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Author: Matik Nicholls

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‘Tis The Season

‘Tis the season to lime (Trini-speak for hang-out or get together). I’m tired just looking at my calendar and it’s not even December yet. Liming is synonymous with Christmas in Trinidad.

There are work limes and church dinners and several get-togethers at friends’ houses and of course family luncheons. But that’s just the start because if you have kids then there are also school concerts and end-of-year award ceremonies and music/dance class recitals and so on and so forth.

It’s just too much…for me anyway. I am already struggling to get more than six hours sleep a night and keep my exercise regime going (not to mention the implications for my eating habits).

So, what’s the solution to this dilemma? Well…it’s the perfect opportunity to practice Stephen Covey’s 3rd habit; Putting First Things First. According to Dr. Covey, activities fall into four quadrants:

  1. Important but not urgent
  2. Urgent but not important
  3. Important and urgent
  4. Neither important nor urgent

So where do all of these social events fall? They certainly aren’t urgent. But how important are they and how important is what I would give up to attend them? There is always a trade off. Saying yes to one thing means saying no to another. What is important to me is based on my goals that I have set for myself and I find that at times like these it is good to remind myself of my goals for the year. What did I want to accomplish? Which relationships did I want to focus on?

There are some times, like this evening, when riding  bicycles around the block with my kids and tucking them into bed early is the most important thing. There will be other times when reconnecting with family and old friends can be prioritized. Whatever the case, saying no to something good will be an essential skill for this season. Because no to something good is really yes to something better.

Keep your head on this season. By all means enjoy the time of good cheer with family and friends. Just be wise and prioritize.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Fire Bun Retirement

The pervasive retirement paradigm in society today is the biggest con that has ever been pulled on the workforce! Okay maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but hear me out…

The concept of working and saving for roughly forty years of your life to then relax and enjoy your hobbies and travel the world is fundamentally flawed for two reasons:

Firstly, why wait?! Seriously, why should we sweat and stress in the forty prime years of our lives (in terms our physical health) to then pursue our dreams in our declining years? This makes no sense. I have many friends who are not waiting (according to their Facebook pics anyway) and they should be applauded. There is no reason to delay pursuing your passions. DO IT NOW!

Begin strategizing ways to configure your life to achieve YOUR GOALS not only your employer’s. There are lots of good rexcuses (excuses masquerading as reasons) why we cannot do what we are really passionate about of course. After all, you have children and a mortgage and who is going to pay you your current salary to be the next Anthony Bourdain? I can totally relate.

The problem is that we need to overhaul our thinking. You can have more of your time under your control than you think. Getting a hold of this book is a good start to re-wiring your brain: “The 4-Hour Work Week: Escape the 9-5, Live Anywhere and Join the New Rich” by Tim Ferriss.

Why not live your most passionate life now? Do you really want to start enjoying life at sixty? Will you even reach fifty? So go on…..get off your butt and make a plan. Book that trip to see the Northern Lights! Take that one-month spiritual retreat to Thailand! Plan a weekend dinner date in Paris or Trinidad Hyatt! Buy those expensive golf clubs and start going once a week! Buy the electric guitar and start taking lessons online! In 2016 I did a two-week surfing retreat in Costa Rica. One of the best two weeks of my life!

The second problem with retirement is the vast wealth of knowledge and experience that goes down the drain. Retirement age is the prime time for giving back. Years of hard knocks and application of knowledge and skill should have produced a person that is not only wise but also mature.

Now, I do not mean that people should continue working in the same mode as before, clinging to position and power. The current classic example of this is Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe. We have too many leaders that have stifled the growth of companies and countries and churches by making themselves indispensable. This tragedy is all around us in Trinidad and Tobago. Why do the same old names keep recycling in our political parties and high-profile energy committees until they literally cannot walk anymore? It seems politicians and religious leaders only change when the incumbent dies.

What I am proposing is a transition to a mentorship role. Behind the scenes, men and women with deep knowledge and insight; veterans who have been through the good, the bad and the ugly should be ensuring the next generation benefits from their knowledge. This passing of the baton is what builds a nation. We need young innovative people with fresh ideas and zeal and energy, unfettered by tradition and history, to be in the driver’s seat while the wise and mature elders guide and coach in the background.

In our families the same is needed. Granny and grandpa should not be off golfing and ballroom dancing 24/7 or worst yet in a home for the aged somewhere. Their guiding hands and support are needed today more than ever while at the same time the younger generation needs to chart a new course in this new world.

In summary, do not put off your most passionate life for after sixty. Instead, begin to strategize around how in your later years you will help the next generation to surpass your accomplishments!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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I Am A Number 7

The Enneagram is a model which consists of nine personality types. The model proposes that every person falls into one of the nine types. It is not a perfect system of course. It’s kind of like giving everyone a colour that matches their personality. There are as infinite a number of colours as there are personalities but we can form broad categories like reds and greens.

I recently did a questionnaire that revealed that I was a type seven; The Enthusiast. According to https://www.enneagraminstitute.com, sevens are extroverted, optimistic, versatile, and spontaneous. Playful, high-spirited, and practical, they can also misapply their many talents, becoming over-extended, scattered, and undisciplined. They constantly seek new and exciting experiences, but can become distracted and exhausted by staying on the go. They typically have problems with impatience and impulsiveness.

As I read more and reflected, I gained some valuable insights into myself and how I relate to others. There were some things that did not apply to me and others that ‘fell in my garden’ as we say. Now I know some people don’t place much stock in personality typing. Some take the ‘I can’t be placed in a box’ stance or the ‘only God defines me’ stance. To which I say:

  • Nothing about personality typing limits you or places you in a box. It does quite the opposite. It can give you greater insight into what drives you, what are your strengths and what are your weaknesses which frees you to choose a path of growth that’s best for you.
  • The types are not designed to define you but to describe you (generally). If God made you an introvert for example the test will just reflect your natural God-defined nature.

I have done numerous of these types of assessments. For example, I am an ENTJ (Extrovert-Intuition-Thinking-Judgement) under the Myers-Briggs model and an I (Influence) under the DISC profile. Each assessment has provided feedback that I have used to grow and develop as a person.

But for me the real bonus of understanding these models in some depth has been the appreciation for the different personalities of the people I live and work with. It has made me more understanding and compassionate.

When it comes to relationships, I wish I had understood more about this stuff earlier in life. For example, the five love languages (http://www.5lovelanguages.com) proposes that every person has their particular way in which they give and receive love. I have found this to be so true and so empowering. The five love languages are:

  1. Words of affirmation
  2. Acts of service
  3. Receiving gifts
  4. Quality time
  5. Physical touch

If you are married, in a relationship or thinking of being in a relationship (have I covered everyone) I highly recommend finding out your love language. Imagine if your highest scoring love language is physical touch and you marry someone for whom that is their lowest scoring love language?! The more you know, the better able you are to articulate your needs and show your partner love in their language. For example, gifts are dead last for me. You could buy me a new BMW and I would be like “Thanks.”

As Polonius said in Hamlet, “To thine own self be true.” Well, the more you know about yourself, the truer you can be. Greater self-awareness and greater ability to understand and celebrate the diversity of personalities in your world will undoubtedly lead to more joyful and fulfilling relationships. And you know what they say; the quality of your life is really the quality of your relationships.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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I’m Having A Bad Day

Yesterday was one of those days. I did not want to get out of bed. I was falling behind on initiatives towards personal goals I had set for myself. My boss was not too happy with me after I had shared some bad news on a project that he was not expecting. My youngest son was upset that I had taken away his phone and my daughter was crashing under a mountain of lessons and homework. And there were several other conflicts and dramas that is inherent with my complexed family situation. Waking up to face the day seemed daunting.

I finally dragged myself off the bed and pressed robotically into the routine. Iron. Wake up children. Bathe. Shave. Brush teeth. Dress. What does this have to do with authentic joy you may ask? Well it definitely has a lot to do with authenticity. This is the reality of some of my days. Sometimes it’s tough! Sometimes it seems like everybody and everything is pulling on me, depending on me, draining my energy. Have you ever felt like that?

As for joy, well I like to think of joy as something deeper than mere happiness. Happiness is a mood; an emotion. As a preacher once said, happiness is based on what’s happening. Sometimes we will be happy. Sometimes sad. Sometimes frustrated. Sometimes angry. But beneath all of that is our raison d’être; the most important reason for our existence. Joy is not in our moods and circumstances but in the fulfilment of a purposeful life.

Days like these when I can’t self-motivate is when my support systems kick in (hopefully). Yesterday my bff lovingly reminded me of my raison d’être. I reached out to another friend and he Whatsapped me some encouragement.  Even the Facebook newsfeeds and emails we receive on a daily basis can be sources of encouragement if we intentionally set it up that way. You can choose what messages pass through the filters to fill your soul. Sometimes we need a reminder of who we are and why we’re here. A reminder that this too shall pass. That something good is coming out of all of this. Something to talk us down from jumping off the bridge into the river of despair. Honestly there have been some days when even the support systems failed, and my children were probably the only thing that stopped me from quitting my job and disappearing into obscurity somewhere.

For some reason life does not give you a time out. I still had to go to work and muster up the strength to approach the boss constructively. I still had to deal with the children patiently and lovingly support them in their crises. I had to dig deep inside but when I did I found that there was strength there. Beyond the religious ‘too blessed to be stressed’ hype, deep inside my soul was a quiet resource. A calm assurance as old and resilient as the mountains.

I went there and I found joy.

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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I Love To Travel, I Hate To Travel

I was on my way to another work assignment. It was the third time I was travelling over the last five weeks. Fate had conspired to have two conferences fall close to a planned trip, creating the unavoidable situation. I did not want to go. I did not want to leave my children again. I was missing them even before I left. Thankfully though, they handle it much better now than when they were younger (Skype is a tremendous help as well), but still none of us were excited about it.

I looked out of the airplane as the sun rose over Trinidad, bathing everything in its warmth. The lilting voices of Gaelic Psalm singing coming through my headphones seemed perfectly matched with the fantasy cloud world on the other side of my window. I took a picture. I had scores of similar photos yet each photo was unique and each time the scene took my breath away.

I had begun the metamorphosis to travel-mode or Uncle Travelling Matt as some of my friends like to call me. I love to travel. I love the precious me-time that only seems possible whizzing through the air at 30,000 feet. No email, no Whatsapp, no phone calls, no children. Ahhhh. And then there’s something about the hum of that engine (as a co-worker recently quipped) that puts me right to sleep. I can fall asleep on the fifteen-minute flight from Trinidad to Tobago 😊.

I have seen a lot of the world while travelling on business and for that I am thankful. Experiencing different geographies and cultures I believe is one of the most mind-opening things you can do. I love connecting with people from all walks of life. The more I travel, the more I value the brotherhood of mankind. I see myself in every person and at the same time I see the diversity in every country and every culture. I realize that the struggles in my country are not unique to Trinidad and Tobago and at the same time I appreciate strengths of other societies that we can learn from and vice versa. I am such a believer in the positive benefits of travel that I think a trip outside of your country should be a compulsory part of secondary school education.

With all that being said, however, after one week I’m ready to go home. All my routines tend toward neglect when I travel. Prayer, exercise, diet…they are all assaulted by the unfamiliar surroundings and time zones. The forward trajectory of my life is built upon a stable routine of habits that keep me focused and healthy… But learning and growth necessitates injections of change, discomfort and the unfamiliar… It’s quite a balancing act.

A growing, thriving life is like a song. A steady rhythm holds it all together. Everything rides on the beat. Without the stable beat the whole song falls apart. But it is the crescendos and surprising melodic twists that makes the beauty of the music. It is this tension between predictability and spontaneity; between stability and drama; that makes music and life more art than science.

Fill the earth with the joyful sounds of the music of your life!

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Are You A Bad Guy?

“But daddy, this is my last chance to be a part of the team with all my friends!” She was crying now, and I was wavering on the inside, but I kept a straight face and said, “Honey, I know you want to be on the team with your friends but right now passing for your first choice is more important. You have to keep focused. Eye on the prize. Eye on the prize.” She was not the least bit consoled. “Honey, I love you and because I love you I make decisions that I think are in your best interest,” I said, giving her a kiss.

It was another ‘but daddy’ moment and like most of them I was not absolutely sure that I had made the right decision. My daughter wanted to be part of the Lego robotics team which required practice sessions twice a week right up to two months before SEA exams next year and she already has a packed schedule with extra-curricular activities and lessons. How she performs in SEA exams will determine which secondary school she will be placed in and that would determine the level of tuition and kind of environment that she would be exposed to for the next seven years of her life. The competition is fierce, and I had decided that there was too much at stake to risk it.

What made matters worse was that her mother didn’t agree with my decision so I was the bad guy… again. As her mother consoled her while scowling at me I knew I was outnumbered and outgunned. Lacking the emotional effusiveness to be able to stand up to the mother-daughter coalition I retreated to the next room.

Nobody likes to be the bad guy in the movie but if we are given the part we should play it without compunction. Everybody and especially every leader, be it a parent at home or a supervisor at work has to be prepared to be unpopular at some point in time. Any decision you make will be liked by some but unpopular with others. So, choose where you will take a stand and stand. Hold true to your inner compass at all costs.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reconsider if more information or another point of view comes into play but do not waver because of fear of falling out of favour with people. That is a fatal mistake.

The next day my little princess snuggled up next to me in bed, “I’m still mad with you eh! Now give me a hug daddy!”

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Wonder Quotient

On a scale of 1 to 10, what’s your WQ? How often do you experience awe? How often do you feel that indescribable feeling of being in the presence of something that transcends your understanding? I believe that people with a high WQ are more fulfilled than those with a low WQ.

What fills us with wonder can be unique to each of us. For my mom, observing her children brought wonder. I experience wonder during worship or communing with nature while sitting on my surfboard out in the ocean or sitting under a waterfall or simply watching the sun rise. Some days just thinking about who God has been to me swells my heart with awe. Whatever it is for you, nurture it.

Our soul longs to feel awed; to feel humbled by something bigger than ourselves. It could be the sheer grandeur of the universe or the unconditional love of a child. The thing is, every moment is a miracle if we open our eyes to see it. Some people only experience this awakening through a near death experience but it doesn’t have to be that way. You can right-size your life right now. Choose not to take your next breath for granted. Breathe deeply, laugh loudly, sing, skip, run, jump, smell, feel. Exult in the amazing life coursing through your body.

And guess what, according to research there is a surprising side-effect….. kindness. Strangely enough, there is something about viewing the Grand Canyon that brings out our inner altruist. Maybe it is the inkling that there is something bigger at play here that connects us all at a deeply fundamental level? Whatever it is, the positive effects are very real. You can read more about it here: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/why_do_we_feel_awe

So, I encourage you to see the amazing around you. The person that smiles with their eyes. The couple that are truly in love. The worshipper with eyes closed. The serene miracle of a sleeping child. The mountains full of Poui trees in bloom. The orange and yellow kaleidoscope of autumn. The vastness of the ocean. The sunset painted sky. Who invented such things? All we can do is open our hearts to wonder and celebrate and be grateful.

Open your eyes to the wonder. Make it a daily habit and let your heart fill with kindness and joy.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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No Regrets?

So, I’m trying my hand at writing a book. The story draws heavily from my life experiences, forcing me to think a lot about my past. This week my mind was on my separation from my first wife. Particularly, the day that I came to visit my son after having moved out a few days before. He was a year and a half old and it was the first time that I ever saw him looking sad.

His mom explained that he had gone from room to room repeating, “Where you daddy? Where you daddy?”. The image broke my heart in a million pieces. He is sixteen years old now and a lump still forms in my throat every time I think about it. How could I have done that to that little boy? In those dark days, my only tearful prayers were, “Lord, pleeeaase let him know how much I love him.”

I have often heard people say that they have no regrets. I’ve always wondered what they mean because I definitely have regrets. I regret what my son had to go through. If I had a do-over I probably would have made the same decision from that point but there are many earlier things that I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now (getting married at twenty-three for starters). But the thing is, I can’t change the past so what can I do?

I don’t know where I heard it, but someone once said that your approach to the past should be like driving a car. You need to look in your rear-view mirror (the past) regularly. It helps you to learn from mistakes, to get perspective, to notice trends in your behaviour but you can’t drive with your eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. The much bigger focus is the view of the present and the future through the windscreen in front of you.

If I had let my mistakes dominate my thoughts (kept my eyes glued to the rear-view mirror) I would certainly have sunk into depression (crashed). But the thing is, had I done that, I would have missed the thousands of happy memories I created with my son since then. Moments like this one:

The car of life doesn’t stop moving, and if you are not looking at where you are going then you will crash. If I kept my eyes on the past, I would have lost every opportunity to create a successful future.

To successfully navigate life, you have to respond to things as they come at you; change direction, change gears, mash brakes, accelerate. The past quickly becomes irrelevant except as a learning opportunity. The same is true of past successes by the way. Many times, we can be crashing even as our eyes are glued to the glory days that once were.

For me that image of my son searching for his daddy still weighs heavy but when self-condemnation tries to take root I wrest my eyes off the past and look up. I remind myself that where there is Life, there is hope and that while I’m looking back, opportunities to create a different past are slipping by every second.

I don’t know if there is anybody else with regrets like me but if there are people out there who have made mistakes I want to encourage you not to focus on that rear-view mirror too much. Look up, there just might be joy up ahead.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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What I Learned From Baywatch

 

If you weren’t around in the 90s this title may be completely lost on you. Suffice to say, Baywatch was a tv series about lifeguards in Los Angeles, USA. Amazingly, there is something from that show that made a bigger impact on me than Pamela Anderson in a bathing suit. It is this: Don’t drown with a drowning victim. Save yourself first!

The truth is that the lifeguard is the victim’s only hope for survival, so if the lifeguard puts herself in danger she is really sacrificing two lives. Another analogy is the oxygen mask on an airplane. The safety briefing says to put on your mask first before assisting others. Same principle.

We tend to think of sacrificing our own needs for those that we love or for career pursuits as a noble quality and by and large it is, but there comes a point at which we sacrifice too much.  You see, neglecting yourself means that you are reducing the quality of your work and the quality of care for those around you. This is even more pertinent when it comes to people that depend on us. So often we do less and less of what makes us healthy, whole and passionate for the sake of our children’s success but we do not consider that the biggest contributor to our children’s success is us! Are they seeing the model of a passionate, interesting, whole, balanced and alive person? Are we on a slippery slope to burnout?

Now I want to get real practical here and describe what this means for me in detail, so you get an idea of how this works in practice:

  • Every weekday I get up early before the children are awake and take time to spend with God. I pray (which could be silent meditation or more energetic or singing depending on how I feel) and/or I read my bible. This quiet time is my spiritual renewal. It’s sacred. This time is protected simply because no one else will get up at that hour and if they do (as has happened a handful of times), I simply say, “Daddy is praying. You can stay if you are quiet or go back to bed.” This habit was very hard to form. I had to get a friend to help me to wake up early and keep me accountable until my body clock was ‘locked in’. This start to my day is the most important ritual that I have. It directly influences the energy that I bring to my interactions and life challenges. If I neglect my mornings with God I can get snappy and easily discouraged.
  • Every Wednesday and Saturday morning I go for a run and the other weekdays I do a small morning workout. These are the habits that keep me physically fit and feeling good. I don’t have the time to go to the gym or to invest in looking buff, so this is just to keep me healthy. The morning workout is very simple, basically what I can do consistently:
    • 100 jumping jacks
    • 8 pull ups
    • 40 sit ups
    • 40 dips
    • 20 push ups

I know, it’s pitiful, but anything grander takes too long and is too daunting too be consistent. The runs are usually 5km on Wednesday and 8-10km on Saturdays. On Wednesdays I’ve arranged for my parents to drop the kids to school and Friday nights their mom or my parents keep the kids for the night so that I can get out at the crack of dawn the next day for my run. Things will try to encroach on this time. The kids might want to stay home or have a morning activity, but I do not budge. This is my time. Daddies need exercise too. The discipline of running also strengthens my will and mental endurance.

  • I don’t work late or on weekends unless it’s an emergency.
  • Every Sunday I go to church. The most valuable thing about this ritual for me is the worship. Singing at the top of my lungs in praise to my God with a group of other Jesus enthusiasts lifts my spirit and renews my soul like nothing else.
  • At least every other Sunday I play football with my friends. This is my favourite form of exercise. Whereas, I run because I have to do something to stay fit, I would rather play football every day if I could. I feel great after a run but I do not get excited about going for a run.
  • Every month or so I have some social time with friends. It could be a date. It could be hanging out with a group. Sometimes I take a whole day off just to go to the beach with a friend and do nothing but laugh and play and sleep.

My current battle is getting enough sleep. The goal is to be asleep by 10pm, to get 7 hours sleep. The problem is getting the children to sleep on time, ironing their school clothes for the next morning and then not getting side-tracked. It’s a challenge.

On a more ad-hoc basis I get in some hiking, surfing or mountain-biking which I’m trying to make a more regular thing as being immersed in nature is very restorative for me on many levels. I also would like to have an annual vacation/retreat by myself. I started this last year after I realized I was crashing and burning and it was fantastic. I also highly recommend a weekly habit of doing something you love. Yoga, dance, an academic pursuit, gardening, reading, art… whatever… keep your passions alive.

So, my friends, sorry for the length of this one but I hope it has been helpful. I encourage you to have a concrete plan to invest in yourself on all levels. It’s not being selfish. A better you is better for everyone!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Downpour

“CRAAAAACK!” It sounded like the heavens rent as the clouds vomited their payload in a violent deluge. Everyone sitting under the shed seemed to draw their limbs closer to themselves as the landscape suddenly became a waterscape.

I closed my eyes, to tune into the sound and the feel of the misty gusts on my skin. I love the sound of rain on galvanized roofing. It reminds me of stormy childhood nights cosy in my double-decker, up close to the roof. My home had no ceiling, so you could hear every drop overhead. Even now I began to snooze while I waited to see my daughter’s teacher.

I awoke from my reverie and surveyed the scene with fresh eyes. In the paved area next door, the gigantic drops formed mini-volcanoes with every splash into the pools forming everywhere. Soon the aqua-armies formed into squadrons racing urgently to drains and runoffs. Meanwhile, in the school-yard where hundreds of feet at play had worn the would-be lawn to a brown patch of bare earth sparsely littered with tufts of grass, the rain quickly saturated the compact earth and began to form brown pools of mud.

Next door there was also a well-manicured piece of lawn and on that piece of real-estate things were quite different. Every drop of rain disappeared into the greenery. The lush grass seemed to have an infinite capacity to soak up the rain like a living carpet of sponge.

Still in my zen-place, I began to think how the contrasting landscapes resemble our lives at different phases. There are times in our lives when there is a downpour. It could be an outpouring of job opportunities or maybe as we say in T&T “Yuh in season,” meaning a number of members of the opposite sex are all-of-a-sudden interested in you. It could be that we are experiencing a run of sequential successes as an athlete or performer. Whatever it is, it’s coming hard and fast and the state of our lives will determine how we handle the deluge.

If we are hard and inflexible. If we cannot see the opportunity in the out of the ordinary project thrown at us at work. If we don’t even see the person smiling at us because they are wrapped in a package that does not fit our criteria. If our hearts are closed to love. If the opportunities don’t come at us exactly the way we expect. Then they run-off of our lives like that paved courtyard. We cannot receive the gifts sent from heaven.

If we have been rundown by life, we are quickly overwhelmed. It’s too much for our barren life. Barren of a support system to pull on or maybe lacking a healthy lifestyle we quickly burn out. Maybe past relationship failures have made us emotionally destitute. Maybe we have abandoned habits of spiritual renewal. Unhealthy lifestyles quickly become a muddy pool where opportunities choke and stall.

But the life that is already thriving capitalizes on the rains of opportunity. The life that is already green with healthy relationships and physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health can soak up the downpour.

Every investment in a healthy life (on all levels) today reaps unknown benefits tomorrow. Prepare for the downpour now. Who knows when it will come but when it does, how glorious it will be if you can soak it all up and grow exponentially into the joyful life that awaits.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls.