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Tag: #transformation

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Leaders Are Not Born Or Taught, They Are Wrought

Incredibly, there are still ‘leaders’ out there who believe that leadership is about position, power and control. Even if they pretend to buy in to a more up-to-date leadership paradigm, their actions tell a different story.

What is even more disheartening for me is that this paradigm of the authoritarian, all-knowing leader is pervasive in the church. This boggles my mind given Jesus taught and exemplified the credo that the greatest is the servant of all.

The modern paradigm of leadership posits that leadership is not about power or personality and therefore anybody, at any level, anywhere can be a leader. I believe that leadership at its core is about three things:

  1. Character
  2. Purpose
  3. Service

Frequently, these qualities are uncovered through trials. The crucible of pain transforms the ordinary man or woman into a great leader if he or she yields to the process.

This is what Nelson Mandela and Malala have in common. Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in prison for his struggle against the apartheid system of South Africa. Yet, after his release Mandela emphasised reconciliation between the country’s racial groups.

Malala Yousafzai was shot in her head, neck and shoulder for speaking out against the atrocities of the Taliban in Pakistan. After recovery, she continued championing the cause for equal rights and education for girls.

In both of these stories, there is horrible injustice and persecution but amazingly the persecution does not make Mandela or Malala bitter or disillusioned. Instead they rise above and dedicate their lives to helping others who are suffering as they have suffered.

I used these examples because they are well known but this is not at all what makes them great leaders. There are countless others who we will never know about but their stars are no less luminous. In Trinidad and Tobago there is a great leader, Loverne Henry, who was gang raped while four months pregnant and two years later she created a foundation dedicated to providing mental, emotional and spiritual support for the recovery of victims of violent crimes. Truly Loverne Henry, the leader, was wrought in the burning fires of tragedy.

But what about you and me? Can we be leaders even though it is hardly likely that we will face the persecution and suffering of a Loverne or a Malala? The answer is a resounding yes! We all face trials and pain and suffering. The scale of it is not important. It could be a bully at school, an abusive or cruel parent, discrimination on the workplace, a troubled child, a difficult marriage, the loss of a loved one…. There is no shortage of fire for the furnace. What matters is our response to the fire.

To endure it and come out the other side stronger and without hate in your heart, takes character. The furnace can also force us to clarify who we really are at the very core, what is really important to us and why we are here. What is our uniqueness, our gift to the world, our passion, our purpose? And finally, on that twin foundation of character and clarity of purpose, we humbly offer ourselves in the service of others. The last step is crucial. Without service we may be great survivors but not great leaders.

I’ve had my share of hard knocks, nothing catastrophic or even uncommon, but I have paid close attention to the lessons in every trial no matter how small. I believe I am at a point where I am now beginning to have clarity about what my gift is and the humility to offer it up in service. It has taken half a lifetime in the furnace, but better late than never. This blog is certainly a part of that journey and I’m excited to see where it takes me!

My friends, don’t waste your pain in self-pity and complaining. Transform it. Use it. Become the leader you were born to be! Only you can do you! Arise and shine!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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The #1 Exit Strategy From Your Hectic Life

Wake up, get the kids ready, dress, eat, drop the kids to school, rush to work, check emails, juggle meetings, make phonecalls, squeeze in some deskwork, stop in the grocery, rush home, supervise homework, prepare dinner, eat, get the kids in bed, crash…. rinse, repeat. Sounds familiar?

This is what many of my days look like and I’m guessing that I’m not alone. Recently though, I have had some measure of breakthrough in changing how this feels for me. I’m still very productive but less hassled.

Ready for it? Here is the game changer…. We typically focus on doing more with less but instead we should be focusing on doing less, period. I know, I know, it sounds too simple. I mean, a 5 year old could have told me that, Matik! Well, the key is to be absolutely ruthless and radical about this. You see strategies that focus on tricks and tips may give success but it’s limited and usually not lasting. Lasting solutions (for anything) are usually aimed at the underlying thinking that shapes all we do.

In this case, radical change comes through a commitment to challenging every assumption about what you do and why by asking two questions  about EVERY SINGLE THING YOU DO:

  1. Do I really need to do this?
  2. Do I really need to do it this way?

When you ask yourself these questions, your mind is going to quickly say, “Of course I need to do this because XYZ or, this is the only way it will work!” It’s at this point you have to ask yourself, “Why?” Keep asking it repeatedly as your mind will keep justifying your busy schedule until you force yourself to challenge your deepest assumptions.

This week I had a tele-class at 8pm. My daughter came at 7:55pm and said, “Dad can you make me some Cream of Wheat?” Immediately, my stress levels rose. “I have 5 mins! If I wait until after the class, she would go to bed too late. I have to do this now!” I rushed downstairs and then I asked myself, “Do I really need to do this?”  “No, I don’t! She is almost 12 years old, she can do this!”

I called her into the kitchen, told her she was old enough to do it herself, explained what to do and went back to my class. Now the challenge here is dealing with the objections that your mind might raise if you have been accustomed to operating in a particular way. “Is this safe? Am I being a bad parent? Am I expecting too much of her?” If you want to exit the spin cycle you have to be ruthless and do ONLY what you absolutely NEED to do.

Here’s another example. I’m currently preparing to go on vacation and already I’m dreading returning to hundreds of emails and spending the first few days frustrated with dealing with the backlog. Then I asked the magic question and had the radical thought, “What about if I just never read those emails?”  The very next day I was listening to a podcast from Michael Hyatt on “How To Vacation Like A Pro” and he said that he deletes all emails received during vacation and leaves an auto-reply that lets people know that and why. It was like a message from above! Guess what I’m going to be doing from now on?!

The possibilities are endless. I have a friend who eliminated ironing by using a dry cleaner. If you want some more examples and insights to really challenge your paradigm, I highly recommend this resource and the book by Tim Ferriss: https://fourhourworkweek.com/

Start masterminding your exit strategy today for a less hectic life tomorrow!

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Emotional Resilience

“Daddy, I really liked my old school. I miss my friends. I wish I was still going there… They even painted over the motto!” my nine-year-old son whimpered as tears welled up in his eyes. Earlier that day, he had passed by the school he had known for all of his life up to now. They had closed down unexpectedly and the premises were now occupied by a new school. To add insult to injury, they had painted over the wall next to the play area which had been colourfully decorated with his former school’s motto.

It was too much for him. I imagine that that play area held many fond memories. He often fondly recounts his memories of playing football with his friend right next to that wall. He turned his face away so I wouldn’t see his silent tears. I reached across and held his hand, rubbing my thumb across the back of his palm, hoping in that small gesture to say, “It’s ok to cry. I’m here for you.”

I have always been clear about the role I want to play as a parent. I’m not here to shelter them from the storms of life but to coach and support them through the storms. I know that pain is necessary for growth. I am equally clear about the paradigm of manhood I want to instill in my boys. I want them to be comfortable expressing their emotions. I want them to know that real men cry.

So, I chose my words carefully. “It’s great that you have happy memories of those times with your friends. Thank God for them and think of the great memories and friends you are making now and those that you will make in the future in your new school. Things change. That’s how the world is. Everything changes. All we can do is be thankful for the happy times we had and move on to make new happy times.”

As I held his hand in silence for the rest of the drive I pondered my own moments of pain and unrelenting stress, how they made me stronger and how this situation would make him stronger; emotionally resilient.

Emotional resilience is not about becoming cold so that nothing affects you. It is about bending under the force of hurtful or stressful situations, maybe even suffering a fracture, but then bouncing back stronger than before. Emotionally resilient people don’t lose their emotional elasticity.

I believe in every painful situation there is a reason for joy. Not happiness which is based on your current circumstances but deep joy that some greater purpose is at work in the midst of those circumstances. It’s analogous to a ship in a storm. Without an anchor the fate of the ship is determined by the wind and the waves but a securely anchored ship has a hold at a deep place beneath the waves where there is calm and assurance.

The strength of your anchor determines your emotional resilience. My anchor has always been an indomitable belief that EVERYTHING happens for a good purpose in my life. Each storm has tested the strength of my anchor and with its passing I have gained greater confidence to face the next.

Be strong. Allow your storms to wash over you, confidently holding the knowledge that the storm will end but what you learn will serve you for a lifetime.

For some practical resources, here are 10 practices that will help you to develop your emotional resilience:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/design-your-path/201305/10-traits-emotionally-resilient-people

I would love to hear your tales of weathering the storm and if you like this article please share with others.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls

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Welcome To My Blog

I’ve just left a business luncheon and I have a few minutes to spare so I’m sitting in the car park trying to write my first blog for the umpteenth time and…. nothing. Writer’s block on my first blog!

Then I look out the window and I see a beautiful humming bird flitting from flower to flower and I’m reminded how wondrous it is to just be. The humming bird is not thinking about the impression it’s making on the world. It’s just being a humming bird. No performance pressure whatsoever because it’s not a performance.

The grace and beauty it exudes as it hovers over one flower after another is something that can only come from doing what comes naturally, what it was created by God to do. It’s not trying to be graceful and beautiful, it can’t help it! It was created that way! It’s authentic…

I pick up my pen and start to write.

What comes naturally for the humming bird somehow seems more elusive for us. However, making living in the present a regular practice is well worth the effort.  Inhabiting the present can be very liberating. It’s where we stop doing and start being. It frees us from the fear of past failures or from the pressure of surpassing the bar set by past successes. It frees us from the worry of what the future may hold. It frees us to be who we were born to be.

Sitting in that car park, before my muse appeared, the truth was that I wasn’t in the present. I was in an imagined future. A future where my first blog was a flop. A future where I could not keep blogging consistently. Thankfully, the humming bird taught me that everything is beautiful in its time; when it’s in the present, being what it is purposed to be at that moment. I was absent from my moment, powerless to impact my world, stuck in another dimension.

What about you, where have you been living? Past? Present? Future? Is there any area in your life where you have been absent? I would love to hear from you.

Joyfully,

Copyright 2017, Matik Nicholls.