The biggest determining factor of the quality of our relationships is the quality of our communication. And the quality of our relationships greatly influences the quality of our life. In fact, some say that the quality of our relationships is the quality of our life.
Therefore, I would argue that communication is the most important skill for life. In that vein, I would like to share with you a model for how we process data. The model is called The Ladder of Inference (shown below).
The ladder has seven steps (starting at the bottom rung):
- Observable data and experiences. These are the raw facts that we hear and see. Let’s use an example: Last week Friday I told my friend Jim that I found it unfair that when we go out he never pays for anything. I played football with Jim on Monday and we talked briefly on the phone on Tuesday. I see him in the mall on Thursday and he passes me straight without saying hello and he looks angry. That’s the data.
- Select data. This is the data that we choose to designate as important while ignoring the rest. In this example I select the fact that I told Jim about his cheap ways and now he passes me straight and he looks angry. I completely ignore the other two times that I interacted with Jim.
- Add meaning. At this stage we interpret the data and add some meaning to it based on our personal and cultural values. So now I conclude that Jim must be angry with me because he passed me straight. I add this meaning because that’s what I would do if I was angry at someone (personal) and because in my culture to not acknowledge someone you know is an affront.
- Make assumptions. Now I make the assumption that Jim is angry at me because I reproached him about his cheapskate behaviour.
- Draw conclusions. At this stage we come to some grand theory. I conclude that Jim has only been using me to get free drinks all along. He was never really my friend.
- Adopt beliefs. This high up on the inference ladder, my conclusions based on this situation become firmly held beliefs – People will use you for your money if you let them. All people are interested in is what they can get from you.
- Take action. At the top of the ladder I act based on my beliefs. I treat everyone with scepticism and distrust and don’t buy drinks for anyone unless they buy for me first.
What actually happened was that Jim had just heard that a thief had broken into his house, so he was angry and hurrying home to appraise the situation. His mind was so preoccupied that he did not even see me even though I walked right past him.
The steps taken up the inference ladder in this example sound crazy given the reality, right? But this is what we do all the time. The most insidious thing about the ladder of inference is that our beliefs dictate the data we select next time. We are biased to ‘seeing’ only what we already believe. The good news is that we can counteract this cycle with three simple habits:
- Be aware of our thought process. Ask yourself, “Is this a fact or an assumption? Am I making a fair conclusion here? Is there something I could be missing? Am I 100% sure that I have all the information?”
- Be open and transparent about your thought process. Let people know what you are thinking. Chances are they can fill in some missing context.
- Ask people about their thought processes. It’s highly likely everyone else is busy climbing up their inference ladder too. Pause and ask, “How did you come to that conclusion? Why did you say that? What’s your thought process? Why did you choose that course of action?”
Keeping the ladder of inference in mind (pun intended) has the potential to improve the quality of our communication drastically. Try it out and see the positive effects in your relationships!
Click the hyperlink to learn more about the ladder of inference.
Joyfully,
Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.