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Category: Relationships

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The Fire Series: What Proverbs Has To Say About Love & Sex

Some of the most interesting Proverbs for me are the ones that start with the statement, “Three things are too wonderful for me; four I do not understand:” or “Under three things the earth trembles; under four it cannot bear up:” The lists of spectacles that come next have always intrigued me. As I came across these sayings again last week, two in particular stood out in a fresh way; “the way of a man with a virgin” and “an unloved woman when she gets a husband”.

I wondered what it was about these two things that the writer saw that was so wonderful and mysterious and earth-shaking? The wonderful mystery of sex I understood right away but I was not really getting the significance of the unloved woman getting a husband.

Then I reflected on my past romantic relationships and it hit me; women have a deep desire to feel treasured; to be loved above all other women. When this need is met a woman blossoms and it truly is beautiful. I am not by any means saying that I was a great love-er by the way. Far from it. Perhaps I should have had this revelation earlier in life because I believe if we men really understood this, we would be amazed at the difference it would make in our relationships. Maybe we would feel the earth tremble. Lol.

Similarly, when I went back to the verse about the man with a virgin I saw that it dealt with the deep need of men to know that they alone are the objects of their wife’s desire. Sex is as important to men as love is to women. I wonder if more women need to appreciate this truism?

So wives, I encourage you, make your man feel like a stallion. Tell him and show him how much he does it for you, regularly. It’s biblical! And husbands, I encourage you to tell your woman you love her every day. Take the time to find out her love language and make her feel treasured beyond compare.

OK coming back to my bible study… God had more to say. Because I thought about all those men and women who have not yet found a partner and asked, “What about the deep need of those women to feel loved and treasured God? What about those men with the unfulfilled need to be respected and admired?”

I believe His answer was this: “I am the ultimate fulfillment of all your needs. I am the love that is beyond compare and the pleasure above all ecstasies. My love for you is too wonderful for you and beyond your understanding. My love for you makes the earth tremble.” I believe there is complete wholeness in God. Maybe we will not fully experience it until the bride of Christ, the church, is united with Jesus Christ Himself… but even a taste of the love of God is beyond anything this world has to offer!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2019, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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The Fire Series: Making Disciples

 

Matthew 28:18-20

18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

Matthew 28:19 has become one of the most popular verses of the bible. It has come to be called ‘the great commission’ and it has been used as the basis for the stereotypical ‘missionary’ who travels to remote places of the globe bringing the good news of the gospel.

In recent times, there has been arising a movement that is calling the church back to discipleship. Many have noticed that the missionary foundation of the early church has largely been replaced with evangelism and church attendance. ‘Winning souls for Christ’ has become an exercise in getting your programme on television or radio or social media and then getting people into your church service and then making an altar call so that they give their lives to Christ and eventually get baptized. And voila! There it is the modern interpretation of Mat 28:19! I don’t believe this is what Jesus wanted His church to look like for one main reason; this can all happen without a single genuine relationship between two people. Christianity is personal and relational because Christ is personal and relational. Discipleship cannot be impersonal and non-communal. But before I dig into that, let me talk about what the reaction to this commercial church ethos has been.

I have seen two reactions:

  1. Some church leaders have sought to have a greater missionary focus in their church. Sending people out to reach untouched people groups in some churches has again become a central pillar.
  2. Some people have abandoned the current building/service centric church culture altogether and returned to the early church model of meeting in small groups that are less hierarchical and more intimate.

The fact that there are people who have heard the call of God back to discipleship (and I believe this is a move initiated by God) and who have been convicted enough to do something about it is wonderful! I love it! But what I want to talk about today is less about what we do and more about who we are. I believe too often we do things out of a reaction to something bad and we create an exaggeration in the other direction. Like a pendulum, we swing all the way to the other side bringing criticism, division and cliquishness. Instead, I want to invite us to see what God is calling us to be and let that truth shine right where we are (which probably has some good things that God does not want us to throw out completely). I believe that as the church matures, we will see less moves of God that have been immortalized (or more correctly; mortalized) into denominations (Protestant, Pentecostal, Charismatic to name a few) and more continuous unification and maturing as we build upon the truths that brought us to where we are now, adding to it the current revelations of God.

OK so what are the truths that I believe God is calling us to embody today whether we are part of a mega church or a small study group? We can learn a lot from the added context of verses 18 and 20:

  1. The centrality of Christ: A) The whole mission is based on the fact that Christ has been given all authority in heaven and in earth (vs 18). Christ is on a mission to build his church and nothing can stop Him. B) We are discipling others in obedience to Christ (vs 20a). We are not making disciples of ourselves really; we are exposing others to our own discipleship to Christ and inviting them to emulate us. Only disciples make disciples. Conversely, converts make converts. The emphasis is on obedience to the commands of Christ not on the profession of faith. C) Christ Himself is part of the process. (vs 20b). Discipleship takes place in the presence of Christ. This is not some remote activity that we perpetuate until Christ returns. Jesus wants to be in this thing with us. Intimacy and partnership with Christ must be deep within our identity and the heart of what we bring to the world.
  2. Discipleship is personal: A disciple in the most practical sense is a life-student. A disciple emulates the totality of the teacher’s life. The disciples practically lived with Jesus. He opened up His life to them like he did with no one else. We cannot make disciples at arms-length. We must demonstrate to others how we are wrestling with the practice of observing all that Jesus has commanded us personally. We must show what discipleship looks like in practice. We must have the humility to allow others to interrogate our lives to understand our motives and struggles and even our failures.

So here are three things that I am excited about! Three things that I am eager to see arising in the church:

  1. Leaders that disclose more of their personal lives from the pulpit. Don’t just tell me what God says and what I should be doing. Tell me what God has been pulling on you about. Tell me where the rubber is hitting the road for you. What are you struggling with? What are you contending for? Why is this message that you are preaching burning for you right now? I want to know where Christ is at work in you and what that looks like in practice.
  2. Believers that build authentic friendships. Don’t just come to church and go home. Find one or two believers and build a friendship. Have people in your life with whom you can share your heart and your failures without condemnation or judgment. Talk about real issues like your struggle with porn or your struggle to be submissive to your unsaved husband. Get real and let that speaking the truth in love build us up into mature Christians. Build safe spaces with people in our lives where we can be vulnerable and allow Christ to touch us in the midst of authentic community.
  3. Missionaries re-invented. True missionaries do not really go to convert people. (Yes there were/are lots of false missionaries in my opinion) True missionaries go to demonstrate the love of Christ, sow the seeds of the Word, water it and leave the conversion business to Christ. As I have said before, making disciples is about demonstrating up-close our own discipleship to Christ. In the current context where almost any corner of the globe can be reached instantly, I believe that the urgency to reach people with the gospel is far less of a commission to travel somewhere geographically and much more of a mandate to take Christ with us into our sphere of influence. Every facet of our lives must be missionary; our profession, our marriage, our parenting, our recreation. We must be demonstrating Christ to the world in every thing we do! Are we discipling our children? Are we being open with our lives at work? Are we sharing the reason for our hope in our professional circles? And please do not picture the corrupt image of the portrayal of a perfect Christian life and a holier-than-thou attitude. I mean authentic Christianity. I mean being open about why you are different, imperfect but different.

You can do all of these things without starting a ministry or leaving your church (and I have nothing against either). Just choose to live a missionary life. It’s that simple yet that profound. You can start today!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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Stop Judging and Start Relating

 

One of the most common mistakes that I’ve made in my life is judging people that I don’t know. We all do it right? Right? (Please tell me it’s not just me.) We assign characteristics and even worse, motives, to people we have never even talked to! When you think about it, it’s crazy. Or sometimes we’ve met a few people from a particular religion or political party or ethnicity or neighbourhood and we judge the whole based on the few. Everybody who crosses our path who fits the demographic is destined for our bad books. Crazy!

One of the most constructive habits we can cultivate to counteract this bad habit is to try to have authentic interactions with as many varied persons as you can. They say one bad apple spoils the whole bunch, but I have found that it works just as powerfully the other way around; one person can change your perspective of a whole nation. That’s one of the reasons that I love travel so much. I just love to touch, taste and see what looks different to me; what I’ve never experienced before. I love the practice of discovery.

I think the art of building bridges across divides of misunderstanding is even more critical in this fake news world that we currently inhabit. Don’t stay behind your computer/smartphone and pelt stones at the particular group that you love to hate, go out and meet them. One of my favourite examples of this is Daryl Davis. Daryl Davis is a black guy who befriends Klu Klux Klan members. So far, according to this article , he has persuaded 200 members to give up their robes. Now that is someone I would like to emulate. I’m not saying that we will always get someone to agree with our point of view, but we might gain a friend and we definitely will learn something.

Frankly, I don’t think I have ever convinced anybody to my way of thinking (I probably haven’t tried very hard) but I have learned a lot from people with vastly different views to mine and in some cases I’ve come around to their way of thinking. I believe 200% in Christ but I’ve learned a lot from agnostics. I used to believe in beating my children but due solely to a few people in my life with strong views against corporal punishment I am now trying different disciplinary methods. (Admittedly, I am tempted to return to my old ways at every major disciplinary impasse). I used to think Brexiters were myopic but recently I actually met one guy who was outspoken enough to share his views. It was enlightening. His reasoning was sound, and I left the conversation feeling a bit convicted for judging my Brexit friends so harshly and convinced that both sides of the argument had merit.

And this brings me to the final point I wish to make. Please, don’t be afraid to share your views passionately. The most you could be is wrong. There is nothing I find more frustrating than someone who has a strong view but refuses to share it! I know not everyone may be as comfortable (excited even) with debate and confrontation and conflict as I am, but I find it so sad to walk away from someone without ever receiving the gift of their viewpoint. Some say people walk away from these debates unchanged but I disagree. Rarely will I change my view on the spot but I always think about it for days after and a fresh perspective does change how I view things. Even if it is a small adjustment, it’s worthwhile. Some say you should never discuss politics or religion (basically anything that will upset anyone). I say that’s precisely what we should be talking about. It’s what matters. That’s how we evolve as a species, by taking the best of everyone’s ideas and moving forward together.

OK OK I’m off that soapbox…. So…. Get out there and go talk to someone new today!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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Deeper Is Better Than Broader

 

When it comes to relationships, deeper is better than broader. A meaningful relationship with one person is better than one hundred Facebook friends. Why is that Matik? Well I’m glad you asked! It’s because the real value of a relationship is only experienced when people can be real, and people can only be real when enough trust has been established to allow the vulnerability that being one’s true self entails.

Somewhere I read that disclosure is the currency of intimacy and it has stuck with me because it’s absolutely true. Relationships deepen as we share a little about our true thoughts and true feelings and if we are not rejected or mocked or judged but rather accepted then we share a little more. Then the other person may feel safe to share as well and soon enough a real friendship is established. The ultimate example of this should be a married couple of course. If you cannot be absolutely yourself with your spouse and feel absolutely safe, then something is amiss.

But why do I say that these intimate relationships are better than all the other platonic ones that we have? For two reasons:

1.  In any relationship in which you are not authentic, where you are keeping it professional, or where you are only showing your best side, you are missing opportunities for growth. You are missing opportunities for suggestions and feedback that could make your life dramatically more enriched. For example, when I go on business trips I like to share the challenges that my organization is currently facing with my business contacts because this has always been an amazing generator of partnerships and opportunities for my company. You never know what solutions and mutually beneficial relationships are out there unless you share. This principle has also been true in my personal friendships. People carry around a wealth of wisdom that they have gained through their experiences that you may never benefit from unless you have a real conversation with them. On the most intimate level, everyone needs love and to be known and accepted. Sharing your innermost self is a risk but the rewards are huge. Your soul blossoms in love. Usually but not always we get this kind of unconditional love from our parents, but they need not be the only ones. They should not be the only ones.

2.   Of course, this works both ways. The people in your life also need you. The real you needs to show up because your family and friends need to see your awesomeness. You have something that no one else can give. You are a walking growth opportunity for those around you. This is not giving advice (nobody really takes advice from someone they do not feel connected with anyway). This is more than that; it’s sharing your soul. Your naked soul is beautiful and speaks without you saying a word.

Let me tell you a story. Last Sunday morning I woke up and I did not feel like going to church. I felt like I should just spend some time taking it slow. You know, a lazy family kinda morning. “But I can’t, I have a friend that I promised to take to church and I have to lead worship” I thought. I had good reasons and skipping church can’t be a good thing, right? Then my friend messaged to say that she was not going to church. Hmmm, one excuse down but I still had to lead worship. So, I went to pick up my two youngest children who had spent the night at my parents house. They were in the same mood and I knew I would be late if the tug-of-war to get them out the house ensued. They were about to sit with my parents at the breakfast table where a pile of hot pancakes was waiting. You get the scene. I still ignored my instincts and went to church without them. Guess what? There was some mix-up and we were locked out of the church building that we use.  Eventually, I went back by my parents, but I knew that I had missed it. I had missed a moment to laugh and talk and deepen relationship with my children and parents.

I love my brothers and sisters at my church, but relationships aren’t built in a church service. If we are not intentional about it, we can be the most regular church-service-goers; smiling, shaking hands and giving hugs and it can all be meaningless because it’s all superficial. Choosing one brother or sister to call regularly or hang out with can be that monumental step from going to church toward being the church.

Now don’t get me wrong this is risky, messy business. Our true selves aren’t pretty sometimes and building meaningful relationships takes work. There will be hurts, misunderstandings, rejections…these are the risks but the rewards far far outweigh them! This message is doubly applicable to men whom I have found to be the most superficial creatures. You can have a friendship with a guy for decades and talk about nothing more impactful to his core being than football. We really need to step up men.

Go deep my friends and you will be rewarded with authentic joy!

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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The Power Of A Story – How Authentic Joy Was Made

 

First of all, more good news! The kindle version of my new book – Authentic Joy – is now available on Amazon in addition to the paperback version! Click here to find out more about the book and to get yourself a copy!

I love a good story. When I first started toying with the idea of writing a book I immediately knew that I wanted to tell a story. I wanted to take my readers along on a journey that made them laugh and cry and sit at the edge of their seats; the kind of story where you can’t put the book down. Because these were the kind of books that deeply impacted me, especially in my younger years. My favourite genre of book is fantasy. Books like The Lord of The Rings trilogy were my standard fare. I would be consumed in the unfolding plot for hours. The characters came alive and I saw myself in the midst of the pages. I will never forget those books.

These days my reading is much less exciting. Seems with adulthood comes the age of ‘self-help’. (Insert boring sigh here). The books that seem to be popular in the inspirational/religious category are mostly designed to overtly teach you something. There is nothing wrong with that of course but it just wasn’t what I wanted to do. It was not authentic to my heart. I wanted to share my knowledge in allegory.

Allegory: a story, poem, or picture that can be interpreted to reveal a hidden meaning, typically a moral or political one. Jesus taught in allegory or in parables. He would tell a story about a man who found a treasure or a farmer who sowed seeds but that was not the point of the story. The meaning had to be discovered or inferred. Often the listener was left to draw their own conclusions.

Much of my book, Authentic Joy, leaves the reader to draw his/her own conclusions. I could have written a book about Effective Church Leadership or 10 Sure Ways To Fail In Marriage or Where You Won’t Find God or…. but instead you will find that all of these themes are wrapped inside the story of an ordinary guy called Govinda.

What I believe makes this kind of book powerful is the story. I’m not telling you what to do or how to think, I’m simply sharing as I would with a close friend. The lessons have not been sterilised by stripping them of the context of the technicolour emotions or convoluted scenarios or imperfect relationships; the humanity and unpredictability of real life.

As the back cover of my book says… In my deepest destitution and despair, I found the joy that I was looking for in the presence of God Himself, or I should say, He brought me to the end of myself so that I could experience Him as He really is; my greatest treasure and highest joy! I wrote this novel simply to share with you the obstacles that kept me from this deeply satisfying intimacy with Christ and the nature of the Life that I found on the other side of those obstacles. My hope is that you too will see Him more clearly, treasure Him more deeply and experience authentic joy in Christ more fully than ever before!

So, I invite you to immerse yourself in the epic saga that is Authentic Joy!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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Altitude Sickness

 

Altitude sickness is an illness that is pervasive in the upper hierarchy of many organizations. It is the tendency of managers to become more and more disconnected from the people and the reality on the ground, the higher they rise within the organization. When this illness has run its full course, the victim lives in an alternate reality of which they are convinced is real.

This may sound exaggerated, but it is not I’m afraid. And it is easy to see why this happens. In many organizations, especially very hierarchical ones, as one ascends the hierarchy the contact with customers and the staff that produce the products or deliver the services, becomes less and less. At the highest levels it can be practically non-existent. So how does a CEO, for example, get intelligence about what’s happening in his company or the environment in which it operates? From reports and media publications; two sources that are filled with bias and absent of the nitty gritty details that are often quite important.

Let’s look at reports. The typical report covers such a large span of time and range of company activities that it has to be pared down to the most pertinent data and it is up to the people preparing the reports to decide what is pertinent. Consider that this information has to flow upward through several layers with each person deciding what should be included and often incentivized to only show information that the boss wants to hear. One can quickly see why the higher the information flows, the less accurate it is (similar to a game of pass the message).

Consider a hypothetical example… Joe produces widgets for a company called D. Luded Inc. He has a quota of 10 a day. On Monday he makes 13 but 3 are defective because his tools aren’t the most modern. He tells his shift supervisor who makes up a shift report. The supervisor, Jim, simply records 10 units made as per target but there is higher than budget overtime (due to all the rework). He has mentioned the need for better tools to his manager several times. However, the manager; Jane, is not getting the tools because she is under pressure from the regional manager to reduce costs. So, she reports production on target and expenses below budget.  The regional manager, Bob, has some companies performing badly within the region and that is why he is pressuring Jane to reduce costs further so that the region as a whole looks good. Bob’s quarterly report to head office looks awesome. No doubt next month the region will be asked to increase production and reduce costs further.

You see where I am going with this? The head of D. Luded completely lacks the information to run the company properly (far less the board of directors). The only way to arrest this altitude sickness is to start at ground zero – literally. Managers must intentionally inculcate habits that keep them connected with their ground staff and customers.

Here are 3 essential habits to accomplish this:

  1. You CANNOT punish bad news. This is an absolute necessity. None of the other habits will work unless people feel safe to tell you the truth. When bad news is punished, all you will get is good news until it is absolutely too late to do anything about it. People must feel empowered to push back on your demands based on the on-the-ground reality.
  2. You CANNOT be the expert on everything. If you believe you know more about making widgets than Joe because you started in the company 20 years ago as a widget maker then you are truly deluded. No matter how successful you are, nothing can replace the intel that the people who are actually working the machines and interacting with the customers bring to the conversation.
  3. You CANNOT run any organization from an office. Get out and go talk to people. Meet customers. Create informal settings where you can chat with the Joes of your company.

The first step to curing altitude sickness is to be aware of the disease. Stop altitude sickness in your workplace today!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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Book Launch!

My new book is out!

This novel sprung forth from the dark earth of my failure and despair. I gave my life to Christ at age twenty but only found a truly joy-filled life in Christ twenty years later. The difficulties that I faced in those two decades in between – the tireless grappling with my hedonistic tendencies, the vanity of religion, my failures in one marriage after another, the sin that beset me, the deep desire for fulfilment that remained unmet, the people that God used to shape my character and reveal my mission – all provided the resource material that inspired Authentic Joy.

However, that is not the subject of this book. The subject is God. It is a fictional tale that reveals the non-fictional character of an incomprehensibly wise, astoundingly merciful and absolutely sovereign God who transforms darkness and rancour into light and joy!

In my deepest destitution and despair, I found the joy that I was looking for in the presence of God Himself, or I should say, He brought me to the end of myself so that I could experience Him as He really is; my greatest treasure and highest joy! I wrote this novel simply to share with you the obstacles that kept me from this deeply satisfying intimacy with Christ and the nature of the Life that I found on the other side of those obstacles. My hope is that you too will see Him more clearly, treasure Him more deeply and experience authentic joy in Christ more fully than ever before!

Get your paperback copy now:

https://xulonpress.com/bookstore/bookdetail.php?PB_ISBN=9781545638477&HC_ISBN=

https://www.amazon.com/Authentic-Joy-Matik-Nicholls/dp/1545638470/

Kindle version coming next month!

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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When Children Are Our Idols

 

I think that we can love our children too much. Well, actually that’s not true; we can never love too much but we can have a counterfeit love for our children that is more akin to worship. Our whole life is for them. We say things like, “Mommy will do anything for you baby.” Will we really? I hope not. “You are my sun, my heart, the centre of my world.” I really wonder if we understand the ramifications of statements like that? It sounds great; like something a dedicated, loving parent would say but is it really?

According to a Time article by Jennifer Moses, “The problem with all this, aside from how silly it is, is that children who are the center of their parents’ lives become brats. Children whose parents put their kids’ entertainment, social lives, futures, and schedules ahead of their own well-being soon learn that there is only one important person in the room, and that person is the person whose short life has already been captured on endless video clips. This is not good. This is not good at all. Not for the kid. Not for the grownup. Not for the family dog.”

Children who are worshipped, grow up believing they are gods and believe that everyone will bend to their will as their parents have for their entire short lives. These ‘helicopter parents’ swoop in to clean up every mess and comfort every discomfort, robbing their charges of the necessary coping skills and character development that can only come from unmet expectations, disappointments, failures and the sometimes unfair hard-knocks of life. These poor children often suffer from depression and maladjustment as they encounter the real world outside their little personal kingdom.

Many of these parents may actually have co-dependent relationships with their kids; dependent on them for affirmation and love. According to Psychology Today, here are 5 signs that you are in a co-dependent relationship (To look at this from a parental point of view I substituted ‘partner’ with ‘child’):

  1. Does your sense of purpose involve making extreme sacrifices to satisfy your child’s needs?
  2. Is it difficult to say no when your child makes demands on your time and energy?
  3. Do you cover your child’s problems with drugs, alcohol, or the law?
  4. Do you constantly worry about their opinion of you?
  5. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?

I find this list a bit scary because it is so close to our accepted paradigm of good parenting today. The thing about co-dependency is that (i) it prevents you from taking actions in the best interest of the child, and (ii) it is often a behaviour that the child repeats in his/her relationships. It is a very unhealthy behaviour that is not easily changed.

However, there is hope. The first step is awareness. Here are some habits that will keep us from co-dependent tendencies:

  1. Set clear boundaries on our time. For example, Sunday is my rest/fun day. I will not be taking you to any regular activity on a Sunday.
  2. Set clear boundaries on what we will and will not do for our children. I will not do your school project for you. I may guide and assist but you are responsible for it, not me. I will not write an excuse for you for not completing your homework unless there was a serious emergency that prevented you from completing your assignment.
  3. Intentionally give them more and more responsibility and autonomy as they get older. For example, as my daughter graduates to secondary school she will be ironing her own school uniform from now on. She is also allowed to be on social media now.
  4. Intentionally nurture interests and hobbies other than our children. For example, no matter how much my children may believe that I am not entitled to go out or play football or take trips (or do anything really) without them, I go anyway.

Our children deserve every opportunity to grow and mature into strong, balanced and healthy adults. Let’s not fail them by loving them to pieces but instead let’s love them to wholeness.

Joyfully.

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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I Have No Empathy

 

I have always had a love-hate relationship with empathy. Empathy is commonly defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. I love the idea of seeing things from someone else’s perspective. Fyodor Dostoyevsky said, “Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than to understand him.” I agree! In fact, you could say that I’m obsessed with ‘the other point of view’.

I am frequently the advocate for understanding the ‘enemy’. As a manager, I often put myself in the shoes of non-management. As a heterosexual male who does not believe in gender fluidity, I can still understand the LGBT fight for acceptance. As an advocate for the life of the foetus, I also understand the pro-choice viewpoint. You can see why I am frequently in no man’s land; fully accepted in neither camp, which suits me fine because I rather think that’s a major quality of Jesus. He did not sign up with the religious elite or the evildoers. He hung out with sinners and went to the synagogue. He was on everyone’s side and no-one’s side.

But I digress… You see I am fine up to the understanding someone else’s emotions part; it’s the sharing those emotions part that eludes me. To illustrate my point, there’s a video on empathy by Brene Brown (which you can watch here). In the video Brene identifies 4 qualities of empathy:

  1. Taking another’s perspective.
  2. Staying out of judgment.
  3. Recognizing and understanding someone else’s emotions.
  4. Communicating your understanding of that emotion.

I think I’m good until that dastardly #4. I’m like the deer in the video who responds to someone saying, “My marriage is falling apart”, with, “At least you have a marriage.” I’m the silver lining, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, get off your keister, ok enough with this pity party kinda guy.

So, I’ve been going around for most of my life thinking that I have this major character flaw – a severe lack of empathy until…. I came across Paul Bloom; a psychologist who argues that empathy is not a helpful trait. Paul says that when we act based on our emotions we are not contributing positively to the other person or society in general. According to Paul, making decisions based on emotion clouds our judgment. For example, if we were choosing which charities to give some money to and if we gave to the one that pulled most on our heart-strings (like the baby dying from malnutrition) then our philanthropy would not necessarily be aimed where it could make the biggest difference for the most number of people which is a much better decision-making criteria. In summary, to quote Bloom, “…empathy is prone to biases that render moral judgment potentially harmful.”

So, I was feeling a lot better about myself until I did a little more digging (i.e. web-research) and found that there were many other experts that disagreed with Bloom. There were many good arguments but, in the end, I distilled a way of reasoning that made the most sense to me. I went back to the dictionary (and Brown’s) definition. Neither definition actually speaks to taking action. As Brene says, empathy is not about responding, it is about connecting.

Of course, this takes me back to square one…almost. I believe that empathy should be a first step. Our first step should always be just to understand; to connect. However, I also believe that there is a place for a rational response; a step two. Maybe a night out with the boys or a counselling appointment or just a pep talk to prod from pity party to problem solving. Experts say that positive action rightfully comes from cognitive empathy (understanding another viewpoint) whereas emotional empathy (sharing feelings) is useful to build relationships is not useful for decision-making.

I think my shortfall, however, is that I leap over step one straight to problem-solving. What about you? If you were in a deep funk, what would be the words that you’d want to hear from your best friend?

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.

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The Ladder of Inference

The biggest determining factor of the quality of our relationships is the quality of our communication. And the quality of our relationships greatly influences the quality of our life. In fact, some say that the quality of our relationships is the quality of our life.

Therefore, I would argue that communication is the most important skill for life. In that vein, I would like to share with you a model for how we process data. The model is called The Ladder of Inference (shown below).

The ladder has seven steps (starting at the bottom rung):

  1. Observable data and experiences. These are the raw facts that we hear and see. Let’s use an example: Last week Friday I told my friend Jim that I found it unfair that when we go out he never pays for anything. I played football with Jim on Monday and we talked briefly on the phone on Tuesday. I see him in the mall on Thursday and he passes me straight without saying hello and he looks angry. That’s the data.
  2. Select data. This is the data that we choose to designate as important while ignoring the rest. In this example I select the fact that I told Jim about his cheap ways and now he passes me straight and he looks angry. I completely ignore the other two times that I interacted with Jim.
  3. Add meaning. At this stage we interpret the data and add some meaning to it based on our personal and cultural values. So now I conclude that Jim must be angry with me because he passed me straight. I add this meaning because that’s what I would do if I was angry at someone (personal) and because in my culture to not acknowledge someone you know is an affront.
  4. Make assumptions. Now I make the assumption that Jim is angry at me because I reproached him about his cheapskate behaviour.
  5. Draw conclusions. At this stage we come to some grand theory. I conclude that Jim has only been using me to get free drinks all along. He was never really my friend.
  6. Adopt beliefs. This high up on the inference ladder, my conclusions based on this situation become firmly held beliefs – People will use you for your money if you let them. All people are interested in is what they can get from you.
  7. Take action. At the top of the ladder I act based on my beliefs. I treat everyone with scepticism and distrust and don’t buy drinks for anyone unless they buy for me first.

What actually happened was that Jim had just heard that a thief had broken into his house, so he was angry and hurrying home to appraise the situation. His mind was so preoccupied that he did not even see me even though I walked right past him.

The steps taken up the inference ladder in this example sound crazy given the reality, right? But this is what we do all the time. The most insidious thing about the ladder of inference is that our beliefs dictate the data we select next time. We are biased to ‘seeing’ only what we already believe. The good news is that we can counteract this cycle with three simple habits:

  1. Be aware of our thought process. Ask yourself, “Is this a fact or an assumption? Am I making a fair conclusion here? Is there something I could be missing? Am I 100% sure that I have all the information?”
  2. Be open and transparent about your thought process. Let people know what you are thinking. Chances are they can fill in some missing context.
  3. Ask people about their thought processes. It’s highly likely everyone else is busy climbing up their inference ladder too. Pause and ask, “How did you come to that conclusion? Why did you say that? What’s your thought process? Why did you choose that course of action?”

Keeping the ladder of inference in mind (pun intended) has the potential to improve the quality of our communication drastically. Try it out and see the positive effects in your relationships!

Click the hyperlink to learn more about the ladder of inference.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2018, Matik Nicholls. All rights reserved.