Tag: #love

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The Death of Ego Births Love

Two weeks ago, I took two of my sons to the beach. Having checked the swell height online, I felt the conditions might be right for them to tackle waves a bit bigger than they were used to. As soon as we arrived and I saw that beautiful sight of wave after wave breaking left and right over the reef, I was stoked. It had been a long time since I had seen such lovely peeling waves at this spot. I was immediately taken back to my younger years of days spent taking wave after wave until my arms felt like spaghetti and the sun went down. Those were good days.

I think it would be fair to say that while I was excited for the boys to experience the same thrills as I had experienced many times at this spot, I was probably more excited to finally surf some real waves. This was rare for me because our surf sessions were usually planned around the skill level of the boys.

As we paddled out, I took the lead, showing them the best route through the reef. However, they struggled to make it through the white water, and I had to go back for them and coach/assist them until we made it past the breakers. My elder boy quickly came to the conclusion that he was just going to watch us as there was no way that he was going to be taking any waves if it meant battling through those waves every time. There were about seven guys and one gal out, so I let us drift down a bit with the current that ran parallel to the shore until we were out of their way.

By this time, my youngest was looking at the waves reeling in apprehensively, but I kept encouraging him. I knew that he could do it. A smaller wave came, and I pushed him into it. He got it! My hopes for the day increased exponentially. But one hour, a few big sets, and a few wipe-outs later I was far less hopeful.  No matter how much encouragement I gave him, he was not ready mentally. He would paddle for the wave but back down every time. Eventually, I gave up and we went back inside.

He was dejected. He complained and whined as we paddled in and seemed to think that the turn of events was all my fault. I was aggravated and annoyed. The more he complained, the curter and angrier my retorts became. After we made it back to shore and after another hour or so of sulking, he finally asked, “So what are we going to do now?”

“You want to go back out and try again?” I asked.

“Ok,” he said.

As we started wading back out with our boards in hand, both of us upset, he said, “Daddy, you are not very encouraging.”

“What! All I have been doing whole day is encouraging you!” I said, flabbergasted and affronted.

“That’s not what I mean,” he continued. “You don’t encourage me when I’m down.”

As the words landed in my heart, I knew that this was the moment. This was the moment in every disagreement where you can choose love or ego. I could choose to hold on to my right to a different opinion. I could choose to hold on to my offence. I could choose to hold on to my position of parental power. And there have been many times that I have held onto those things. This time, however, I allowed the Spirit to lead and my ego to die. I did not feel particularly moved or compassionate at first. It was just a decision to really hear his point of view.

“OK, I understand what you mean now,” I said.

“So, what now? Are you going to be different?” he pressed further, giving me further opportunities to hold onto offence.

“Yes I am.” I said with a cathartic exhalation and simultaneous release of my view, my right to continue being angry.

And as I reached across to give him a hug that was when I felt the love and compassion flow from God, through me, to my son. Immediately the atmosphere shifted and even though he eventually concluded that the waves were just too big for him, it was not too big for us – our love made it through.

Letting go of ego is not easy. Perhaps, it is easiest with our children. But what about with our spouse? Or with our co-worker? Or with that person who has a different political persuasion?

Perhaps the fight that God is calling us to in this season is not that ‘righteous’ battle out there that we may be caught up with but the internal war to the death of self?

Luke 9:23-24 (ESV)

23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. 24 For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.

 Perhaps we need less of being right and more of being love?

Copyright 2020, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

To receive more content like this in your inbox and to receive a free e-copy of my book, The Primacy of The Voice of God – Elevating the Word of God to Its Rightful Position, please subscribe to www.authenticjoy.org.

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Connection vs. Separation

The issue of connection versus separation continues to resonate with me so much that I decided to continue the topic this week. I have repeatedly had to be coached by the Spirit to build bridges that nurture relationship with friends, co-workers and neighbours rather than say things that destroy the relationship simply because I felt I had a just cause.

We will always have points of disagreement with others. That is just a fact of life. Even (especially?) in the church. Different denominations will have different doctrines. Different churches within the same denomination will have variations in interpretation or practice. Even members within the same congregation can have very distinct beliefs.

How does our Father and the Head of the Church, Jesus Christ, want us to address this reality? Especially when it comes to disagreement on issues of morality or our faith?

I believe the first thing that God wants is humility. We don’t get to decide who is worthy of our love or our relationship. God does. We also do not get to decide who is part of the Body of Christ and we are not the foremost authority on church doctrine. We have to be able to genuinely admit that we may ourselves believe some things that are not accurate. This should be easier for any Christian who has been walking with Christ for some time. Any Christian with a decade or more of growth under his belt I am sure can look back and say, “Boy did I have a wrong view of that particular issue or of life in general.”

The second step is a determination to choose love over fear. Most people choose separation rather than connection because we are afraid of one or both of two things:

  1. Contamination – the other person/church with the ‘bad’ belief system or lifestyle will cause us or our flock to go astray.
  2. Defamation – if other people see us with this ‘bad’ person or at that ‘bad’ church, they will think we believe or condone what they do.

Both paradigms are based on fear and fear is from the enemy. Perfect love casts out all fear. Jesus modelled God’s love when dealing with people with different beliefs or sinful lifestyles. He ate with sinners and talked with Samaritans. We have been given the ministry of reconciliation and peace-making not division.

I am confident that God wants us to connect with others in humility and love because that is what He did. God could have stayed in heaven, separate from our filth, but He didn’t. Instead he chose to become vulnerable, connecting with us in physical form, in our filth. He came and viewed the world from our viewpoint even though we were sinners and heretics.

As sons of God we must choose love. When I see the amount of content posted online by Christians dedicated to discrediting and pulling down other Christians it makes me smad (sad and mad at the same time 😉). It’s perfectly normal to disagree with others. It’s healthy to have dialogue directly with that person to exchange viewpoints. But to cut off relationship with that person is a step that should not be taken lightly (I don’t mean that you have to become friends or partners. Just relate.) And, it is a whole next level to defame/slander that person to others.

James 4:11-12

11 Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. 12 There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?

Let us please change this paradigm of separation. Let us mature in our ability to disagree with others while simultaneously remaining committed to relationship and love. You cannot influence anything that you are not connected to. Believers are described by Jesus as the salt of the world. Do you think that we can live this identity by staying separate, keeping our salt nice and clean in our holy saltshakers?

We also cannot influence anything if we are not willing to be ourselves influenced. We must embrace vulnerability because connecting with people who we disagree with means that we must be open to the possibility that we could actually learn something from them that makes us see a different view of life and adjusts our understanding of reality. I believe this is exactly what God intended. The complexity of God cannot be contained in just one person’s viewpoint. And therefore, we will never mature and come to the fullness of Christ unless we are equipped by that which each part of the body supplies. And this is what I believe is ultimately at stake – the maturity of the church. Let us choose to mature. Let us choose to connect.

Copyright 2020, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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A Love That Fights

A couple of weeks ago I spent an afternoon at the beach bodyboarding with my eldest son. I have not gone bodyboarding since maybe I was in my twenties and it’s been a while since he and I have done something like that together, without the rest of the family. We had so much fun racing down the waves together. Just the two of us, carefree sea-buddies. I will remember that day forever.

Afterward, I dropped him home. We parted with our usual little goodbye ritual and I started the journey home. It was night by this time and as I cruised along the highway with my thoughts for company a strange feeling came over me that started with a sudden epiphany.

“He’s eighteen now! He’s an adult!”

In my mind I saw the little one-and-a-half-year-old baby the last day that I held him before the events that led to his mom and I getting divorced. I had done it. I had stayed alongside him all the way to adulthood and now here we were; father and son and more than that – buddies. I had stayed true to the commitment I made to that little baby boy to be the best father I could be to him even though I lived in a different house.

Tears ran down my face as the streetlights blurred past. But I could not understand why I was crying… Some emotion filled my soul, but I had no idea what its name was. Was it, relief? No. Was it some sort of pride at my paternal accomplishment? No, it wasn’t that either. Even as I was overcome with emotion, I struggled to understand what I was feeling.

Memories flashed through my head. It had not been easy to be the type of father I wanted to be to my son. Many times, I had to fight tooth and nail to be a part of his life while trying not to fracture the tenuous relationship with his mother which would defeat the very purpose of my effort. In truth it has been a constant battle-dance. Without God I would have failed miserably.

When I left the marriage, I became untrustworthy and when I left her church, I became a bad influence. Those two demon-labels were hell to wrestle against while I was trying to be a significant part of my son’s life. But I fought. Sometimes I lost. I did not get much say in the schools he attended. But I fought. I was not allowed to be there for his baptism. But I fought.

It was in his early teens when he had an assessment with a psychologist, and she unearthed that he had a fear of me leaving him. I was heartbroken. How could he not know that I would never leave him?? I had fought so hard to be there for him in every way I knew how. I learned that day just how insidious the enemy is and how fragile the human heart is. The enemy magnifies every event, thought and conversation that would perpetuate his nasty lies and destabilize our lives with fear. Well I was not going to let the enemy win! At the earliest opportunity I let my baby boy know in no uncertain terms that I would NEVER leave him no matter what. I know it made a difference in his heart. My only regret is not knowing sooner that I needed to say it.

As I write this, it is only now that I understand what I was feeling; what I can feel even now. It’s the feeling that you have after years of hard battle when you look back at the sacrifices, the wounds, the scars and you can say that it was worth it. The prize of the fight was worth the years of hardship on the battlefield. The love I share with my son was worth it all. This was what it was all for. There may still be many a skirmish to come and I won’t be backing down, but I can see the victory.

God spoke to me that night. He said, “I feel the same way about you. I will never leave you nor forsake you all the days of your life. My love is steadfast.” My Father knew that I also needed to hear it.

It was as if the fierce love that I felt for my son suddenly flew up out of my chest, multiplied a hundred-fold in the air and returned to encompass me – the warm embrace of my Heavenly Father. My tears also multiplied, as I understood in a new way that perfect love casts out all fear.

To receive more content like this in your inbox and to receive a free e-copy of my book, The Primacy of The Voice of God – Elevating the Word of God to Its Rightful Position, please subscribe to www.authenticjoy.org.

Copyright 2020, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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Love Is Invincible

I recently attended a wedding where a Catholic bride was wedded to a non-denominational Evangelical groom 😊. Before the nuptials his pastors had hoped that she would get ‘saved’ and baptized and her priest had impressed upon him that the Catholic Church was the only true church. They each listened politely but were unfazed. Their love for each other and respect that they had for their equally fervent but slightly unique faiths in God had been cemented in Christ by the Holy Spirit beyond the reach of doctrinal dogma.

The wedding started with the Latin song Veni Creator Spiritus, inviting the Holy Spirit. And He came. The church filled with joy, peace and love, mirroring the natural ambience created by the sunlight that filtered through the stained-glass windows and a light breeze that wafted through the sanctuary.

I suppose men will be arguing points of doctrine until Christ returns but you know what you can’t argue with? Love. God IS love.

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

Love is the greatest! There is no higher law. Everything else will fade, everything else will give way under the sheer force of love. In the midst of our dark ignorance, constant failures and stumbling faith, God will still show up… for love.

In the midst of that church, a bridge of love was forged in the Spirit. Pastor and priest joined hands with bride and groom and God smiled. Two families united and the Holy Spirit danced. A multitude of sins were covered over and Jesus was glorified.

Copyright 2019, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.
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Deeper Is Better Than Broader

 

When it comes to relationships, deeper is better than broader. A meaningful relationship with one person is better than one hundred Facebook friends. Why is that Matik? Well I’m glad you asked! It’s because the real value of a relationship is only experienced when people can be real, and people can only be real when enough trust has been established to allow the vulnerability that being one’s true self entails.

Somewhere I read that disclosure is the currency of intimacy and it has stuck with me because it’s absolutely true. Relationships deepen as we share a little about our true thoughts and true feelings and if we are not rejected or mocked or judged but rather accepted then we share a little more. Then the other person may feel safe to share as well and soon enough a real friendship is established. The ultimate example of this should be a married couple of course. If you cannot be absolutely yourself with your spouse and feel absolutely safe, then something is amiss.

But why do I say that these intimate relationships are better than all the other platonic ones that we have? For two reasons:

1.  In any relationship in which you are not authentic, where you are keeping it professional, or where you are only showing your best side, you are missing opportunities for growth. You are missing opportunities for suggestions and feedback that could make your life dramatically more enriched. For example, when I go on business trips I like to share the challenges that my organization is currently facing with my business contacts because this has always been an amazing generator of partnerships and opportunities for my company. You never know what solutions and mutually beneficial relationships are out there unless you share. This principle has also been true in my personal friendships. People carry around a wealth of wisdom that they have gained through their experiences that you may never benefit from unless you have a real conversation with them. On the most intimate level, everyone needs love and to be known and accepted. Sharing your innermost self is a risk but the rewards are huge. Your soul blossoms in love. Usually but not always we get this kind of unconditional love from our parents, but they need not be the only ones. They should not be the only ones.

2.   Of course, this works both ways. The people in your life also need you. The real you needs to show up because your family and friends need to see your awesomeness. You have something that no one else can give. You are a walking growth opportunity for those around you. This is not giving advice (nobody really takes advice from someone they do not feel connected with anyway). This is more than that; it’s sharing your soul. Your naked soul is beautiful and speaks without you saying a word.

Let me tell you a story. Last Sunday morning I woke up and I did not feel like going to church. I felt like I should just spend some time taking it slow. You know, a lazy family kinda morning. “But I can’t, I have a friend that I promised to take to church and I have to lead worship” I thought. I had good reasons and skipping church can’t be a good thing, right? Then my friend messaged to say that she was not going to church. Hmmm, one excuse down but I still had to lead worship. So, I went to pick up my two youngest children who had spent the night at my parents house. They were in the same mood and I knew I would be late if the tug-of-war to get them out the house ensued. They were about to sit with my parents at the breakfast table where a pile of hot pancakes was waiting. You get the scene. I still ignored my instincts and went to church without them. Guess what? There was some mix-up and we were locked out of the church building that we use.  Eventually, I went back by my parents, but I knew that I had missed it. I had missed a moment to laugh and talk and deepen relationship with my children and parents.

I love my brothers and sisters at my church, but relationships aren’t built in a church service. If we are not intentional about it, we can be the most regular church-service-goers; smiling, shaking hands and giving hugs and it can all be meaningless because it’s all superficial. Choosing one brother or sister to call regularly or hang out with can be that monumental step from going to church toward being the church.

Now don’t get me wrong this is risky, messy business. Our true selves aren’t pretty sometimes and building meaningful relationships takes work. There will be hurts, misunderstandings, rejections…these are the risks but the rewards far far outweigh them! This message is doubly applicable to men whom I have found to be the most superficial creatures. You can have a friendship with a guy for decades and talk about nothing more impactful to his core being than football. We really need to step up men.

Go deep my friends and you will be rewarded with authentic joy!

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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Sermons and Dresses

Admittedly, I had but a passing interest in The Royal Wedding.  Until I heard a bit of the sermon of Bishop Michael Curry! I promptly searched for the sermon online and I couldn’t stop listening. The power of love captivated my attention! I was so excited about this message of love echoing around the world and touching lives suffering from severe love-deficit that when some colleagues started talking about the wedding I exclaimed, “Wasn’t that a powerful sermon!”.

I was shocked at the responses. Apparently, it was inappropriate, too long and disjointed. I am not usually one to be surprised by differing views but this one caught me off guard. So, what was the main highlight for these (mainly female) colleagues of mine; the dress. It was what they had stayed up late to see. They loved it!

Now, I don’t want to draw any inferences about my colleagues in particular because I am sure they are not alone. In fact, there are probably more than a few church goers for whom the much too short dress of Sister So-and-so seems more important than the message of Jesus Christ. (Just though I’d throw that out there to shake things up a bit. Ha ha!) I do, however, want us to think about our society as a whole and what we value. Do we value messages of love, kindness, compassion and selflessness? We talk about it but do our actions align?

Last night I fell asleep while reading in bed and my daughter came and took off my glasses, put my phone to charge and turned off the light. She had never done anything like that before. I was so proud of her and full of love for her and grateful for such beautiful children, all at the same time. I did make sure to thank her and express my appreciation for her thoughtfulness, but I couldn’t help but compare that with if she had come first in end-of-term exams, for example. For coming first in her class, she would be showered with rewards and recognition. Something is wrong somewhere.

What about at work? Has anyone ever received a positive appraisal because they were kind to their co-workers? But if we achieve all our targets at the expense of other people, are we rewarded? Many times, we are. Sometimes even publicly applauded.

Our values are skewed. And it’s no better in the church. If I were to judge from what most guys talk about and get excited about, the biggest religion in Trinidad is football. Most guys quicker identify as a Man-U fan than a Jesus fan. Keep it nice and superficial. Big man doh deal up with d touchy feely business.

So, I ask you what kind of world do you want to leave for generations to come? Do you want more love in this world? Is it time to re-look our value system? If you haven’t seen Bishop Curry’s sermon, you can watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5gonlKodrmk and tell me what you think; which was better; the sermon or the dress?

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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Mummy And Me

From a young age I was very independent. As a result, my parents and I were not really close in the sense that we did not discuss life issues or have regular ‘check-ups’ like I imagine other families might. My mother would always complain that my dad, my sister and I would eat dinner in front of the television instead of having family interaction. I think she yearned to be more involved in our life. I can hear her now, “You all only in front of that screen every night! No conversation!”

Then we all became born-again (Pentecostal Christians) except mummy and she felt even more alienated. There is this concept when you become a Pentecostal that your real family now becomes your Christian brothers and sisters. This is true up to a point as, of course, you want to relate with people who are as excited about Jesus as you are but sometimes we take it too far which is what I did in my early Christian years.

About three years later, at the tender age of twenty-three, I got married. Another concept that seemed part of my Pentecostal experience is the concept of ‘leave and cleave’ which means when you get married you should leave your parents and cleave to your spouse. Needless to say, the gulf between mummy and I widened. Then things changed. Five years later I was getting divorced and had left the church. Now I was on the other side and I suddenly understood what it was to be out with the out crowd.

The people who I thought were my Christian family became aloof and distant as I was now a sinner. I never knew what scorn felt like until then. It is that feeling when someone has no regard for you whatsoever. When your opinion or viewpoint has no value to the other person. On the other hand, my old friends welcomed me back and my mother was a pillar of support. Funny how life is.

That began a process of recalibration, particularly where my mother is concerned. I began to let her into my life. To treat her like her opinion matters to me because she matters to me. Through my mistakes and experiences, I slowly began to mature.

I began to understand that love is more important than ideology, much much more important. I learned that everybody can add value to your life despite differences in ideologies, arguably, the more divergent their view from yours the more valuable their viewpoint. I learned that when people make mistakes or deliberate decisions that are against the core ideologies of your faith, the job of real Christians is to love and support the person even if you don’t support the decision.

I cannot change my past mistakes but going forward I can try to be a better person. I try to improve how I treat the people in my life (actually, how I treat people in general).  I have also dedicated my life to fighting this rotten attitude in the church that threatens to undermine all that we stand for because, without love, we are nothing.

So, for the first time in my life, at the age of forty-four, I am taking my mother on a trip. Just she and I, spending a week together. A week to bond, to discover a new part of the planet together, to deepen our relationship and for me to say thanks for all that she has been in my life.

Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t wait until you are forty-four like me. I am thankful I still have the chance to do it now but our time with the ones we love is unknown. Life won’t get any less busy. Initially, I thought I did not have the time or the money but in the end, all that was stopping me was the will. Connect meaningfully with your loved ones today. It will bring you and them much joy!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls