I’m my worst critic. I want to obey God. I want to make all the right decisions. Most of all, I want to love people well. Somehow, I do not live up to that standard on a daily basis. And sometimes, when I fail, I beat myself up about it. I had a particularly bad self-flagellation episode recently. I was teaching an online class about spiritual growth. I had given the participants an exercise to do and as one participant was sharing her experience with the exercise, I interrupted her to ‘correct’ what I thought was a misunderstanding of the instructions that I had given.
I went over that interaction in my head for days. “Why did I feel the need to interrupt?” “How could I have acted in a way that was exactly the opposite of creating a safe loving space which was the foundation of the whole course!?” I sank deeper and deeper into a depression.
After I had a chance to apologize (and realize that this was bothering me much more than it was bothering her) I was able to begin to see God’s grace in my failure. I was able to see myself starting the session that day with a cavalier air about myself. I had been doing the sessions for a while now and I was becoming a believer in my own expertise. I was losing the ethos of the ‘eternal amateur’ as I call it. I believe that great moves of God, great churches and great men usually start off in a place of ‘Oh God, we need you, we don’t know what we’re doing.’ That place of dependency is not meant to be a phase that we graduate from but a lifetime heart posture.
God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. Matthew 5:3 (NLT)
God moves in the midst of and on behalf of those who live in the reality of their dependency on Jesus. We can do nothing Godly without God.
My failure was God mercifully letting me know that I had taken a step away from that place of dependency. I was becoming a professional. I remember how I prayed at the start of that session… I didn’t pray for God to help me. I prayed for God to help them. They needed help, not me. What a delusion!
If it takes failure for me to remember the mess that I am and my utter need for God, oh God please give me failure. When God begins to move in your life and the spheres that you inhabit, it is a seductive fantasy to buy into your own competence. I’ve seen it. I’ve witnessed the exit of God as man exalts himself to god-like status. I’ve seen mere mortals become THE man of God to the point where it is anathema to even remind his church members that he is just a man. I’ve seen churches buy into a ‘we are the chosen ones’ narrative to the point that they sincerely believe that no other church can steward God’s purpose like them. The thing is, this happened to sincere people who genuinely wanted God. They just bought into their own success.
Success is a strong drink. It can intoxicate the heart and distort reality. Failure has the potential to sober us up to the delusion of our competence.
...I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. 8 Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. 9 Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Corinthians 12:7b-9
Oh God, whenever I begin to buy into myself as the source of my success, please send me the grace of failure. I don’t need a reputation as a perfect Christian who has it all together. I do not want a reputation as successful in man’s eyes when I am not in Yours. I only want You. I only need You. I only want Your ‘Well done.’ On the days that I feel successful, please help me to remember that it is only by Your grace. And on the days that I feel like a failure, please help me to remember that that too is grace – an invitation to see You at work more deeply in my life.
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