Deeper Is Better Than Broader

When it comes to relationships, deeper is better than broader. A meaningful relationship with one person is better than one hundred Facebook friends. Why is that Matik? Well I’m glad you asked! It’s because the real value of a relationship is only experienced when people can be real, and people can only be real when enough trust has been established to allow the vulnerability that being one’s true self entails.

Somewhere I read that disclosure is the currency of intimacy and it has stuck with me because it’s absolutely true. Relationships deepen as we share a little about our true thoughts and true feelings and if we are not rejected or mocked or judged but rather accepted then we share a little more. Then the other person may feel safe to share as well and soon enough a real friendship is established. The ultimate example of this should be a married couple of course. If you cannot be absolutely yourself with your spouse and feel absolutely safe, then something is amiss.

But why do I say that these intimate relationships are better than all the other platonic ones that we have? For two reasons:

1.  In any relationship in which you are not authentic, where you are keeping it professional, or where you are only showing your best side, you are missing opportunities for growth. You are missing opportunities for suggestions and feedback that could make your life dramatically more enriched. For example, when I go on business trips I like to share the challenges that my organization is currently facing with my business contacts because this has always been an amazing generator of partnerships and opportunities for my company. You never know what solutions and mutually beneficial relationships are out there unless you share. This principle has also been true in my personal friendships. People carry around a wealth of wisdom that they have gained through their experiences that you may never benefit from unless you have a real conversation with them. On the most intimate level, everyone needs love and to be known and accepted. Sharing your innermost self is a risk but the rewards are huge. Your soul blossoms in love. Usually but not always we get this kind of unconditional love from our parents, but they need not be the only ones. They should not be the only ones.

2.   Of course, this works both ways. The people in your life also need you. The real you needs to show up because your family and friends need to see your awesomeness. You have something that no one else can give. You are a walking growth opportunity for those around you. This is not giving advice (nobody really takes advice from someone they do not feel connected with anyway). This is more than that; it’s sharing your soul. Your naked soul is beautiful and speaks without you saying a word.

Let me tell you a story. Last Sunday morning I woke up and I did not feel like going to church. I felt like I should just spend some time taking it slow. You know, a lazy family kinda morning. “But I can’t, I have a friend that I promised to take to church and I have to lead worship” I thought. I had good reasons and skipping church can’t be a good thing, right? Then my friend messaged to say that she was not going to church. Hmmm, one excuse down but I still had to lead worship. So, I went to pick up my two youngest children who had spent the night at my parents house. They were in the same mood and I knew I would be late if the tug-of-war to get them out the house ensued. They were about to sit with my parents at the breakfast table where a pile of hot pancakes was waiting. You get the scene. I still ignored my instincts and went to church without them. Guess what? There was some mix-up and we were locked out of the church building that we use.  Eventually, I went back by my parents, but I knew that I had missed it. I had missed a moment to laugh and talk and deepen relationship with my children and parents.

I love my brothers and sisters at my church, but relationships aren’t built in a church service. If we are not intentional about it, we can be the most regular church-service-goers; smiling, shaking hands and giving hugs and it can all be meaningless because it’s all superficial. Choosing one brother or sister to call regularly or hang out with can be that monumental step from going to church toward being the church.

Now don’t get me wrong this is risky, messy business. Our true selves aren’t pretty sometimes and building meaningful relationships takes work. There will be hurts, misunderstandings, rejections…these are the risks but the rewards far far outweigh them! This message is doubly applicable to men whom I have found to be the most superficial creatures. You can have a friendship with a guy for decades and talk about nothing more impactful to his core being than football. We really need to step up men.

Go deep my friends and you will be rewarded with authentic joy!

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.