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Author: Matik Nicholls

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Parenting Is Hard

Parenting is hard enough but single co-parenting (a term I just invented to mean when you are not in a relationship with the other parent) is ten times as hard. As I came down from the euphoria of vacation and the cold water of reality splashed my face, this was one of the harsh realities of my life that met me at the door.

“Daddy, you don’t spend any time with us,” was the latest issue. It was not something that I hadn’t heard before, but the complaint seemed to be getting louder. It’s an issue that I find particularly frustrating because their point of view and mine are so far apart. They take for granted the fact that I changed by working hours and hardly ever work late just so that I can drop them to school in the morning and see them in the evening. They don’t know how much of a social life I forego just to be present in their lives. They have no clue and they probably never will until they have children of their own.

What exacerbates the issue is that their reference point is their mother who is a stay at home mom. She has the advantage of being at their beck and call 24-7 if she chooses. In a ‘normal’ family where the mother is at home, I guess she would help the children to understand that daddy has to work etc. I unfortunately, have to deal with the opposite dynamic.

Thus, when I sat down to have a heart to heart with my kids I tried to discern not only what they were saying but how they really felt. It was clear that they did not feel unloved or neglected but they did want more meaningful time with me doing things that they like. I realized that with my daughter’s preparation for the big SEA exams and their extra-curricular schedule, most of our time was spent being busy. Busy getting ready for school, busy getting ready for bed, busy getting ready for lessons, busy getting to football training, busy, busy, busy…

So, despite how skewed their viewpoint might be, there was inside there some truth that I could not ignore. I weighed my options.  What more I could do to be a better dad? I weighed the wants versus the needs. Children always want. A significant challenge is always to give them what they need not necessarily what they want. What could I do that would answer the need in their lives? What was I willing to give up? That question brought me right up against another significant challenge; finding the balance between sacrificing for your children without sacrificing your health.

In the end, I gave up one football sweat a month and my Saturday morning run would be reduced to every other week. In exchange I would have some more unhurried time with my children. I’m not expecting huge outpourings of gratitude and that doesn’t matter to me. My fulfilment is in their success as Godly, loving, happy, contributing human beings. In their eyes, compared to their mother, I might still be the second-rate parent, but I believe their hearts know better. I can feel it in their hugs.

Parenting is hard but anything worthwhile is hard.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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Find Your Peeps

The second week of my vacation/retreat started when I picked up my girlfriend, Tricia, in the airport and we drove from Sacramento to Redding. There is just something about road trips! We talked, sang, prayed and laughed all the way. We passed the town of Yolo and of course we had to shout “YOLO!” every time we saw a sign. Then we passed huge stacks of hay and of course we had to go, “Haaaay!” (obviously). This is what happens when you put two corny people in one vehicle for an extended period.

We also kept passing these fields of beautiful flowering trees and eventually curiosity got the better of us and we had to stop to find out what they were and take a picture. Turns out they were cherry trees and they were also highly secured with electric fences and surveillance cameras. (Don’t ask how we got the photo above).

The main purpose of our trip was to attend a conference at Bethel Church in Redding. However, we had a couple free days, so we decided to drive to the Trinity Shasta National Forest and Lake. More road trips! And beautiful scenery. It was a unique experience to see the landscape change to snow as we ascended the mountains.

Then there was the conference. It was epic! It was one of those times when you feel the weight of purpose over your life. We knew this was not a chance event; we were supposed to be there! Again, I was overcome with gratitude as I realized what a privilege it was to have a bff who is as excited as I am about Jesus. I don’t mean just to find someone who is a Christian. I mean a person who will get excited about spending her vacation at a church conference. A person who is intentional about investing in her spiritual growth. Not all Christians are like that, but Tricia certainly is and I’m thankful that she is in my life.

But before this turns into a really soppy post (puke), that’s not all that I was grateful for… There were hundreds of people from over forty-five countries at the conference who were just like us! It reminded me how important it is to find your peeps. Whatever your thing is, it’s important to find the people who are as crazy about it as you are. Whether it is Star Trek, running or rock collecting, find your peeps. Nothing will motivate you to go further and to hone your craft like gathering and sharing what you are passionate about with other like-minded individuals.

Well that brings my California trip to an end, but I expect this time of renewal and retooling will be bearing fruit for many months to come. I enjoyed sharing it with you and I hope it inspires you in some way to invest in yourself.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls.

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We Are All Connected

As my week in Lake Tahoe comes to an end, I am thinking back on all that I experienced, and I’m filled with gratitude. I don’t take it for granted. Any of it. Some of the highlights were:

  • The snowboarding of course! Having only done it once before, I was thrilled that I was able to be up and riding and enjoying the adrenaline rush of careening down the various intermediate runs without any serious difficulties.
  • The scenery! Coming from the Caribbean, the Lake Tahoe scenery probably washed over me with a freshness that comes with unfamiliarity. Every lift ride back up the mountain was filled with awe and a sacred gratitude. I was fascinated by the difference in weather from the first day I arrived to the last day I left. When I arrived it was snowing and visibility was low. The next day the sun came out to caress a landscape of trees adorned with white frosting. And two days later the trees were all green with a carpet of white underneath as the snow had melted off. The fabulous view of Lake Tahoe from the top of the Tamrack Express lift was one of my favourite views.
  • I was able to complete the first draft of Authentic Joy the novel! I can safely say that my first book will be published this year. So, look out for it folks!

The thing I want to focus on today though is the interactions with the people I met on my trip. Everyday I would take a cable car ride (or The Gondola as they call it) up to the top of the mountain in the morning and back down in the evening. I learned so much during those short rides.

My first thought was, “The world has really become so much smaller.” Every single person I met knew where Trinidad & Tobago was and most had a friend, or roommate or in-law who was a Trinbagonian. Twenty years ago, when I first travelled to the US, that was not the case at all.

Everyone was friendly and welcoming. I met an older lady who used to come skiing with all her girlfriends and they had all stopped for one reason or another, so it was only her and her granddaughter now. I spoke with a lady who had a baby, so she and her husband took turns skiing while the other stayed with the baby. A retired couple told me how the wife had started skiing at 50 because her husband loved it so much and now they were both avid skiers. There was an ex-navy guy who skied in the winter and mountain-biked in the summer and had a brother who surfed like me. He also knew a guy who mountain biked with George Bush Jr. while he was president of the US and said that he was unbelievably fit.

I think the best gondola ride though, was the last one of my trip. It was a full ride. There were seven of us. Three girls and two guys formed a group, while another lady and I were travelling alone. By the time we exited the gondola we had learned that one of the girls was pregnant, her partner was colour blind, the other couple was getting married, the wedding had been moved up by two years, the guys were brothers, they had a lovely aunt who was a bit overweight and many other sundry details. The gondola ride was dubbed “Gondola Ride Confessions” and we exited laughing as we went our separate ways.

I love those experiences! People always wonder how I can travel alone but I never feel lonely. I enjoy the time with myself, meeting new people and communing with nature. At the end of my week in Lake Tahoe I have such a renewed sense of our universal oneness; that we are all connected, with each other and with nature itself.

My girlfriend tells me that the giant redwoods of California always grow in groves because their roots all connect and intertwine underground forming a giant support network. We are all connected. Let’s live that truth daily.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls

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Always Play To Your Strengths!

Greetings from beautiful Lake Tahoe. The snow-covered trees look like a fairy tale. Well, my first day skiing was a disaster. I SUCK at skiing. I spent the whole day falling on the beginner run. By the end of the day I knew that if I wanted to enjoy the rest of my days on the slopes I had to switch back to what I was reasonably good at – snowboarding. I went to the rental store and traded in my skiis for a board.

Day 2 was epic! After a couple runs on the beginner slope to refresh my memory, I was off to the intermediate runs. It was a good reminder that you don’t have to be good at everything. You will be more successful and have more fun in life if you play to your strengths.

Sometimes this is counter-cultural. We are trained to focus on our weaknesses. The focus of every appraisal and all professional development seems to be on what we need to improve. But that is not the only way and maybe not even the best way to approach your job or even your life. There is another school of though that says that your strengths (or gifts) are the most valuable assets that you bring to your work and your life and it is usually what gives you the greatest fulfilment. So in every situation look to see how you can best utilize your strengths and where you see a hole that you can’t fill, team up with someone with a strength in that area.

There is an online assessment tool that helps you to find your top strengths; www.gallupstrengthscenter.com. The results are not always what you expect. For instance, my top strength is Connectedness…. I never thought of connectedness as a strength. Then I read the description:

Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger. Some may call it the collective unconscious. Others may label it spirit or life force. But whatever your word of choice, you gain confidence from knowing that we are not isolated from one another or from the earth and the life on it. This feeling of Connectedness implies certain responsibilities. If we are all part of a larger picture, then we must not harm others because we will be harming ourselves. We must not exploit because we will be exploiting ourselves. Your awareness of these responsibilities creates your value system. You are considerate, caring, and accepting. Certain of the unity of humankind, you are a bridge builder for people of different cultures. Sensitive to the invisible hand, you can give others comfort that there is a purpose beyond our humdrum lives. The exact articles of your faith will depend on your upbringing and your culture, but your faith is strong. It sustains you and your close friends in the face of life’s mysteries.

Life becomes a lot more joyful when we know our strengths and play to them! See you soon, I’m heading back up the mountain!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls

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Transformation versus Conformation

It’s carnival Monday and I am in the cold mountains around Lake Tahoe, California, USA. For those who don’t know, carnival in Trinidad and Tobago is a festival where we dress up and dance in the streets for two full days. It is full of vibrancy, music, revelry and wild abandon. I love it! So why am I, a full-blooded Trinbagonian, in Lake Tahoe?

Well to answer that question I first wish to say why I’m not in Lake Tahoe. I’m not here because a pastor said I should not be involved in carnival. I’m not here because the bible speaks against revelry, debauchery, drunkenness and licentiousness (big words that essentially mean abandoning one’s self-restraint in the enjoyment of sensual pleasure). I’m not here because some Christians might judge me and say that I am Christian yet I’m taking part in carnival.

You see, I came to a realization many years ago that I am not interested in conformation and God is not in that business either. I realized that I cannot live a life where I act in a manner that is at odds with my desires and what gives me pleasure. That path never resulted in more joy or a better internal quality of life. It was a tortured existence. All authentic change must be driven by a deep internal desire on the inside (transformation) not pressure to conform from the outside. It must be that we are aiming for something more pleasurable, something better, something of greater value to the quality of our life if we are to really change.

This is exactly what the bible teaches by the way. It is said in many different ways; “Repent for the kingdom of God is here”, “Lose your life to gain eternal life”, “Sell all you have and buy the pearl”, “Do not be conformed to the world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind”. The theme is immutable, there is not virtue in asceticism and self-denial UNLESS there is a greater prize that you are aiming for.

If I am going to change and leave behind something good, it must be for something better. Hence, why I am here at Lake Tahoe. I am on a mission, a retreat and an adventure. I am taking a step back from the noise to regenerate, introspect and draw closer to God. I am going to try skiing for the first time! I am going to dedicate some focused time to my writing. I am going to a Bethel Music conference to soak in the richness of the love of God and fan the flames of my love for Christ.

Each of these things bring me joy. I am excited! It is a transformation of joy to be here! To those back on my beautiful twin-island taking part in the festivities I say, enjoy! I still believe that carnival is beautiful. I chose one of my favourite carnival photos for this post. I took it at Panorama in 2010. The vibrance, creativity and primal beauty that shines at carnival is from the divine. Many of my friends, whom I admire, take part every year without being sexually promiscuous or drinking themselves into a stupor.

I hope to send some photos and updates from my adventures over these next weeks. Do what you love my friends, live your truth without shame! That’s what I am doing in Lake Tahoe!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls.

 

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What Is Life?

I live in an area that’s surrounded by forest and yesterday after I went for a short jog I took a detour into the bush. Venturing into nature is one of my favourite pastimes. For me it is deeply restorative. Yesterday, I felt more alive as the sights, sounds and smells of the forest invaded my senses.

I have always found that nature is so full of life. I was hearing several birds calling, crickets chirping and the river bubbling over the rocks. I felt, heard and saw the breeze blowing through the trees and rustling the leaves and causing branches to sway. As I stood beneath the trees pondering that thought, a question rose like bubbles to the surface of my mind, “What is Life?”.

Science says that what distinguishes living creatures from inorganic matter is:

  • Metabolism
  • Growth
  • Adapting to the environment
  • Responding to stimuli
  • Reproduction

While this is meant in a very physical sense, I began to look at it much more holistically. What does it mean for a human being to truly live.

Metabolism

We take in food and oxygen and produce waste and carbon dioxide. Other organisms depend on our waste for food and we depend on others for our food. It’s a wonderful symbiosis. But we are not only physical beings. How do we nourish our minds, our hearts, our spirit? And what do we give off to others? To live, is to be engaged in a symbiotic relationship with all of life where we give and receive in an endless rhythmic cycle. Life is an artful relationship with our world where we are both giver and receiver. If we only inhabit the role of the giver, we are already dead. If we are here only to receive, we are already dead.

Growth

We are constantly changing from the day we are born until the day we die. The inevitability of death is in fact another evidence that we are alive. Life is our continual addition to what we already know and believe. Every new experience should add to us and alter the whole. At the end of our life we should be like an old tree where every ring of its trunk tells a story. Evidences of storms and droughts and sunny days and times of plentiful rain are all written in its flesh. Our minds and hearts should be no different; constantly expanding with the providence supplied by each day of life. Life is leaving wiser and fuller than when you arrived. If we decide that we know it all already, we are already dead.

Adaptation

Our mindset has to adapt. We can’t stay stuck in the same songs from yesteryear and refuse to embrace the technology of today. We have to remain relevant. We have to learn new ways of thinking. New ways of being. New ways of expressing the variety of life. Life is about survival. If we do not change with the world we are already dead.

Responding

Inanimate objects do not respond to stimuli. Love.. no response. Hate.. no response. Our ability to relate to each other is perhaps one of the most intangible expressions of the joy of life. Everything is connected. There are trillions of interactions (stimuli and response) taking place on planet earth every second. Life is relationship. Cut off our minds and hearts from the rest of humanity and we are already dead.

Reproduction

We are hard-wired for sex. The primal urge to reproduce is powerful. Not only physically,  there is also a deep human need to leave a piece of ourselves behind or to live on in some meaningful way. We somehow know that we are meant to have impact beyond the length of our days. We want to leave a mark on the world. To live is to leave a legacy that outlives your body. If we are not fulfilling the purpose for which we were born, we are already dead.

Choose to live!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls

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The Secret To Never Giving Up

I attended a retreat recently held by Dr. Theodore ‘Theo’ Ferguson, the founder of the revolutionary movement; Leading From Above The Line. The discussions in the main were about purpose. It was a powerful reminder of the driving force that purpose plays in our lives.

It especially resounded with me because I have been wondering lately about my attempts at blogging and if they are having any impact. The facts are that there are very few likes and almost no comments or shares. I suppose what is more discouraging is that only a few of my family and friends even seem interested. I’m not sure if my own sister even reads my blog!  I mean, if your closest people don’t support you, who will?

But, this is all a perception because there are several other possible ‘truths’:

  1. Many friends have liked and commented on various articles that I guess resonated with them, but everything is just not going to resonate with everybody no matter how close they are. To be fair, I’m not as excited about some of the things they get excited about either so what’s the big deal.
  2. People don’t have time to read all this stuff. In fact, our feeds are so inundated with stuff that many things don’t even get our attention and if they do, who has time to read everything?

So I don’t want to present my perception as facts but simply as the thoughts that sometimes discourage me (and I assume many of us).

Before saying anything more, and given that backdrop, I must say how much I appreciate those of you who have liked, commented or shared my offerings and those who have shared with me in person how much you appreciate my writings. Thank you so much for taking the time to encourage me! You don’t know how much it means to me. I also cannot fail to send out my love to the constant cheerleaders in my life (you know who you are) 😊.

Ok, so how does this link with purpose? Well, you see, even though sometimes discouragement looms, I am never unsure about continuing this journey. And that is because I KNOW that this is what I was born to do. To help others (even if it is one person) through sharing my life stories in prose is an integral part of my purpose. I get enjoyment and fulfillment from writing and from helping people. Purpose fuels our passion like nothing else! It is what will keep us going in the face of repeated failure and constant naysayers.

s Theo encouraged us at the retreat, I encourage you… find your purpose and live it!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls.

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Building International Partnerships

Hi there,

If you are interested in learning more about Building International Partnerships then please register for this executive development workshop! We will be covering all types of partnerships from customer partnerships to joint ventures.

I will be facilitating a rich and interactive experience that takes you from strategy creation through to implementation!

If you could share with your networks as well that would be greatly appreciated!

Joyfully,

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Hurt People, Hurt People

More than once this week I found myself talking to someone who was upset about how someone else had treated them. Some even went so far as to call the persons in question nasty or evil. In almost all cases there was a feeling that these ‘bad’ people needed to be called to account for their actions. What was evident was that these people felt hurt. They had been wronged in some way and were grappling with the question WHY. Why did this person say this about me? Why did they treat me this way?

I have a friend who says, “Hurt people, hurt people.” The phrase kept popping up into my mind this week as I saw it played out in the circumstances around me. In different ways, I tried to help my counterparts to understand this truism as they dealt with their pain but they too were caught in the cycle. They demanded justice for their hurt.

Richard Rohr says that pain is either transformed or transmitted. We all have pain. Some of us have deep emotional and/or psychological trauma from things that have happened in our past. It can go as far back as what happened while we were in the womb or as recent as an unhealthy relationship last month. It can be as devastating as rape or incest or as innocuous as a spouse that constantly nags or belittles. In a sense, the form is unimportant. The question is, what do we do with it?

If we understood the ramifications of not dealing with our pain, I believe we would be a lot more proactive about intentionally seeking healing (transformation). Every hurt that is not dealt with will be passed on to those around us in some form or fashion. We will mould our children based on the pain we suffered as a child. We will see our new partner through the eyes of the hurt suffered at the hands of the last one. We will lash out at the world for the wounds inflicted by someone, somewhere, sometime.

Inner healing seen this way is not a choice, it’s an imperative. The first step for me is usually one of humility. That aha moment when I realize that as much as I feet hurt, I have also inflicted hurt. I did not set out to, but I did. I am only human. We are all only human. I have had several such moments and have gone back to say I’m sorry and ask forgiveness.

Today in church the preacher talked about a world-renowned pastor whom he held in high esteem because, as well respected as he was, a child could tell him that he had done something wrong and he would be quick to apologize. There are too few men and women like this today. I have had to ask forgiveness of my ex-wife for leaving our marriage. I’ve had to ask forgiveness of my son for not being there for him. I’ve had to ask forgiveness of my pastor for walking out of his church. I’ve had to ask forgiveness of my children for shouting at them in anger. It’s not easy sometimes. Most times. OK, all the time.

If I sometimes do hurtful things then how can I hold others to a higher standard? We must also be willing to forgive others their human-ness. Whether they are sorry or not or ask forgiveness or not is irrelevant. Forgive. Only forgiveness allows us to leave that pain behind and break the cycle. The unloving parent was trying her/his best. The abusive spouse is only human. The pastor, priest, pundit or imam that hurt us is only human. The boss from hell is only human. Forgiveness is the first step on the path to inner healing.

Ideally, our religious communities should play a vital role in society of walking with us on this journey of inner healing. The church should be the societal interrupters, working with us to break the cycle of pain at work in our lives and I know many churches do play this role. The Catholic Church actually has a formal program called Original Pain Therapy. The journey is a tough one and many times support is needed. The church community has played this role for me, but I imagine non-religious support groups could play this role as well. Alcoholics Anonymous has been extremely effective at transforming those with addictions to alcohol. Sometimes counselling from trained professionals was also necessary for me. Sometimes just a friend with a listening ear was enough. Our paths will be as different as our pains, but I implore you, take the journey.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls.

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Start Your Day WIth Inspiration

Today I was reminded to start my day with inspiration. Before I feed my body with eggs and sausages and before I feed my mind with social media, I need to feed my soul with inspiration.

The sky looked like an artist’s impression. The wind had painted beautiful sweeping flows with the clouds from horizon to horizon. Meanwhile, in the valley where I stood sunlight raced down the side of the mountains and embraced the treetops, leaving a trail of golden glitter in its wake. The cold morning air smelled of woody trees and freshly cut grass. The kind of scent that made you breathe long, deep breaths with your eyes closed. And birds. Everywhere. Humming birds zipping by chit chittering. Blackbirds stalked their territory. A Kiskidee darted at a bug on the ground and then sat on a branch displaying its prize naturally attracting would-be thieves. Further away familiar calls rang out from birds I recognized only by sound.

Those are some words I was inspired to pen in October 2016. I chose to share it today in the hope that it would serve as a source of inspiration to start your day.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls