I have to be the voice of reason, the inspirer, the pray-er, the optimist, the visionary, the reminder of God’s promises, the bigger person and reconciler to everyone and expect no empathy for my role. Often, I feel emotionally blackmailed into a decision and when it backfires, I beat myself up for listening to my wife or my children instead of doing what I felt was right.

But this is not THE truth. In a sense, it’s a prison of my own making because I am actually surrounded by supportive people! The truth is that my wife is my #1 cheerleader and support. In fact, she could be having the worst day but if she knows that I am struggling she immediately switches to full on support mode. I also have children (some more than others) that say, “Thank you dad for all you do for me.” Honestly, there has not been a moment in my life when I’ve had more support than right now. Yet, I still often feel overwhelmed because I still feel that it’s my job to be the strong one for them.

More recently, God has been teaching me to give my burdens to Him. I’ve always known this in theory… I could say the prayer, “Lord I give my burdens to You” but now more than ever I am learning how to practice this exchange of my anxiety, frustration and fatigue for His security, love and refreshing in tender moments of intimacy with Him each morning. It’s a beautiful place.

Well that’s my story. I would love to hear what being a man feels like for you.

Copyright 2021, Matik Nicholls.
All rights reserved.

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Connection vs. Separation

The issue of connection versus separation continues to resonate with me so much that I decided to continue the topic this week. I have repeatedly had to be coached by the Spirit to build bridges that nurture relationship with friends, co-workers and neighbours rather than say things that destroy the relationship simply because I felt I had a just cause.

We will always have points of disagreement with others. That is just a fact of life. Even (especially?) in the church. Different denominations will have different doctrines. Different churches within the same denomination will have variations in interpretation or practice. Even members within the same congregation can have very distinct beliefs.

How does our Father and the Head of the Church, Jesus Christ, want us to address this reality? Especially when it comes to disagreement on issues of morality or our faith?

I believe the first thing that God wants is humility. We don’t get to decide who is worthy of our love or our relationship. God does. We also do not get to decide who is part of the Body of Christ and we are not the foremost authority on church doctrine. We have to be able to genuinely admit that we may ourselves believe some things that are not accurate. This should be easier for any Christian who has been walking with Christ for some time. Any Christian with a decade or more of growth under his belt I am sure can look back and say, “Boy did I have a wrong view of that particular issue or of life in general.”

The second step is a determination to choose love over fear. Most people choose separation rather than connection because we are afraid of one or both of two things:

  1. Contamination – the other person/church with the ‘bad’ belief system or lifestyle will cause us or our flock to go astray.
  2. Defamation – if other people see us with this ‘bad’ person or at that ‘bad’ church, they will think we believe or condone what they do.

Both paradigms are based on fear and fear is from the enemy. Perfect love casts out all fear. Jesus modelled God’s love when dealing with people with different beliefs or sinful lifestyles. He ate with sinners and talked with Samaritans. We have been given the ministry of reconciliation and peace-making not division.

I am confident that God wants us to connect with others in humility and love because that is what He did. God could have stayed in heaven, separate from our filth, but He didn’t. Instead he chose to become vulnerable, connecting with us in physical form, in our filth. He came and viewed the world from our viewpoint even though we were sinners and heretics.

As sons of God we must choose love. When I see the amount of content posted online by Christians dedicated to discrediting and pulling down other Christians it makes me smad (sad and mad at the same time 😉). It’s perfectly normal to disagree with others. It’s healthy to have dialogue directly with that person to exchange viewpoints. But to cut off relationship with that person is a step that should not be taken lightly (I don’t mean that you have to become friends or partners. Just relate.) And, it is a whole next level to defame/slander that person to others.

James 4:11-12

11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

Let us please change this paradigm of separation. Let us mature in our ability to disagree with others while simultaneously remaining committed to relationship and love. You cannot influence anything that you are not connected to. Believers are described by Jesus as the salt of the world. Do you think that we can live this identity by staying separate, keeping our salt nice and clean in our holy saltshakers?

We also cannot influence anything if we are not willing to be ourselves influenced. We must embrace vulnerability because connecting with people who we disagree with means that we must be open to the possibility that we could actually learn something from them that makes us see a different view of life and adjusts our understanding of reality. I believe this is exactly what God intended. The complexity of God cannot be contained in just one person’s viewpoint. And therefore, we will never mature and come to the fullness of Christ unless we are equipped by that which each part of the body supplies. And this is what I believe is ultimately at stake – the maturity of the church. Let us choose to mature. Let us choose to connect.

Copyright 2020, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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Deeper Is Better Than Broader

 

When it comes to relationships, deeper is better than broader. A meaningful relationship with one person is better than one hundred Facebook friends. Why is that Matik? Well I’m glad you asked! It’s because the real value of a relationship is only experienced when people can be real, and people can only be real when enough trust has been established to allow the vulnerability that being one’s true self entails.

Somewhere I read that disclosure is the currency of intimacy and it has stuck with me because it’s absolutely true. Relationships deepen as we share a little about our true thoughts and true feelings and if we are not rejected or mocked or judged but rather accepted then we share a little more. Then the other person may feel safe to share as well and soon enough a real friendship is established. The ultimate example of this should be a married couple of course. If you cannot be absolutely yourself with your spouse and feel absolutely safe, then something is amiss.

But why do I say that these intimate relationships are better than all the other platonic ones that we have? For two reasons:

1.  In any relationship in which you are not authentic, where you are keeping it professional, or where you are only showing your best side, you are missing opportunities for growth. You are missing opportunities for suggestions and feedback that could make your life dramatically more enriched. For example, when I go on business trips I like to share the challenges that my organization is currently facing with my business contacts because this has always been an amazing generator of partnerships and opportunities for my company. You never know what solutions and mutually beneficial relationships are out there unless you share. This principle has also been true in my personal friendships. People carry around a wealth of wisdom that they have gained through their experiences that you may never benefit from unless you have a real conversation with them. On the most intimate level, everyone needs love and to be known and accepted. Sharing your innermost self is a risk but the rewards are huge. Your soul blossoms in love. Usually but not always we get this kind of unconditional love from our parents, but they need not be the only ones. They should not be the only ones.

2.   Of course, this works both ways. The people in your life also need you. The real you needs to show up because your family and friends need to see your awesomeness. You have something that no one else can give. You are a walking growth opportunity for those around you. This is not giving advice (nobody really takes advice from someone they do not feel connected with anyway). This is more than that; it’s sharing your soul. Your naked soul is beautiful and speaks without you saying a word.

Let me tell you a story. Last Sunday morning I woke up and I did not feel like going to church. I felt like I should just spend some time taking it slow. You know, a lazy family kinda morning. “But I can’t, I have a friend that I promised to take to church and I have to lead worship” I thought. I had good reasons and skipping church can’t be a good thing, right? Then my friend messaged to say that she was not going to church. Hmmm, one excuse down but I still had to lead worship. So, I went to pick up my two youngest children who had spent the night at my parents house. They were in the same mood and I knew I would be late if the tug-of-war to get them out the house ensued. They were about to sit with my parents at the breakfast table where a pile of hot pancakes was waiting. You get the scene. I still ignored my instincts and went to church without them. Guess what? There was some mix-up and we were locked out of the church building that we use.  Eventually, I went back by my parents, but I knew that I had missed it. I had missed a moment to laugh and talk and deepen relationship with my children and parents.

I love my brothers and sisters at my church, but relationships aren’t built in a church service. If we are not intentional about it, we can be the most regular church-service-goers; smiling, shaking hands and giving hugs and it can all be meaningless because it’s all superficial. Choosing one brother or sister to call regularly or hang out with can be that monumental step from going to church toward being the church.

Now don’t get me wrong this is risky, messy business. Our true selves aren’t pretty sometimes and building meaningful relationships takes work. There will be hurts, misunderstandings, rejections…these are the risks but the rewards far far outweigh them! This message is doubly applicable to men whom I have found to be the most superficial creatures. You can have a friendship with a guy for decades and talk about nothing more impactful to his core being than football. We really need to step up men.

Go deep my friends and you will be rewarded with authentic joy!

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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True Strength

First of all, I just want to announce that I’ve moved the Authentic Joy blog to its own Facebook page. So for those of you that use Facebook to stay connected, please like the page and share and comment. I would love to hear from you! 🙂

Launching this blog in October and connecting with you all over these past months has been a blast. Thank you all for your support! Feedback that I have often received is that my willingness to be so open is appreciated, so I thought I would talk a little more about that this week.

Strength, especially masculine strength, too often has been portrayed as having a veneer of invincibility and success. To quote my cousin’s Facebook post: “Men are so obsessed with acting strong and not showing and weakness or emotion, the exact opposite happens. Everyone has feelings. It’s ok to acknowledge and deal with them.”

We are caught in the gravitational pull of the image of invulnerability as a laudable quality. But if we can break out of this futile orbit to nowhere, the stars await! Because invulnerability is not the truth; it’s not real. If we can let go of the image of strength, we can begin to actually develop true strength. Many leaders still feel that there are things they MUST NEVER show at all costs. Things like weakness, discouragement, failure, disappointment, fear and being wrong. I’ve seen this with businessmen and I’ve seen it with pastors.

This charade has two important ramifications:

  1. Leaders rarely get the help they need. Every church scandal can be traced back to a leader who was too ashamed of his struggles with sin to let people know. And how many business initiatives have failed because somebody could not admit that they were wrong or that they did not have the answer?
  2. Followers are not engaged with leaders in a growth process. To begin with, nobody is inspired by inauthentic leadership. We know when someone is selling us a load of crap disguised as sunshine. Secondly, nobody grows; not the leader and not the followers who typically mimic the leader to survive. You cannot develop courage in the face of fear or failure without acknowledging the fear or failure.

The great news is that the charade is being exposed! Brené Brown is at the forefront of a movement to recognize the power of vulnerability! It should not go unnoticed that this message comes from a woman and the lessons we can learn about the value of the female voice in leading much needed change at all levels in our fairly paternalistic society. She says, “I believe that vulnerability – the willingness to be “all in” even when you know it can mean failing and hurting – is brave. I do NOT believe that cussing and praying are mutually exclusive.” You can read more about her message here: https://brenebrown.com

The fact is that real strength, real courage, is showing your weakness; being vulnerable in the face of challenges.

This is, in effect the story of Christmas. The hero comes to save the world and enters in the most vulnerable of ways. Jesus doesn’t come as a towering angel or powerful warrior king. He comes as a helpless baby born in a stable to parents who haven’t yet consummated their marriage. Weak and poor at the bottom of society. He understood where real strength lies.

So essentially, what I have been trying to say through this blog is, “It’s ok to talk about mistakes and failure and hurts and fears. It’s ok to be vulnerable. We all face these demons but let’s not do it alone anymore. Let’s help each other and engage each other in a community of growth and support.” I know no better way to do that than by sharing the good, the bad and the ugly of my own story.

We are stronger together!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls