More than once this week I found myself talking to someone who was upset about how someone else had treated them. Some even went so far as to call the persons in question nasty or evil. In almost all cases there was a feeling that these ‘bad’ people needed to be called to account for their actions. What was evident was that these people felt hurt. They had been wronged in some way and were grappling with the question WHY. Why did this person say this about me? Why did they treat me this way?
I have a friend who says, “Hurt people, hurt people.” The phrase kept popping up into my mind this week as I saw it played out in the circumstances around me. In different ways, I tried to help my counterparts to understand this truism as they dealt with their pain but they too were caught in the cycle. They demanded justice for their hurt.
Richard Rohr says that pain is either transformed or transmitted. We all have pain. Some of us have deep emotional and/or psychological trauma from things that have happened in our past. It can go as far back as what happened while we were in the womb or as recent as an unhealthy relationship last month. It can be as devastating as rape or incest or as innocuous as a spouse that constantly nags or belittles. In a sense, the form is unimportant. The question is, what do we do with it?
If we understood the ramifications of not dealing with our pain, I believe we would be a lot more proactive about intentionally seeking healing (transformation). Every hurt that is not dealt with will be passed on to those around us in some form or fashion. We will mould our children based on the pain we suffered as a child. We will see our new partner through the eyes of the hurt suffered at the hands of the last one. We will lash out at the world for the wounds inflicted by someone, somewhere, sometime.
Inner healing seen this way is not a choice, it’s an imperative. The first step for me is usually one of humility. That aha moment when I realize that as much as I feet hurt, I have also inflicted hurt. I did not set out to, but I did. I am only human. We are all only human. I have had several such moments and have gone back to say I’m sorry and ask forgiveness.
Today in church the preacher talked about a world-renowned pastor whom he held in high esteem because, as well respected as he was, a child could tell him that he had done something wrong and he would be quick to apologize. There are too few men and women like this today. I have had to ask forgiveness of my ex-wife for leaving our marriage. I’ve had to ask forgiveness of my son for not being there for him. I’ve had to ask forgiveness of my pastor for walking out of his church. I’ve had to ask forgiveness of my children for shouting at them in anger. It’s not easy sometimes. Most times. OK, all the time.
If I sometimes do hurtful things then how can I hold others to a higher standard? We must also be willing to forgive others their human-ness. Whether they are sorry or not or ask forgiveness or not is irrelevant. Forgive. Only forgiveness allows us to leave that pain behind and break the cycle. The unloving parent was trying her/his best. The abusive spouse is only human. The pastor, priest, pundit or imam that hurt us is only human. The boss from hell is only human. Forgiveness is the first step on the path to inner healing.
Ideally, our religious communities should play a vital role in society of walking with us on this journey of inner healing. The church should be the societal interrupters, working with us to break the cycle of pain at work in our lives and I know many churches do play this role. The Catholic Church actually has a formal program called Original Pain Therapy. The journey is a tough one and many times support is needed. The church community has played this role for me, but I imagine non-religious support groups could play this role as well. Alcoholics Anonymous has been extremely effective at transforming those with addictions to alcohol. Sometimes counselling from trained professionals was also necessary for me. Sometimes just a friend with a listening ear was enough. Our paths will be as different as our pains, but I implore you, take the journey.
Joyfully,
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls.