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The Challenge Trophy

Yesterday was the graduation ceremony for the Millennium Bible Institute class of 2017. I graduated with a certificate in Practical Theology and I was the class valedictorian, for which I received a challenge trophy. I chuckled to myself at the phrase ‘challenge trophy’ because, as I was introduced to give the valedictory address and then to receive the trophy, I was introduced as the student who challenged everything. It was no exaggeration.

Groupthink is defined as a psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences.

I have seen the treacherous nature of this phenomenon at work in the business place and in the church. Leadership plays a critical role in guarding against groupthink by maintaining a healthy environment which fosters sound decision-making outcomes. Critical to this is how leaders handle challenges to their ideas. If a leader handles a challenge without getting defensive but welcomes alternative viewpoints then people will know that it is safe to share their ideas, suggestions and feedback.

However, if a leader victimizes or bullies those who oppose his views then people will quickly learn to just follow orders and leave their brains at the door. This leads to a plethora of unhealthy outcomes. Leadership will have a distorted view of reality, there will be a poverty of rigorous thinking and creativity, a culture that fosters blame and sabotage will be created, and faulty decisions will result. The final outcome will be failed businesses and failed churches.

Early on in my career and later on in my church life I learned the value of challenging ideas. I realized that the phenomenon of groupthink was widespread, and I determined to be an outspoken, independent thinker. I challenged anybody and anything without fear or favour, not to be rebellious but because I genuinely wanted what was best for the organization and for the church. Some did not respond well to being challenged and others welcomed it.

Great leaders welcome differing views and I was fortunate enough to have a few pivotal leaders in my life who encouraged me to share my views. David Jardim, my boss when I worked at Tracmac Engineering (now Massy CAT), told me not to be a ‘shrinking violet’. Unknown to him it was something God was working on in me at the time and his words had a great effect on how I viewed myself and my contribution from then on. He started the ball rolling and it hasn’t stopped since.

Many years later I had the privilege of reporting to Eugene Tiah at Phoenix Park Gas Processors Ltd. and he was a firm believer in getting everybody’s views no matter what they were. His humility is exceedingly rare in the business world and his leadership has had a great impact on my life. Most recently I have found a rare gem in my pastor, Edward Phillips, who was also my lecturer at bible school. He too, encouraged me to challenge the status quo. “Those who challenge things,” he says, “are the ones who go on to become great scholars.”

These thoughts rolled around in my head as the graduation ceremony proceeded yesterday and I gave God thanks for placing these men in my life at the right moments to allow me to be me and to grow and to mature. I hope that I will be also be a leader like them who allows those around me to be forthright and creative and bring all that they have to contribute to the success of the wider community.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls.

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From Basingstoke WIth Love

As I sat down with mummy on the eight-hour flight heading back to Trinidad, I was reflecting on our time spent with dear friends in Basingstoke, U.K. It was the kind of trip that is best described in photographs and poetry:

When venturing to new places afar,

Especially on a mission with your mama,

You imagine the adventures that await.

But when your eye beholds the place,

And feet step to undiscovered space,

Only then the fullness breaks on open hearts.

The windows that open unto apple trees in the orchard,

And the windows that open unto mango trees in the yard,

Let in the same light that refreshes thirsty souls.

The moor hen moans by the lake.

The kiskidee call; as its namesake.

Both sing the same hymn of praise.

“Which way do you think we go now mummy?”

People bustled by as she studied the map intently.

“South to Waterloo!” brought a victorious smile on both faces.

Port and tea around a crackling fireplace at night.

Ox cheeks, grouse, hash and cod set tummies right,

And stories, jokes, open hearts and twinkling eyes shone through.

Bubbling brooks, dandelions, oaks and deer.

Enid Blyton’s storybook scenes all there.

Somehow carried a familiar tune far away from home.

But it was the same mischievous smiling eyes and dreams and plans,

And the common humanity; Clarke-Samlal, Philip-Nicholls clans,

That pealed like church bells over the meadows of Basingstoke with love.

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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What’s Your Story?

“Nicholls! What did I just say?” My Geography teacher had caught me talking to my friend. My mind raced. My subconscious had recorded what he was explaining on the board but I was not confident that I had heard it right so in the end I said, “I don’t know, Sir.” “Stand up!” I stood as he approached me. He began to draw lines on my face with his chalk. “I wonder why you don’t know.” I fought back tears as he continued to decorate on my face….

That was the day I decided that I would get top marks in Geography. I don’t know why I responded to that incident that way but I was determined that that teacher was not going to keep me down. I did not tell my parents about it. I just fought back the only way I knew how. One day I would be more successful than him and nothing could shake my resolve.

I’m currently reading the book Discover Your True North – Becoming an Authentic Leader by Bill George (which I highly recommend by the way) and he talks about the fact that your life story defines your leadership. “The journey to authentic leadership begins with understanding yourself..” he says. He goes on to talk about how we all have varied and unique life experiences which shape us and many of the leaders he interviewed for the book were defined more by their negative experiences than their positive ones.

As I turned the pages of my book, my encounter with my Geography teacher came flooding back to me. I never really considered how much that moment defined me. It would be the template I would use for dealing with unfair circumstances for years to come. Two major character traits solidified:

  1. Independence – I deal with things on my own. I hate asking for help. I handle my stories as I like to say and if you think that you can hold me to ransom by withholding some form of support or assistance, you are sorely mistaken. This is sometimes a useful trait and sometimes a destructive one. Later on in life other experiences would bring some balance. I would mature from independence to interdependence but my natural bent is still towards independence.
  2. High Self Worth – I know my value and how you treat me is a reflection of you not me. Discrimination does not phase me. As the Obamas say, “When they go low, we go high.” Some people just don’t know any better. I feel sorry for them. I don’t waste my energy on them. I invest my energy in my success which is in the hands of God alone.

I’ve seen these traits at work over and over throughout my life story. The journey towards your authentic leadership and authentic joy begins with understanding yourself. We can never find joy trying to live other people’s stories or denying who we are. Embrace who you are. Find things to love about yourself and change the things that you don’t. But if you do change, change for you not for anyone else.

By that, I do not mean you never compromise. I mean if you do compromise, you do it because of who you want to be as a person. It cannot be a change forced upon you. It cannot be primarily to keep or get something or someone you want. It has to be because of who you want to be. All authentic and lasting change comes from the inside-out. Do not give authorship of your story to any man. That path will never lead to joy.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017,  Matik Nicholls

 

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Mummy And Me

From a young age I was very independent. As a result, my parents and I were not really close in the sense that we did not discuss life issues or have regular ‘check-ups’ like I imagine other families might. My mother would always complain that my dad, my sister and I would eat dinner in front of the television instead of having family interaction. I think she yearned to be more involved in our life. I can hear her now, “You all only in front of that screen every night! No conversation!”

Then we all became born-again (Pentecostal Christians) except mummy and she felt even more alienated. There is this concept when you become a Pentecostal that your real family now becomes your Christian brothers and sisters. This is true up to a point as, of course, you want to relate with people who are as excited about Jesus as you are but sometimes we take it too far which is what I did in my early Christian years.

About three years later, at the tender age of twenty-three, I got married. Another concept that seemed part of my Pentecostal experience is the concept of ‘leave and cleave’ which means when you get married you should leave your parents and cleave to your spouse. Needless to say, the gulf between mummy and I widened. Then things changed. Five years later I was getting divorced and had left the church. Now I was on the other side and I suddenly understood what it was to be out with the out crowd.

The people who I thought were my Christian family became aloof and distant as I was now a sinner. I never knew what scorn felt like until then. It is that feeling when someone has no regard for you whatsoever. When your opinion or viewpoint has no value to the other person. On the other hand, my old friends welcomed me back and my mother was a pillar of support. Funny how life is.

That began a process of recalibration, particularly where my mother is concerned. I began to let her into my life. To treat her like her opinion matters to me because she matters to me. Through my mistakes and experiences, I slowly began to mature.

I began to understand that love is more important than ideology, much much more important. I learned that everybody can add value to your life despite differences in ideologies, arguably, the more divergent their view from yours the more valuable their viewpoint. I learned that when people make mistakes or deliberate decisions that are against the core ideologies of your faith, the job of real Christians is to love and support the person even if you don’t support the decision.

I cannot change my past mistakes but going forward I can try to be a better person. I try to improve how I treat the people in my life (actually, how I treat people in general).  I have also dedicated my life to fighting this rotten attitude in the church that threatens to undermine all that we stand for because, without love, we are nothing.

So, for the first time in my life, at the age of forty-four, I am taking my mother on a trip. Just she and I, spending a week together. A week to bond, to discover a new part of the planet together, to deepen our relationship and for me to say thanks for all that she has been in my life.

Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t wait until you are forty-four like me. I am thankful I still have the chance to do it now but our time with the ones we love is unknown. Life won’t get any less busy. Initially, I thought I did not have the time or the money but in the end, all that was stopping me was the will. Connect meaningfully with your loved ones today. It will bring you and them much joy!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Leaders Are Not Born Or Taught, They Are Wrought

Incredibly, there are still ‘leaders’ out there who believe that leadership is about position, power and control. Even if they pretend to buy in to a more up-to-date leadership paradigm, their actions tell a different story.

What is even more disheartening for me is that this paradigm of the authoritarian, all-knowing leader is pervasive in the church. This boggles my mind given Jesus taught and exemplified the credo that the greatest is the servant of all.

The modern paradigm of leadership posits that leadership is not about power or personality and therefore anybody, at any level, anywhere can be a leader. I believe that leadership at its core is about three things:

  1. Character
  2. Purpose
  3. Service

Frequently, these qualities are uncovered through trials. The crucible of pain transforms the ordinary man or woman into a great leader if he or she yields to the process.

This is what Nelson Mandela and Malala have in common. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison for his struggle against the apartheid system of South Africa. Yet, after his release Mandela emphasised reconciliation between the country’s racial groups.

Malala Yousafzai was shot in her head, neck and shoulder for speaking out against the atrocities of the Taliban in Pakistan. After recovery, she continued championing the cause for equal rights and education for girls.

In both of these stories, there is horrible injustice and persecution but amazingly the persecution does not make Mandela or Malala bitter or disillusioned. Instead they rise above and dedicate their lives to helping others who are suffering as they have suffered.

I used these examples because they are well known but this is not at all what makes them great leaders. There are countless others who we will never know about but their stars are no less luminous. In Trinidad and Tobago there is a great leader, Loverne Henry, who was gang raped while four months pregnant and two years later she created a foundation dedicated to providing mental, emotional and spiritual support for the recovery of victims of violent crimes. Truly Loverne Henry, the leader, was wrought in the burning fires of tragedy.

But what about you and me? Can we be leaders even though it is hardly likely that we will face the persecution and suffering of a Loverne or a Malala? The answer is a resounding yes! We all face trials and pain and suffering. The scale of it is not important. It could be a bully at school, an abusive or cruel parent, discrimination on the workplace, a troubled child, a difficult marriage, the loss of a loved one…. There is no shortage of fire for the furnace. What matters is our response to the fire.

To endure it and come out the other side stronger and without hate in your heart, takes character. The furnace can also force us to clarify who we really are at the very core, what is really important to us and why we are here. What is our uniqueness, our gift to the world, our passion, our purpose? And finally, on that twin foundation of character and clarity of purpose, we humbly offer ourselves in the service of others. The last step is crucial. Without service we may be great survivors but not great leaders.

I’ve had my share of hard knocks, nothing catastrophic or even uncommon, but I have paid close attention to the lessons in every trial no matter how small. I believe I am at a point where I am now beginning to have clarity about what my gift is and the humility to offer it up in service. It has taken half a lifetime in the furnace, but better late than never. This blog is certainly a part of that journey and I’m excited to see where it takes me!

My friends, don’t waste your pain in self-pity and complaining. Transform it. Use it. Become the leader you were born to be! Only you can do you! Arise and shine!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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The #1 Exit Strategy From Your Hectic Life

Wake up, get the kids ready, dress, eat, drop the kids to school, rush to work, check emails, juggle meetings, make phonecalls, squeeze in some deskwork, stop in the grocery, rush home, supervise homework, prepare dinner, eat, get the kids in bed, crash…. rinse, repeat. Sounds familiar?

This is what many of my days look like and I’m guessing that I’m not alone. Recently though, I have had some measure of breakthrough in changing how this feels for me. I’m still very productive but less hassled.

Ready for it? Here is the game changer…. We typically focus on doing more with less but instead we should be focusing on doing less, period. I know, I know, it sounds too simple. I mean, a 5 year old could have told me that, Matik! Well, the key is to be absolutely ruthless and radical about this. You see strategies that focus on tricks and tips may give success but it’s limited and usually not lasting. Lasting solutions (for anything) are usually aimed at the underlying thinking that shapes all we do.

In this case, radical change comes through a commitment to challenging every assumption about what you do and why by asking two questions  about EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO:

  1. Do I really need to do this?
  2. Do I really need to do it this way?

When you ask yourself these questions, your mind is going to quickly say, “Of course I need to do this because XYZ or, this is the only way it will work!” It’s at this point you have to ask yourself, “Why?” Keep asking it repeatedly as your mind will keep justifying your busy schedule until you force yourself to challenge your deepest assumptions.

This week I had a tele-class at 8pm. My daughter came at 7:55pm and said, “Dad can you make me some Cream of Wheat?” Immediately, my stress levels rose. “I have 5 mins! If I wait until after the class, she would go to bed too late. I have to do this now!” I rushed downstairs and then I asked myself, “Do I really need to do this?”  “No, I don’t! She is almost 12 years old, she can do this!”

I called her into the kitchen, told her she was old enough to do it herself, explained what to do and went back to my class. Now the challenge here is dealing with the objections that your mind might raise if you have been accustomed to operating in a particular way. “Is this safe? Am I being a bad parent? Am I expecting too much of her?” If you want to exit the spin cycle you have to be ruthless and do ONLY what you absolutely NEED to do.

Here’s another example. I’m currently preparing to go on vacation and already I’m dreading returning to hundreds of emails and spending the first few days frustrated with dealing with the backlog. Then I asked the magic question and had the radical thought, “What about if I just never read those emails?”  The very next day I was listening to a podcast from Michael Hyatt on “How To Vacation Like A Pro” and he said that he deletes all emails received during vacation and leaves an auto-reply that lets people know that and why. It was like a message from above! Guess what I’m going to be doing from now on?!

The possibilities are endless. I have a friend who eliminated ironing by using a dry cleaner. If you want some more examples and insights to really challenge your paradigm, I highly recommend this resource and the book by Tim Ferriss: https://fourhourworkweek.com/

Start masterminding your exit strategy today for a less hectic life tomorrow!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Emotional Resilience

“Daddy, I really liked my old school. I miss my friends. I wish I was still going there… They even painted over the motto!” my nine-year-old son whimpered as tears welled up in his eyes. Earlier that day, he had passed by the school he had known for all of his life up to now. They had closed down unexpectedly and the premises were now occupied by a new school. To add insult to injury, they had painted over the wall next to the play area which had been colourfully decorated with his former school’s motto.

It was too much for him. I imagine that that play area held many fond memories. He often fondly recounts his memories of playing football with his friend right next to that wall. He turned his face away so I wouldn’t see his silent tears. I reached across and held his hand, rubbing my thumb across the back of his palm, hoping in that small gesture to say, “It’s ok to cry. I’m here for you.”

I have always been clear about the role I want to play as a parent. I’m not here to shelter them from the storms of life but to coach and support them through the storms. I know that pain is necessary for growth. I am equally clear about the paradigm of manhood I want to instill in my boys. I want them to be comfortable expressing their emotions. I want them to know that real men cry.

So, I chose my words carefully. “It’s great that you have happy memories of those times with your friends. Thank God for them and think of the great memories and friends you are making now and those that you will make in the future in your new school. Things change. That’s how the world is. Everything changes. All we can do is be thankful for the happy times we had and move on to make new happy times.”

As I held his hand in silence for the rest of the drive I pondered my own moments of pain and unrelenting stress, how they made me stronger and how this situation would make him stronger; emotionally resilient.

Emotional resilience is not about becoming cold so that nothing affects you. It is about bending under the force of hurtful or stressful situations, maybe even suffering a fracture, but then bouncing back stronger than before. Emotionally resilient people don’t lose their emotional elasticity.

I believe in every painful situation there is a reason for joy. Not happiness which is based on your current circumstances but deep joy that some greater purpose is at work in the midst of those circumstances. It’s analogous to a ship in a storm. Without an anchor the fate of the ship is determined by the wind and the waves but a securely anchored ship has a hold at a deep place beneath the waves where there is calm and assurance.

The strength of your anchor determines your emotional resilience. My anchor has always been an indomitable belief that EVERYTHING happens for a good purpose in my life. Each storm has tested the strength of my anchor and with its passing I have gained greater confidence to face the next.

Be strong. Allow your storms to wash over you, confidently holding the knowledge that the storm will end but what you learn will serve you for a lifetime.

For some practical resources, here are 10 practices that will help you to develop your emotional resilience:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/design-your-path/201305/10-traits-emotionally-resilient-people

I would love to hear your tales of weathering the storm and if you like this article please share with others.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Welcome To My Blog

I’ve just left a business luncheon and I have a few minutes to spare so I’m sitting in the car park trying to write my first blog for the umpteenth time and…. nothing. Writer’s block on my first blog!

Then I look out the window and I see a beautiful humming bird flitting from flower to flower and I’m reminded how wondrous it is to just be. The humming bird is not thinking about the impression it’s making on the world. It’s just being a humming bird. No performance pressure whatsoever because it’s not a performance.

The grace and beauty it exudes as it hovers over one flower after another is something that can only come from doing what comes naturally, what it was created by God to do. It’s not trying to be graceful and beautiful, it can’t help it! It was created that way! It’s authentic…

I pick up my pen and start to write.

What comes naturally for the humming bird somehow seems more elusive for us. However, making living in the present a regular practice is well worth the effort.  Inhabiting the present can be very liberating. It’s where we stop doing and start being. It frees us from the fear of past failures or from the pressure of surpassing the bar set by past successes. It frees us from the worry of what the future may hold. It frees us to be who we were born to be.

Sitting in that car park, before my muse appeared, the truth was that I wasn’t in the present. I was in an imagined future. A future where my first blog was a flop. A future where I could not keep blogging consistently. Thankfully, the humming bird taught me that everything is beautiful in its time; when it’s in the present, being what it is purposed to be at that moment. I was absent from my moment, powerless to impact my world, stuck in another dimension.

What about you, where have you been living? Past? Present? Future? Is there any area in your life where you have been absent? I would love to hear from you.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls.